18 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Shy And Introverted

18 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Shy And Introverted

This is so me

Thought Catalog

This… this is my soul song, people. This is my Vietnam.

1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectively social.

2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.

3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.

4. When you do choose to grace a party with your presence, you are the life of it. You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.

5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.

6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make it seem like…

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Topic of the day: Change(s).

Topic of the day: Change(s).

Where should I start this. Well. The thing is nobody likes to change. Everyone loves the stability of life. Everyone loves the moment when it’s perfect and they just wanted to stay it that way. But life is not that way. There always been ups and downs. Happy and sorrow moments. You cannot understand and appreciate happy moments until you experience sad and sorrow moments or episodes. This also means that nothing is static. Nothing is forever. People changes, things changes. People ages and grows as time goes by. And changes can be for the better and for the worst. It can be voluntary or involuntary. 

Change is best if voluntary. 

That was D’s status for the past few months. We changed too. I mean, I changed and he changed too. Everyone notices that. Maybe wiser or older, more acne for me -__- Puberty is not helping me. For him is that he changed wiser, less boyish, less innocent but think more like a man now. HAHAHAHA. LOL.

Okay back to the serious topic. I don’t like changes. In fact I hate it so much (well now not so much as I used to be) that changes overwhelmed me and consumes me that it breaks me every time it happens. Learning to embrace changes is no easy task. It requires a lot of forgiveness in me and towards other and tolerance. Although I am better off now but still life is never going to be easy. It only gets harder and the only way to face it is adapt to changes. Sounds very dumb and rhetorical but that is the truth. Things will not get easier. The only way its going easier is to embrace the idea of change.

D is going away. A friend of mine from my A level called me yesterday that she was told by a Chinese fortune teller/exorcist that she has like 4 demons/ ghosts in her that one of them is from Indonesia 2 years ago, where we went on the same graduate trip and we took some pictures of orbs and ‘people’ that we shouldn’t. Leaving me with more doubts and confusions with myself. *when I told D he was very shocked and scared. I am feeling lost and don’t know what to do with my life. My future is bleaker than ever as I know my current CGPA is not good enough to bring me anywhere. And things are going to change no matter what.

Life still, must go on.   

If I could.

If I could, I will try to stop him from going. If I could. He deserves to have his family together.

D finally went home today after for staying at my place for more than 2 weeks. He said he will come back tomorrow but promise cannot be made.

I don’t know. Maybe my words did affect how he thinks. So he went home today.  I mean, yesterday after I asked him about his little sister I felt immensely guilty about making him feel bad about himself and he as a brother felt very disengaged with his little sister. Seeing her so helpless with her helicopter mom. I couldn’t let myself and him sleeping with that thought in his head. 

So right before he doze off to dream land, I sorta apologized to him. 

“Hey, I’m sorry I brought that up. I don’t mean to upset you.”

“You’re thinking too much again.” *Yes I always do. I spent too much time thinking for him. 

He is very sad about things that could not happen to her little sister. They could not share the bond as he had with his elder sister. And about how her sister might turns out to be depressed as him and has no friends and her mom being the stay-at-home will never let her sister grow up like a normal person. I don’t know. He is actually concerning about the well being of his family, which is a good thing. But the look on his face just so sad and makes me just want to tell him everything is going to be alright.

And now me just hugging his blanket, reminds me of how he smells because I miss him already. 

The Talk.

“What’s  your sister thinks about you leaving for UK?” 

I wasn’t thinking through when I asked him this. He has been staying at my apartment for almost three weeks and he couldn’t even had the chance to go home for a day or two due to his internship and shits. It has been almost  a week that he received the offer from the university but things wasn’t go so well so he couldn’t go back to his family. He hasn’t had the ‘talk’ with his family. You know, those you had when something big is up. Like marriage, divorce, migrating or something of that scale. I think I almost broke him by just asking this question. I can see that he showed a great dislike about his family might break into pieces and go estrange with his absence in the coming future. Especially with his little 12-years-old sister. I don’t know what to say to sooth his feelings but I think I did a pretty bad job at it. Just feels like I’m a prick. I just hope that he will be fine when he get back to his family.  

What People Who Have Lost Love Know

What People Who Have Lost Love Know

There is nothing more consoling than reading this, where my recent separation really torn me apart and this really helped me.

Thought Catalog

4569080669_0f094c6d3f_oKyle Steed

The people who have lost love know that someone else’s love isn’t yours to lose.

Someone else’s love is yours to experience, but anything beyond that is just becoming attached to an idea, a hope, a big ‘ol “supposed to be.” The people who have lost love know that right there is the point at which you lose yourself — when you start believing someone else will carry some part of you with them when they walk away. When you start seeking salvation in the very person you have to be saved from, believing that someone else — someone other than yourself — can save you.

The people who have lost love know that you can lose things you never really had, end relationships that never really started, that never ran the course of all the dreams and plans you had together. They know that you can mourn people who were never really there at all.

The people who…

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The moment that you have to let your best friend, your love go.

The story of me. And him.

I don’t think he has the most attractive look. But he’s smile always blew me away.

For the last two weeks, he has been staying in my apartment as he is wrapping up his work. He is leaving. Every morning, he sets like a million alarm but snooze a thousand times. Sometimes I hate the sound of his alarm. It just reminds me that he has to leave to work. And yes, sometimes I woke up just before he leaves the door and I’ll greet him with bye or good luck in my worst morning hair/face, and as always, I can barely see his face properly as I didn’t wear my specs. The only thing I see is his silhouette or his blurry face. Or just sometimes he whispers goodbye to me. It’s those little things that is keeping me from going, surviving the day. Sometimes just before I leave the door and he still in bed, he will just sneak his head out of his sheets, look at me with eyes wide open, and say goodbye to me. I do want to go to him and plant a little kiss at his cheek. I want to do that so much but I have to control myself.

We are friends. Good friends that is just not in relationship. We’ve been there. Talked about it. Cleared the smoke in the air. But still, those desires sometimes it’s hard to control. There was one day I panicked and called my bff in Malaysia because I wanted to have someone in my life that I can go to, who I can go home to and hold him, touch him, caress him gently as he is mine I want to have someone that I can share my bits of life with. Someone that could satisfy my desires to be touch, loved and cared. The images of him in my mind seems to be difficult for me. He has been spending some time with me alone in my apartment and those thoughts just like a fantasy, like a dream that probably will never come true. The dream that I woke up to the sun shining from the window, seeing him still sound asleep with his peaceful face without the wrinkles on his forehead. Just like a baby. I admit a few times, I did try to study his face while he was asleep at midnight or early morning when I had some episodes of insomnia. And I hear his snoring, not those hardcore type. But just those low pitch hums that means that he is asleep. I’m not too sure but he is fast asleep and I am kinda not that type or maybe just I slept far too much as compared to him. No the thing is, it is somewhat peaceful to hear that. I felt safe actually.

 Last Saturday he admitted to me he is actually depressed. He is actually feeling the need to start fresh. I haven’t been seeing him so raw and honest to me for quite some time now. And this time he actually did cried. I wanted to cry so badly too and I went across the table to just give him a little hug but he just blatantly pushes me away. Later he was trying to save his face by keep repeating the mantra I’m okay, please really I’m fine. This is just me being stressed out. If anything, this was the first time shed his tears in front of me. He is very confused and messed up. Because going to London could means that he has to rake up loans that he probably has the hard time to pay back and maybe even going there won’t change a thing. It might not change his mood. His depression. Everything is a gamble. I don’t have a word for him. I want him go yet I don’t want him to go. He has to go for his good. I cannot be selfish.

“I hate you have to go, you know.”

Sometimes he just try to convince me that he might not go given there is still very small percent that he couldn’t go due to the financial reasons and visa problems. But I know, he wants to leave this place so badly. That really makes me feel bad a bit because in deep down, we grew close together because I couldn’t find my place too here in Hong Kong. Life can be weird. I found when I first came back from Nepal, I felt like a shit. I grew hate for this place that I used to love. I told D way before he told me he is leaving soon. And that feeling stayed in me for quite a week till I got used to it. And then, D told me he is leaving. That makes this place even hollow and empty as ever. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know where should I belong to. I don’t know where my heart wants to settle. I don’t know where is my home. Hearing him and seeing him so hyped when he showed me where is he going to live in the future when he is in London, I joined the fun with him exploring London in the Google map (sounds so dumb you know), spoke like a British. There is so much joy in him when he was thinking about his future there and I was too, so happy for him and even asked him to get me autographs of my favorite singers and bands and both of our fav, Kodaline.

The future is so bleak and empty and hollow and there is no us. There is somewhere along the line that he said it repetitively that he will not come back to Hong Kong. He must well if he feels happy there, find a job there and settle down there and never ever come back. And me just hearing that repetitively trying to convince myself I am okay with that. 

Losing your best friend like that just wasn’t too sure how to feel. Losing your love of your life like that just breaks you a little inside out. Knowing that this less than a month will be the last and you might not see him anymore again just makes you wants to cry in private, with your hands shiver so hard that you had some hard time time type the words into this article. 

Again. Therefore, I am trying everyday, trying to make the perfect moments for us. I am trying to preserve the moments that we have now. Today might be the last day he will be here in my apartment. And I waiting everyday hoping that will want to stay one more day. Hoping that he will just lingers here for just a bit more. Just a bit more. And I cannot stop him from going away, Finding his place, his happiness in this world because he deserves it and I shouldn’t be the one who stop him from looking for what he wants. I cannot stop him from spreading his wings and finds himself.

He will always be my love but not mine to keep. And my heart will always with him. Fly, my dear.   

Shit happens.

When shit happens, shit happens.

For the last two weeks,D has been staying at my apartment as he was kicked out by the dorm. The first week it was three of us, me, him and another roomie/bff. And this week is just me and him as bff KY has her parents visiting her in occasion of her 21st birthday. So yeah leaving just me and him. And nothing happened except that he broke a bed frame by his ass by accident * no one will believe this but this is a true story. He is busy juggling with job, study, tutoring and… shit.

He is leaving. I mean he is leaving in such he is transferring/going to another new university in London. He broke the news to me out of sudden that I could not react or think straight at all.  He is leaving. He is leaving. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. I kept myself composed and calm. I didn’t say much or ask him a lot of questions because I’m lost of words. I don’t know what to say. He has been unhappy for the past two years in HKU. He wants to go away and explore the world. He wants to be happy. He was so happy when he showed me the website of Brunnel. He was so happy. The look in his face makes me hard to say anything harsh about it but just that I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy. Like he is meant to be a happy boy. I kept myself from asking more because that is too much like an interrogation and it means that I’m doubting his choice so I kept mum. I know that he probably thought this through and I am the third person(two other advisers) other than his family members and he don’t want others to know before he makes his decisions. I know that he trust me that much and I’m slightly touched that he actually let me know about it.

And that leaving me shit. I don’t know how should I feel about this. Should I be feeling happy for him? Although he is not secure secure that he is going to get the place but very likely that he is leaving. I shouldn’t be selfish but the voice in my head screams ‘don’t goDON’T GOOO DONT FUCKING GO D!!!’ I ended up eating half tub of ice-cream at once because I was too upset and confused that time. He ended up praising me for finishing it all. I was just trying to stop myself from crying by binge eating dessert, There is nothing to be proud of. I was too upset. I did cried a little when he went into shower. 

I should be proud of him, as he is making a choice. Making a change. Wanting something to change and he is trying it. He wants to be happy and he deserves it. He should go if he got in. He should. And I should to, cherish the little time that is left and say goodbye before he leaves. And I’m crying so badly in the dark I felt pain as my tears touches my cracked lips, as I am typing this using his laptop on my bed with him sleeping by the bed beside mine. I don’t dare to make a sound so I won’t wake him up, He has exam tomorrow and shit I don’t want to screw that. I’ll try to talk to him tomorrow I guess.

My Journey to the Land of Love, Kindness and Forgiveness…Nepal

My Journey to the Land of Love, Kindness and Forgiveness…Nepal

IMG_20140610_154150Well, I know I haven’t been blogging for quite a few days so I’ll like to apologize for that. I’m not too sure when to begin with but I think I’ll just write whatever comes into my mind. Nepal, a sanctuary for Hindus and Buddhists, for those who is looking for peace of mind and adrenaline filled wanderers. I don’t label myself as a devoted Buddhist(by theory I am good enough but by practice it’s another case) but I’ll like to call myself an intern cum wanderer for the coming two months. I’m not too sure with my plans for the coming 2 months because apparently my supervisor here is worry that we will have hard time settling down here, which is absurd for me given I’ve experienced Ghana last summer. Nonetheless, I don’t come here alone. I am here with 2 course mates (another one was hospitalized for not sure what reason bailed out). I don’t know them before this, but they seems like pretty decent Hong Kong girls. Not the annoying type (I think, can’t be sure with just 4 days with them).

So here I am. With 4 days of Nepali diaries overdue, I think I’ll just briefly touch through.

Day 1-5

Well, basically stayed at Thamel area, at the Trekker’s home. Not a huge fan of the stay as very often (most of the time) our water supply is yellowish in color. I basically showered in iron tasting water everyday. It didn’t give much problem to my skin but the taste of iron in your mouth is overwhelmingly annoying. Meanwhile, the drinking water mainly comes from the bottled water I bought from the supermarket around the junction nearby, with 15rs per litre. Not cheap and environmental friendly if I drink 2 litre per day, I just used 8 bottles for 4 days. Okay. I should stop ranting. I basically visited Swayambhunath(monkey temple), Kathmandu Durbar square, Gardens of Dreams and Boudhanath. Learnt some Nepali words, culture and watched Nepali dance at the Bhujan Griha, which is AWESOME. I love it. Okay I don’t think I’ll like to be another Lonely Planet. And I think I’m going to be very bad at it. So I guess I’ll just write down what I remember and what I think is significant.

People

I’ve met several lovely peoples including my boss and collegues- Bigen, Yusina, Rajesh, Avas and some random friendly Nepali people who really eager to help you when you got lost in the middle of nowhere. I really appreciate their sincerity in the sense that I haven’t really met anyone who isn’t eager to help.

Cultural shock

water supply

Terrible. If you’re in Thamel area, even in hotel. I stayed at the Trekker’s home near the J.P. school, Thamel area. Although I love their customer service and their staffs are extremely friendly, their aircon is good and clean sheets, the water supply is bad. I mean, you can literary smell iron as the shower water pours on your skin.  As if someone died and tainted the water with blood. Or someone just had some menses in the water. Just pure disgusting. For five days, I’ve showered myself with that kind of water. I rather not brush my teeth and wash my face with that. Survived on 2 bottles of one litre drinking water per day. I guess it is just the downside of saturating of people in Kathmandu, causing the water resource scarcity in the town. 

14 June 2014, Friday.

Since yesterday, I am staying at Jorpati, at the house of my host family. It is not a conventional family, as under the roof there are 3 teenagers (18,17 and 13 years old) while none of them is the child of my host parents. Apparently their biological children are studying in Australia and US respectively. And the children staying with them are relatives’ children, whom they are living with them while receiving education nearby. I guess this is what they do when their parents are poor farmers and unable to support them, they let their relatives to take good care of them. I guess the time lost apart from their real family is sorta like a sacrifice for the sake of better future of their children.

Walking down the road of Jorpati reminds me of the good old days of Ghana last summer. It resembles a little bit like Ghana. Or maybe  it just like any third world country, they are the same to certain extent.

Today was the second day I teach a bunch of women (from age 18 to 60+) some basic English. It wasn’t bad, but not good either, as I’m very lack of experience in teaching. And you don’t say about bunch of elderly ladies who can barely pronounce ‘V’ correctly, or even spell out all the alphabets. It is indeed a tall task. Teaching is never my thing. But I tried hard, pushed myself a little, tried spoke some Nepali and got some help from the teacher there for explanations. I can’t tell whether we did help them but I hope I did, at least a bit (“ali-ali”).

How do I feel today? How do I think of D today? I’m not too sure. But I think I’m feeling freer, more relax, laid back and not too much about him. I tried to keep track of him but even me myself having hard time to keep track of my own new life/journey here in Nepal. It’s so confused for me sometimes. Everything seems to move so fast I don’t remember a lot of things that happened a week ago or even yesterday. I think I should write whenever I can, and that’s the right thing to do. And god please spares me a better internet connection so I can upload my stuffs smoothly and do my research papers

14 June 2014, 5.07pm.

Woke up by my roomie, let’s call her M at 4 in the morning. Apparently the  mosquitos woke her up and my another roomie couldn’t sleep due  to the bites. Well of course the ordeal ends soon after we had our mosquito repellent on.

This morning I woke up like 8 something in the morning, by the noise of my host family members. I guess I can never sleep soundly and wake up naturally for the coming two months. Which is sad but well I am on my intern and staying at someone else home so I guess I cannot complain too much. 

Went out to Patan soon after our breakfast at 10am. From Jorpati to Patan took us (4 persons, plus Mike, medical student from US who is staying under the same roof as us) about 30 minutes taxi ride. It costs about 600nrps per taxi one way, so when divided by 4 it wasn’t so bad. One thing about Patan is although it’s not as big as Kathmandu Durbar Square, the museum there is actually pretty impressive as the preservations are nicely done there, which is amazing and I totally love it. Although it’s hot and sunny as shit, and I sunbathed myself a bit and I normally don’t do that, that place is way better than Kathmandu Durbar Square as it is less crowded and sandy(nonetheless, the tour guides people are very annoying trying to offer you a ‘good’(actually horrible) price for a brief tour. However, we managed to get a good one for 300nrps 30minutes.

21 July 21, 2014, 9.16pm

At a café somewhere near Himalayan Guest House in Pokhara. It’s not that I want to be at this particular café at this hour alone. It just that the rain came so sudden, I have to take refuge here, ends up sipping a glass of hot lemon with honey. I think I have been very lazy, irresponsible and busy. I had been working really hard for my literature reviews and integrated essay outline for the last whole week. And the last post I have wrote is more than a month ago. This really proves that I was fucking busy with my work and essays. Now, all that left is my essay to my supervisor by 27/8 and I’ll be done before the next essay due. 

To be honest, I love it here. It’s peaceful. And I can do almost anything that I want. Life is great. My mind is free. Free from thoughts and contaminations.  I miss the clarity. I ran away from myself for a bit. I think I am taking a break from myself. I know I am my worst enemy. Overthinking is my specialty. But hey, I’m going back real soon and I’m slightly worried that I will go back to my old self. I guess I think too much again. I should see and let my future holds.

I think I behaved pretty bad and aggressive today. Plenty of bad thoughts I had. I just simply want to ‘slaughter’ people. I want to be left alone. I want some ‘me time’ and I chose to go away every night after dinner. I want to try to be alone. I want to go on some small adventure, meet and talk with strangers. I don’t think I mix with M and A very well. I always find myself loss of words or lost in translations in amidst of conversations using Cantonese. I guess I’m always shitty with language and incapable to talk fluently. Sometimes I just give up and give in, and it frustrates me a lot. Maybe, this is just a little test in my life. I guess.

Well, more to talk but I have to go grab some food for tomorrow’s breakfast. Going on a journey for 3 days, have to report to Namaste Children home by 6am. Not too sure what to expect but we’ll see.      

29 July 2014, Monday

By random chance I met a shaman/ spiritual healer. I mean, today day I supposed to go to water rafting but things went out of plan and we missed the bus in the morning. Ended up spending the day with Hatha yoga, body scrubs, attended a spiritual talk by some culty Russian turned Brahmin monk,   and talked to a random shaman guy. The oddity of life. I mean, sometimes its so funny to see how things turn out when things went out of plan. I met that guy at a small book shop around the corner.  I don’t normally go into things like this but it really caught my attention when he start talking about my astrology sign is cancer and I have problem with my lower back recently. He caught my attention and we talked for a bit and he showed me his writing that he has been working for 15 years. He said he can see chakara and he see said I do have problems with sexual energy and he was very surprised that I was never in a relationship and things didn’t work out for me. Haha. Funny. At some point he tried to ask whether I tried or not but sorry I am a total virgin or whatsoever.  Pathetic as it sounds like but yeah so what. Then we talked about life and happiness.

What is happiness? Life is a mystery and it has been interesting for me.

Later on we met another guy who preaches for Hare Krishna. Haha funny thing its almost like a cult, like a amish or Mormon group. And people around me were cheering and singing the mantra and dancing like no others business. Crazy as it seems.

31 July 2014, Thursday

Today is the final day here for me in Pokhara. Yesterday after a day long water rafting, although I was tired as shit, I insisted on going to the silkroad restaurant and bar nearby for the live music. And I was right! The music was terrific and its acoustic with lope. I never seen life music with lope and my life is complete with the songs I love and great mojito. Well one thing I met a 50-years old Italian guy who self-claimed tantra yogi with peculiar accent. And all he talked was tantric yoga, sex, freedom, love, crazy friend, crazy sex, desperate sex craving ladies, drugs, weeds, cherrymont and the word ‘crazy’. I was speechless because at some point he took out a valium his friend gave him and swear by he don’t take drugs and booze anymore because he is practicing yoga. Haha. Interesting.

7th August 2014 8.09pm HKT

Yeah. Here we go. Here now Im on the flight back to Kunming. Last week was slightly hectic but it was alright. Did some sightseeing in Bhaktapur,paid 40usd each (80 usd in total)  went to see sunrise in Nagarkot and trekked back to Bhaktapur. And of course, had a couple of fancy meals in Thamel after living very frugally for almost one month plus. PLUS, I met an extremely handsome guy who attended the handmade paper shop in Thamel. It was pretty embarrassing when A told that guy we (M and me) think that he is very good looking. I never feel so weak in negotiating for a lower price. I guess everyone has their weak spot (in my defense his offered price is low enough.

Okay back to reality. I mean, I hate to go home. Seriously. I mean I’ve been feeling really at ease while I was in Nepal. It has been a wonderful journey for me. I have learnt a lot and very comfortable and coherent with myself. My mind hasn’t been in this comfortable state for quite some time. Leaving Nepal is difficult. It means that going back to the chaotic and messy life. But I think I shouldn’t be too critical about this. I guess I should try to accept the messiness in my life and accept that with peace and love. Merely thinking about it will just make it worst.

Yesterday we visited the Himiskhara office and Bijen’s home at Lazimpat, 45 minutes walk from Thamel. Bijen’s home was lovely and his son was so adorbs and they have a lovely family. BTW, he and his wife met at a temple. After they talked for 15-30 minutes or so they got married. I don’t really believe in marriage but I believe in love. Love as an attitude and as an art. It will be tricky but I hope I can meet someone too, in the near future who is capable of love.

Today morning we walked to Ratna Bus Park, 30 minutes walk from Khangsar guest house and took a 45 minutes bus ride to Jorpati to pay a final visit to Asha and family. It was sad. We helped to cook brunch for one last time, made roti and exchanged some recent changes.  Asha’s health seems to get worst recently that she couldn’t use her arm too much and had some hard time preparing meals and cutting vegetables. She did pay a visit to the doctor and if situation get worst she needs to see specialist. She is like a mother figure to me. I am slightly worried and I will pray for her. She is one of those wonderful women that I really admire.

On the other hand, she did mention about the Shanti Alternative women school. I heard the progress wasn’t so well after we left the school as they couldn’t afford to hire teachers to teach English although it only costs 2,000 rupees per teacher(2 hours per day 6 days a week). Due to that, Savina might be losing her job very soon. But it doesn’t matter. Asha has been engaging with an NGO, hoping them to send more foreign people to help them (with pairing of a local teacher and a volunteer) teach English classes (basic and advanced class).I felt slightly disappointed when I heard Asha said the attendance dropped dramatically after we left (basic-less than 8, advanced-~14 which is a typical number J). And some of them said they miss us too. Nonetheless, I hope the school can get better.    

Overall, my journey here has been great if its not awesome enough. Meeting new people and talking to new people all the time is fun. A new friend I met from Columbia, Julieta , she is one of those which is  funny and interesting. Friends made but memories last forever. I don’t really like the idea of keeping in touch through internet or Facebook as the more I do it I find myself losing grasp of the memories, warmness and closeness we once had. I guess it is not my style of communication. It merely works as a way to keep tracks of my friends’ whereabouts and nothing more. Because I believe, face-to-face connections are always the best and true and authentic. I guess.  

So, I guess this is the end. Period.