My type? and Dominant&Submissive?

Did I ever mentioned that D was never my type?

I always have a type. Older than me. Probably tall, lean, tanned-skin with six-packs. Of course, with a sunny beach boy smile. Like Taylor Lautner~ YEAH~ THAT’s RIGHT!!~ ❤

D is one year younger than me. He has pale white baby-skin,, nor-fat-nor-meaty body, his body language is totally gay if I don’t know him at all. Not really my type.

But probably the reason why I’m so attracted to him is because of his accent. He is a local Hong Kong people but somehow he has this amazing American/sometimes British accent while he never been outside of this country before! And probably with baby fat on his cheeks when he smiles. Oh yeah he has this really cheeky smile that I couldn’t resist. So adorable. Oh well, this is making me sounds like a pedophile.

*************

O’kay talk about serious stuffs now.

Sometimes I think that fall in love with my best friend is a huge mistake. Nothing much like Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. He is younger than me. I was never into people who is younger than me because I  think they are mentally immature and unable to match and comprehend my thinking. But he proved me wrong. He is one of few boy that thinks like a man. I’m fascinated by his thinking and ideas. But he is still a boy, in the process of growing up. He’s life is still messy as shit. Overwhelming extra-cocuriculums, unscheduled timetable, skipping classes, training, last minute assignments and exams. This is HK-style I know, last minute thing is their thing. I get it.  But sometimes it frustrated me seeing him like this. Such a messy life. I know I have no right to piss at him or do anything because I am no one and that is his life.

But did I mention that he loves to control me even we are just friends?

He dictates what to eat, comments on what I wear ( he once commented I wear like a whore, although  it was just a plain slightly low-v cut shirt) and even pick on my beauty products that I ended up go beauty product shopping with him (he has this crazy interest on which chemical will cause cancer) and changed all my beauty products. He always has this habit of checking my phone, messages, whatsapps, facebook message, everything. He can just look through my private messages in front of me without asking my permission and he ask me who is this guy and who is that guy. I couldn’t stop him doing so too.

‘Why are you letting him to do these?!??’  My friend screamed at me through Skype. She couldn’t take this and disbelieve I let him keep doing this and didn’t trying to stop him.

Yeah. I’m a bit crazy. I just let him intrude my life. I act like a tiny little puppy, and just let him do what he likes to me. Oh well, to be honest, I could be his submissive if he allows me. Slowly, he tries to dominate my life even we are just friends. Selfish right? But I still let him do so. I love him dominating my life and tell me what to do. I will obey his instructions and do what he told me too. There is so much of urge to be his submissive.

**********

Yesterday I asked him not to go for an event because he is late for everything and exam is tomorrow and he could really use the time to study well. He hesitated but agreed with me. But he still went to the event behind my back anyway, as I saw the photos on FB. I felt so frustrated. I felt the need to control him. Then I realized. I’m somehow dominating him too.

Insecurities.

Frustrated. Those insecure that I’ve feeling, every time I think of future. My job prospects, studies and him. It’s so uncertain.

Before university, I always very certain on what I want and know what to do with it. I have this clear picture of what my future will be. Then as I try to go along, follow the path of my mental picture, it is not as easy as I thought. I’m never be as good as I thought I will be. I used to live in my comfort zone that I’m always content with because I was good at what I should be doing.

But as I grow up a bit, things do not get better. Out of my comfort zone, I’m not getting any better than people surrounding me. Sometimes I felt so sad because I can never be good enough. I wanted to improve myself but the thing is I always have this dilemma. Do I want to do something that I don’t like but somehow good for my future? Or do things that I love that will probably useless in future?

This dilemma has kept me bound to the ground. I ended up doing nothing and still idling after almost 2 semesters. I always have real hard time to make up my mind. Probably this is just part of my traits. I couldn’t run into something foreign without thinking through. Sometimes probably too introspective.

 

 

 

Double Embarrassment Confession

Recently, someone started a facebook page that allows people to go public confession but remains anonymous at the same time. Everyone is crazy about this. Of course, including me. Those juicy gossips, trash talks, people’s confession to their crushes, love problems, etc. etc. It’s so exciting to see some funny confession. Oh well, that might just include me. I wrote a first one when I was being extremely emo and sad about us and I needed a place to spill the beans:

********************

——-#390——
I fall in love with a really close guy friend. I never could tell him how I feel because he is confused with his sexuality. I’m scare of losing him as he is my everything now. We are at the grey area where things got unresolved. My heart aches and my eyes tears when I think about us. I love him so much. 

*********************

He saw it and he liked it. 

….. I was shocked. and embarrassed. I was really scare he will find out it was me.

Then, yesterday I had nothing to do and I decided to write another funny one but truth at the same time.

*********************

——-#497——-
Pale white sometimes pinkish skin, smelling baby-scent of his, kissing his tenderly full-lips and we make love. **The above is just details of my gone-wild imaginations when I was sitting right in front of him (someone who I have a huge crush on) yesterday, casually chatting. I’m a girl and I’m ashamed of myself.

********************

This time when that post is posted on our newsfeed, he was sitting right in front of me with his laptop on and on facebook. He read out loud to me and pointed out that was totally me. The first thing I thought is ‘IM FUCKED. DID I WROTE TOO MUCH DETAILS THAT HE CAN TELL THAT’s TOTALLY ME AND THAT’S MY WRITING??’ I just put up a laugh and said ” geeezzz why would I do that??!!”

……HAHA THAT’S EMBARRASSING~ >< 

*When I wrote till here, I just recalled, I talked about why baby smells like baby all the time in front of him yesterday. OH DOUBLE FUCKED. WHY AM I BEING SO CARELESS @@ THAT’S WHY HE POINTED OUT THAT JUST TOTALLY ME…..

The thing is, he really smells freaking good, like even he at the end of a day after a long day outside. PROBABLY SOMETHING IS WRONG ABOUT MY NOSE. That’s right and that made so much sense. 

Sexuality?

Hey dear. Or strangers. I hope someone in somewhere in this world will read about this. Tomorrow (or today) is pink shirt day. It’s for anti-homophobic movement. This makes me want to talk about something. Sexuality.

Truth.

I’ve never been in any relationship before and I’m an absolute virgin on everything whatsoever.

I can talk about sex and more sex all day with anyone (if appropriate or allowed) but in deep down I’m absolutely shy about all these. Talking just make me feeling less scary about this matter?

Simply, Theory : 1 Practical :0

******

I was in a girl school where everyone talks about sex in crowd, indeed it is one of the best topic of all time. I never really into anyone but a girl who sat next to me for 2 years. She is decent, quiet and always  with a shoulder length ponytail. She is slightly taller than me and leaner than me. She is so much more athletic than me but I am smarter than her. We were just the opposite of each other. She always has this baby smell, probably because of her beauty products. She has prettier skin than mine although sometimes blemish but her cheek always go pinkish when she exercise. We’ve been supporting each other as we could. We talk about all shits. I’ve always look out for teacher when she wanted to nap in class. I used to watch her sleep in class. We got really close and comfortable. Sometimes when we chat while lying on the table, our head got so close that we could almost kissed.

Undeniable, I got attracted to her. Or we got attracted to one another I will never know. I know we got a thing but this might just be a period where it was highlight of my life but at the same time, it is filled with doubts. At that time, I thought of telling her how I feel. But I decided not because by then we were busy preparing for public examination. After that, we grow apart as we graduated. Those days were the days I doubt my sexuality. Even maybe now, today. When I think about her, I miss her. I still wanted to touch her. But these feelings never happened to me when I was with other girls. Probably just some one time thing. Yet, sometimes I’m still doubt with myself. Am I lesbian or what?

*******

I went to college for a level for 1.5 years. Throughout this period, I never really like anyone. Maybe some crushes but they are just some gossipy topic to pass time. But I do have the preference(fetish?)  for muscular guys. Perhaps something like Taylor Lautner will be nice. There was a guy. Jimmy(or GYMMY coz he always go to gym) he is a sexy, hot cheerleader slash blackbelt martial art guy slash future lawyer. Nothing could be sexier than him. I was momentarily obsess with him. He has this pure honey sweet voice that no one could compare. A nice guy with a sunshine smile. God he is so perfect. But one thing.  I’ve this thought that he would be gay. Yeah. Maybe it just some voodoo instinct but he is indeed gay at the end. I was half devastated, half disbelieved and half iknowmyself. I know I’m not sure since when, I have the tendency/a thing for gay men. They are such a pretty creatures. They are perfect. But seems like my fetish will only bring me bad karma. But I couldn’t help myself.

********

Current situation- University level.

There is a guy. We stayed at the same dorm. Our life will never collide on each other if  my guy friend didn’t introduce him to me. We got closer as days goes by. It’s been nearly 5 months we knew each other.  I guessed he is gay at the beginning. I got really interested to know him because I’ll love to know a gay bff. But as we chat, dig in each other, he said he was bisexual. I said I was bisexual too because of the incident back in high school. We got even closer. We can talk about everything and anything.

One day I found his blog. He is into me. Yeah. I’m actually into him too. He started to become part of my life. When he’s happy, I can’t help myself to smile, when he’s sad, I’m moody too. I was so happy to have him around. (before he is into me I preemtively friendzoned him because I wasn’t thinking)

But things got a bit twisted as we both realize the reality. He has all his doubts. I guess he was confused all these time. He actually never believe in bisexuality. He is just trying to keep this open, unresolved. He questioned his own sexuality. He is also an absolute virgin in whatsoever. He did thought of experimenting.

I have my doubts. I probably love him with all my heart. But I couldn’t speak of the three words. I guess we both couldn’t. Until he got his answers. He could not return my love. I couldn’t ask him for more. We are now in this gray area where things got unresolved and things got twisted.

But I’m not sure how long I  can keep up with this. Sometimes it is just me being sad and I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t. I have to fake a smile, although I know he might be tortured inside too. I don’t know how to move on and I don’t want to go back either. But just standing here I’m not sure how long we can do this. I wanted to hold him so much. Tell him it’s fine. Everything will be just fine. But who will come to tell me ‘us’ is going to be just fine?

I’m just trapped in the middle and I have no where to go.

Someone, tell me how.

Homesick?

He went home, out of suddenly. That really surprises me…. or maybe not because I’ve asked him why he hasn’t been going home lately. He is guilty and gullible. I guess I made him guilty of not going home, made him felt sad about ‘abandoning’ his family, especially his little sister. Yesterday he said he was never going back home as he was too busy with all the homework and quizzes. In deep down I know that’s all bullshit. He can always go back home as it was just less than 2 hours bus trip. He can always go home at the weekends like all other local students do.

Today conveniently, he was at the main island, time to take to go home is even shorter. I guess he really miss his family. He once said that he never felt like going home during the weekends therefore there is no  need of going back home. Sometimes I think that I might be the one who ‘stopping’ him from going home, or he is just too busy with all the social activities that he has with others.  I have no right to stop him from going home. That will be too selfish.

1560.56 miles South West, away from my own country, a home where I call it mine. A home that I rarely miss. You can call  me a heartless bitch but in fact, I didn’t felt homesick as much as my fellow friends from the same country. Oddly, I don’t have the emotional attachment to my beloved country or my family. Somehow, at here 114.1833 22.2500, in this foreign land, I felt as if I’m at home.

Few weeks back, he once asked me whether I am going home after I finished my seminar at Hong Kong regarding my service trip to Ghana over the summer. I did thought of going back to Malaysia, as I haven’t been back for some time and going back seems like a choice but it will be a really short trip of 2 weeks before the fall semester starts. I was buzzed and split between choices. He said that he might come back to university and find me during the summer (as he will stay at home during that period of time). I was so happy when he said those words. So I decided to stay in Hong Kong. I’m not going home during that period.

I’m so easy to be convinced by him. I know, how bad it is. I am so emotionally attached to him. I , being away from him it’s a challenge. I need the nearness of him. Unable to see him for a day, it’s a kind of torture. It’s 3 am again. I miss him. I could’t help myself to tears up. Oh god, I’m the one should be fixed.   I have no idea what am I going to do, when I have to be away from him for two months.

I want him all to be mine. But things won’t work out that way, as long as he hasn’t figure out his own sexuality and shits. He might never be mine. My emotional attachment to him might just be that one thing that keeps my sanity going at here. Keeping me alive here in this foreign land. Knowing that I might need to detach from him someday, I’m not sure what will left in me. I might just be an empty vessel, like a zombie. I’m so alone here. Oh god, I’m such a pathetic  person.

Help me, anyone. Gosh. Just kill me.

Confession 2

Another day. We stalked one of our friend’s blog. He wanted to like her post and comment at her post to show some support to her. As she seems to be lost and sad recently and we have no idea how to talk to her. He eager to support her quietly, but afraid will end up exposing his own secrets, his blog. He sat right across the table, in front of me. I was tired, I turned my head away, overlooking the silt of 6am morning light forest behind our residence. So peaceful. So quiet. He was actually secretly looking and analyzing at his own secret blog, which to me it is no longer a secret as I somehow manage to find that out(but he has no idea about that, I assumed). He thought of deleting some posts so that my friend will not figure him out by reading ’em. But he ended up not doing so because she will still figure it out with other clues on his blog.I figured, and asked him create a fake name just to make a comment on that post without exposing his own blog.

I saw his expressions as he went through his secret blog. Sad. Despair. Confused. I am speechless. I said nothing. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him that he is not my friendzone, never ever. I fall in love with his accent the first time I know him. But I never think further of anything will happen given that I always think that he is gay. I never put high hope in this. But as I know more about him in person, he said he is might just be bisexual. But actually he is just confused and doubt with his own sexuality as he never been in any relationship before like me. As we talked more over countless sleepless night till dawn, somehow I couldn’t help myself to really care about him. I like his accent that sounds angelic to me. His semi husky/cracky but soft voice when he sing somehow it’s music for my soul. As we sat closely, I can’t help myself to smell his scent that almost resembles baby to me that I couldn’t resist.  His thick lips, sometimes cracks but I still have the urge to kiss him. As he applies the lip balm on his lips, I wondered how it taste like on his lips.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him all this. This is not the time.

 

Growing Up?

He’s upset. I get it. The distance that grows between his younger sister of 10 years old and him. It is not that he can change. It is just simply something that changes as we grow up, older. He said he don’t want to change. Wanted their family to stick together. Dream of living together in a huge house. His face, sad face. He never intend to hide his despair about realization of the truth in front of me, or he just don’t care. He’s been stressful about some upcoming assignments and quizzes. He never thought that he is going to have this miserable and sad university life.

I want to say something. To perhaps cheer him up. But it seems like my words has no effect whatsoever on helping him to get through this. I’m the younger sister with two big brothers. I’m not sure since when, probably since my brothers moved out for college and come back home only over the weekends, my family is not always spending time with all the members together. Later with my second brother gone HK to study, my elder went NZ for work holiday, my mom wasn’t at home all the time due to social activities and works. All left is my dad at home with me. Not sure since when, words becomes less, conversations got lags; time spent together got even less. As then, I grew dependence on my fellow bffs when I was studying A level, staying outside, away from home, facing 2 of them 5 days a week, more than 12 hours per day. I’m not sure since when, I start to feel less. Lesser than I thought I will. I used to be so sensitive. So fragile. But the whole thing changed as I was too tired of being so emotional all the time, constantly feeling those emotions, paralyzing myself; slowing taking away my life, pieces of my sanity. So, I choose to switch that off. Like a vampire. I just somehow, slowly switch off my emotions .

I told him my situation and I consoled him not to feel bad. But my situation is not what he want and he wanted to change this. I was not being helpful at all. The more I said, maybe he will feel more sad. I was so helpless. He wanted to cry. But I think he just suck it back so that he won’t break down in front of me. To be honest, I don’t really scare of him crying. I just want him to feel better, if that’s what it takes.

Confession

I really don’t know what to do. Maybe there is nothing I can do. Yeah. There is nothing. I can only observe, watch you from distance. I want you so badly but there is just nothing I can do. Those feelings that I want to tell you, I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you. Every time I have hold myself back. It’s hard to do nothing.

I don’t know how many times I wanted to run to your room in the middle of night just to confess how I feel. If there is just a bit of slack I will have done that. Luckily I’m still pretty much in control. There is nothing I can do. How many times I’ve been saying this? 

You are in everything I do

Yesterday was a special day. He managed to be the MC for a speakers event. He looked smart, I love how he looks today. He is natural, he can speak so naturally in public that I wish I could be like him.

The speaker, Jing Wong, a talented musician/fashion designer. Things that he said, sometimes I think he is as if dedicate those words to me. His inspirational words somehow match my current situation. Oh well, as if he is a god!!

The speaker had sang few songs. But somehow, my heart felt so connected with that song. I felt a bit sourish.The lyrics somehow so relevant to how I feel. The song speaks my heart. I couldn’t help myself tried to turn my head to have a peek at him.

Looking from distance, I hope he can see me. Listen to that song. In deep down, I hope he feel how I felt.