Save me.

Dear strangers, whoever reads this crap.

I know I sounded like I’m in a bad mood but hey, I’m not gonna lie to you, I am in a bad mood. I think I am depressed again. As when I thought I’m heading to the right direction, life drags me right back down and punched me on my face. My work has been getting tough lately. I’m not going into details, basically it just me not doing my job well and it is likely I’m gonna be suffering for the next couple months. And it comes the work pressure and the future is bleak. Knowing that I am bad at my work while I can’t change much and do much about it at the meantime really kills me. It’s the fight and flight mode again. I felt like trapped and all I want is to run from it. Same goes to my bf. He has some problem with his work and he has been contemplating about quitting his job.

Everything feels like falling apart. Maybe I am falling apart piece by piece psychologically. Maybe I am. How I wish I do have another personality like Elliot Alderson has Mr Robot with him when time gets tough. All I did is fidgeting, stares into the space and feeling anxious about the whole thing, feeling the the world is gonna collapse. All I hope for is some miracles. Maybe let me win a lottery. And I will be just fine.

 

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The one.

Hi there.

I’m still alive, if you’re concerned, after months of hiatus. No worries, I am very much in love with B and we are still sticking around as bf-gf lovey-dovey. He adores me so much, even after more than 6 months, we are still like hot-heated kids. We fuck we kiss, we brawl we hug. I think he could be the one.

 

A new start with B.

As for the starter, hmm. I first met B on last Sunday (20 Dec) over the pizza place and we walked around. He was really shy and I can tell, he was very nervous. And he wouldn’t want his picture taken in any way. After the walked around TST and as we decide to go home, we were at the MTR platform, I tried to hug him. But he got a little panicked and pushed me away a little, and he swiftly tried to hold my hand instead. Later, as my train almost arrived, I stole a hug from him and hopped on the train. He immediately texted me as I left.  He was actually having a boner as I tried to hug him, therefore, he pushed me away because he was concerned that I will realize that. LOL.

So the next day (21 Dec)  we went out again for Korean food at CWB and he was a bit shy too, but better. And he is very nerdy cute, and could be dashing if he cuts his hair short and more confident with himself. And we walked around at the Tamar park overlooking the HK view. We held hands and he held me close because I was in cold. And we shared our first kiss there (andmy first kiss). I took him home with me, and we had sex. We took each other’s virginity (sorta, he is 50% virgin) and we both enjoyed it, although he couldn’t cum because we were too tired at the end. He hasn’t sleep much lately and we had a 4 hours sex (I think we enjoyed foreplay too much) and he did go down on me and his tongue is good. I gave him a bit blow job too at the shower and it was my first. And we slept naked in cuddle til afternoon. It was awesome and we both enjoyed it.

And we had it again on 23 Dec in the morning because he had to go to lab in the afternoon and my roommate will be back soon enough. So he came to my house in the morning with McD breakfast and we had sex again…..for almost 5 hours….. I think we are just enraging teenagers that can’t get enough of one another~ He did cum this time, but when we was mutually masturbating…. It was really hot for me. He worshipped me and I love it.

On Christmas eve, we spent the night together stroling on the street, watched movie, and had ice-cream at the middle of night. It was awesome. Because I finally found someone to spend my Christmas with. And yes I am very happy. We haven’t DTR yet, but this might be a good begining.

No tears.

Hi, there. I’m alive.

I just went to see my therapist and it was good. No tears, no cry, just clarity and peace. I can’t be sure that I am totally okay with my family problem, but so far, it has been good. She said that I have grown up a bit. I like that. I like my change. It’s time for me to get better. And I’m going to meet D later today and B this Sunday. Things can’t get any better. I’m at peace now.

New guy, B?

Hello, strangers. Do you miss me?

I’ve been incognito for quite some time. Deadlines and shits. Don’t worry, I wasn’t in any deep shit.  I know, my last post was about my rejection. But I’ve doing pretty good recently. My mood is all time good, most of the time I’m feeling positive and hopeful *exactly what I need during this stressful period.

But something interesting happened to me. So I’ve been exchanging messages with this guy called B, we found me on OkCupid about 2 weeks plus ago (since November 15) and we kicked off pretty fast. We figured out we are both recently experienced love failure (he was dumped by her 4 years long term relationship last May) and we have similar thoughts about life and things…. YES we are both lonely. And he was very open about his sexual experience. And we kinda tumbled down into the black hole…. of sexting.

I swear I’m not that kind of person will do such thing (ever) but it was a moment of weakness. He was surprised too, that I’m into this thing. I am surprised by myself too. *I kinda can tell he is more of the nerd than a player- but I can’t be sure until I see him in real person(yes I haven’t met this guy yet….). It was two sided. Over the weekend, I was rushing my essay (2.5k in 2.5days) so stressed out it was kinda aphrodisiac for me to talk about sex stuff. I need the relief. I need the attention. I kinda reciprocated and it felt good.  I have no idea sexting someone can be so much fun and pleasure. He told me he never feel so hard in his life before, not even with his girlfriend. Later the next couple days we did sexting now and then, and one time he really did cum, to my photos (no nudes whatsoever, I cover em all and no faces, or they are just cute normal selfies). It was exhilarating to me. I mean, I feel the proud and the pride. I’m sexual enough. Kinda boosted my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Now, we’re still chatting here and there, but as we both kinda still fighting deadlines, I hope that I can meet him really soon, in person. Sex on first date? NO. I don’t think that is a good idea. But, I don’t think I (we) can contain myself if he is what I imagine/in pictures.*He totally has this bad boy look.

Aftermath of confession.

I couldn’t wait any longer than 10 days. So I made up my mind and I messaged him at 11-ish pm, 6 November 2015 yesterday.

“Have your verdict? Whatever happens, let’s be adults and talk about it face to face.”

“Sorry, it has been busy for me. About it, I don’t think it will work for us.”

“I knew it all these time. It was just stupid of me, I just want to hear you say no.”

But I wasn’t satisfied with his answer. I want to hear it from his own voice, and I called him. Apparently he was still at work.

He told me that he used to have feelings for me, until a month ago. He has feelings for some gal from his office now. I thank him for the honesty. Because that is what I really need from him. I just want to come clean and let go of things that are no longer relevant in my life and be honest with myself. I wanted him to break all of my illusions and impossible dreams that I made up. I needed a kick, a wake-up call and I got it.

Soon after, I ended up calling D because I wasn’t so sure what was I feeling, things just numb. Because I have no one to turns to at this wee hour for advice or comfort or put my mind in order. I cried a little here and there throughout the 2.5hours call. I told him what happened and we talked like old friends (I’m not obsessed with D anymore so-to-speak), talked about what am I going to get over it, that I should totally be on Tinder (yes I just downloaded it but I haven’t figured out how to use it yet) and I should be going out seeing new people and do something about it instead of sitting there, wallow about my pathetic life. I feel like doing something ceremonial to put things into an end, like getting an earlobe pierce or a tattoo (but I haven’t felt heartache yet, so not too sure what is the whole point of doing it, and D forbids me from tattoo), unfollow or unsubscribe or  unfavorite him on Facebook, or unfollow him on Spotify so I can’t listen to what he is listening (I did, immediately, it was a huge relief) . And I sorta promise D that I can have a week of ‘sad me’. And by the end of next week, I shall be okay with it.

I’m glad that we are like platonic soulmates, not lovers. He understands me well like no one. Being honest with him was a relief. Because we know nothing gonna break us anymore. Ps, he told me I should have more dignity. I guess my dignity has been always all time low. XD

Bad day. 

I don’t do well with myself. I don’t know what to do with myself if I am by myself. At least if I’m with someone I would know I need to do this, I need to do that, at least I would act as if I’m living my life like a normal person like I supposed to. This is some of the days I am feeling absolutely lost about myself.

Growing old together?

Recently, I have been down and anxious and it makes my hands shaky without good reasons. Sometimes I’m just afraid, for no good reasons. So to cope with it, I started doodling, sometimes mandala style sometimes just randomly. Just to takes my mind off, keeps my hands steady.

On Monday, I called my therapist because I can’t get myself together and I really need to talk to someone and Sunday’s conversation with D didn’t do the job. D was sobbing about his guilt of losing all of his friends back here in HK. I can empathize with him and I just want to convince that he is doing just fine. But I can’t talk to him about my matters, my relationship with this guy. I just can’t bring myself to do that. At the end, I called my therapist for a full 40 minutes. I cried and cried. My feelings washed me up real hard. I went back to the old me again. That person who wants to talk to someone that she loves when she is vulnerable or having some sorts of trouble. The Savior complex. The overflow of insecurities that stems from god knows where. I have to constantly remind myself. Sometimes I should keep some things to myself. My therapist has been telling me that I can’t control or foresee what others’ might have been thinking. Of course, from the conversation I had with her, I have been consuming myself with trying to think what are his possible thoughts, try to run through every possible outcome, overanalyses everything. It’s not good for me, of course. I have to stop myself all together.

On Monday night I have this overnight duty at the call center that rendered me unable to sleep for the whole night- I was on 3 to 8am shift, but I was able to salvage my day with a 9-11am nap. Overall, I have been slightly elated but chill for the whole day. I have to admit I have been experiencing some flashes of him on and off. Like I could actually visualizing him with me, doing something together, kissing my lips, holding me close. Or flashes of scene growing old together. These images come to me easily at the back of my mind and I can’t seem to stop them. And I’m not fighting back. They calm me down in a weird sense. And I’m not too sure what to do with it or what to do with myself. Am I dreaming too hard?

Okay with not being okay.

I feel like I’m hanging on a wire, dangling. I don’t have a choice, do I? The weekend has been rough on me. It has been a long weekend holiday (mid-autumn) and originally we planned to go to hiking on Sunday, but apparently he has to work on Sunday too, so it got cancelled at wee hours. I was slightly pissed, and sad. The thought of spending such family holiday alone is just devastating, pathetic. So I asked instead of hiking, how about just have a dinner at the night of Mid-autumn meal together at night, apparently he has to meet some old friends. But at the end, I spent my night with my brother, cousin and friends. So it wasn’t so bad. At the end, (out of guilt, I think) he asked about whether I can do a Monday night dinner. I was ecstatic at that time, because I really want to see him. I agreed immediately, then later found out I have volunteer duty at that night.  Alright,  and I proceed struggled to find a replacement with someone else and I did. Yesterday night I was all too happy, finally I can see him tomorrow.

But this morning (Monday), I have some uneasy feelings. He later at noon, messaged me about his boss asking him to work (it’s technically holiday today). I was left on my own device again. Again and again. Throwing myself back and forth, toying my feelings. Promises and no promises. It makes me so small so small. Of course, I acted as if nothing in front of him, it’s alright, everything is alright, I’m alright I’m okay with everything that happened. I’m feeling emotionally-draining and I have to learn to be okay with not being okay. I have to constantly tell myself it’s okay it’s okay but I feel like a kid that deprived of something that is essential to life. I don’t know what am I doing and how long I can last. It robs away my sanity.