Emotional attachments.

“But then you realize what a beautiful thing emotional attachment is, it is really just so specific and unique and exclusive and individual.

It is painful. And beautiful. It defines so much of humanity.”

Yes. It is. It’s true. What D said as one old relative of mine just passed away. Losing people is part of life. As people grow old people dies. Or some just got unlucky and dies by accident.
Not sure since when, it’s hard for me to have emotional attachment for anyone. Probably since at some point of my life I lose too many of people by accidents or loss of connection. Losing people makes me heartaches. And tears. At some point your heart decides it is better to have less emotional attachment to stuffs. Some people just not worth to have emotional attachment with. Therefore I learned to attach to my family and my two other girl best friends and no other.

But as I study abroad at HK since last year, it is different. My family and bff are not here with me. I can say it’s seriously lonely. I sometimes compensate by skyping back to Malaysia to my bffs excessively. They are pretty annoyed by me I can assume. I once did skype my dad a lot but we have less to talk about.

But I met D at the end . He is the boy version of my bffs while he is being more intellectually stimulating. Slowly, our distance grow closer. His presence simply always be able to cheer me up at the end of the day. The gap gone smaller. We share a lot.

By the time, I realized I starts to have emotional attachment to him, it’s too late. My friends reminded me that every conversation that we had is about him. Over a weekend time, space and distance suddenly become a struggle and issue.  I spend most of my time to think about him, missing him. Sometimes I smile like a idiot at myself because I recall some fond memories of us. It’s difficult for me not to think of him while memories of his is everywhere I go and almost everything I touch.

*********

28 May 2013, Tuesday

He and I went out for dinner. Just two of us. Coincidentally all my other friends have their own stuffs to do. I was very happy. I wanted this opportunity for some time. We took the tram to a place further down a bit to eat and I need supplies for my Ghana trip. We bump into some friends at the eating place. My friend surprised me from the back with some tickle. It gave me a real shock. I was really shocked. She asked are we dating so far away from dorm? I was even speechless. I was thinking, we are not even in a relationship how on earth are we possibly dating?? He tried to turn this back by asking them to sit with us. So yeah. Screwed up dinner. But we did enjoy ourselves.

We both go some shopping afterward. He just cut his hair. Short and clean. He is rather baby fat when he just cut his hair. But that’s alright. I still like it. But sometimes along the front and back it’s messy because he never like to use wax or gel. As we hop on the escalator, I turned my body to face him as he was right behind me at the tiny escalator, we were almost at the same height. I reach my fingers to gently fix his messy hair. He didn’t resist me or smile. He just stared at me. He didn’t give me any reaction either. We went to supermarkets. But we didn’t spend much time browsing which is odd because he loves to browse around. He wasn’t in his best mood I guess.

*********

Or he is thinking too much too? I am having some real hard time too. Packing up stuffs. I was subconsciously trying to delay everything. The emotional attachment to this place and him it’s making it really difficult for me to leave this place. I’m now left with 7 days. or 4 days with him. Everyday, every second that I left with I want to spend with him. But he is not here and I can’t blame him. He is packing up his stuffs back to his home too by batches.

Now my luggage still empty and I should start packing. And it is difficult. I miss him dearly already.

 

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False hope.

I called him. After he wouldn’t reply my message for 2 days. I asked if he is alright? He said he is. I asked again because I can hear uncertainty in his voice. He said he just needs to let go of some stuffs for the next semester. He asked what plans I have this week. I said not many concrete plans. Actually I wanted to leave my schedule as empty as possible so that I can spend as long time as possible time with him. I find myself speechless again over the phone for quite some time. I wanted to say how much I miss him. I guess I replaced them with my speechlessness. I just want to listen to his voice.

**************

He said he will find me tonight. He didn’t. I asked him for drink. He said he has appointment 9am tomorrow. So he said we will talk tomorrow. I hate him. I hate him doing this to me. Giving me all the false hope. I’ve not seen him for 3 days since his exam is over and since he came back from home yesterday. He didn’t take the initiative even come and find me. I don’t really get it. Am I being a fool? Keep waiting and waiting for something and someone that probably don’t give a shit about  me?  I was having a bad day. Knowing that I was actually spending my precious time on nothing. I just spend my days idling there hoping that he will find me. I’m a fool.

Maybe the cider that I took while writing this gave me the overwhelming of emotions and I cried again. I’m weak. I’m having major headache while writing this. Or maybe it just the effect of the alcohol in my system. I hate myself. I hope there is a switch that I can flick so that my emotions will just turn off, like a vampire. Why am I doing this to myself? I started to doubt my decision that I made to fall for him for real.

To build a home.

Today I spent my day with my brother and his girlfriend trying to build their new home by cleaning up his new found home and buying some household items. I spent my whole day being a no-wage-cleaner and jack of all trades.

At the beginning, I thought I was an idiot. Why would I want to volunteer myself to do dirty works. But today I felt like a family. Working together to do stuff, work things up. It’s almost like a family day. Just three of us.

I love to see how they both interact with each other. At first I thought they might not work out but they prove me wrong. They are right for each other.  I catch a glimpse of how they build their home. But of course they are both idiots at what to choose and what to buy and luckily I was there telling them what to do.

Honestly, I’m a bit j jealous of my second brother who is always been blessed and lucky with everything.

But I’m sincerely happy for him. He found his love. I hope I can find mine. I want to build my own home too.

Thinking about life.

Failing another course means he has to defer his study. He said he needed to live less of a life.  More of an engineering student, more serious.

It is a choice. It is a decision. It is an action that he should be taking.

**************

I constantly  have this thinking and some sorta internal conversation/debate with myself in my brain:

‘You have to think of what you really want in your life. I know it’s hard and you might think you don’t know where to start with.  As starting point, think about what you want in your life in 10 years time. Again, think about what is going to stay and still with you 10 years from now. 10 years from now, when you reflect back your university days, will you regret if you don’t do it now?’

***************

I hope he realize this. He’s now stuck with this and I can’t help him. He has to sort this out himself now.

 

Happy days.

21 May, Tuesday

He lied. Actually he has a exam on Thursday and I know I heard from him before but I thought i was just being mixed up with dates. He was actually trying to hide the fact that he has to retake this course again because he failed last semester and he want to save the embarrassment so he lied to me too. I was a bit furious when I found this out but I forgive him as I couldn’t be mad at him. He has the reason to lie anyway.

22 May, Wednesday, 11.10pm

He asked whether he can drop by my place for a bit. I said ” sure~~”. He is more than welcome to be in my room. I love to be around him. Makes me feeling safe and happy. In fact, I miss him dearly as I didn’t get my chance to see him for quite some time. I was actually trying to figure out how to draft my will when he came over. He said I should write one as I’m going that far and anything could goes wrong(touch wood). I am a psychotic person that thinks too much. I take up that suggestion immediately. But writing one is not easy. I also plan to leave behind some letters with words that I want to say to my dearests.

He sat on my bed and made himself really comfortable as if it’s his room. Like a child stealing all the pillows available all to himself and left nothing to me other than Teddy. He’s adorable. I love to see him laid back and play around with my pillows and we ate and guessed jellybeans flavours. He was so close to me by my side when I was watching some random youtube craps and we can almost kiss if I ever just turn my head. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder.  I wasn’t been this happy for some time. We talked through the night till 3-ish am. He left his scent all over my pillows as he was hugging them the whole night. His scent gave me relief to my headache and brought me  sweet dreams.

23 May

It was quite a day. I woke up early for my final jab and I went to do some shopping with my second brother and his gf for their new home. They even bought a double bed that day. I was a bit jealous of my brother as they are so happy together and they are going to have a new chapter together real soon. Nevertheless, I wish them the best.

At night, I went out with my new bffs ky, yl, and him(but missing one friend). It’s kinda a farewell to ky as she was taking off the next day. We ate ice-cream, nice food, went shopping and window shopping together. I never felt so happy for quite some time. And of course, non-stop-camwhore. I want to take more pictures of him before I’m going to Ghana.

24 May

All five of us we went for McD breakfast before letting my friend go. All I did was thinking what if I was her. I can’t stop myself looking at him and I bet he realize it. I was studying his face, his features and his smiles. I tried to get them into my brain and remember all the details. I hope I can have the whole day just to allow me to stare at him. Sometimes I also find him staring at me too.  I will just look back at him and we will have this eye contacts that I hope that second will last forever. And he will be mine.

Facing tomorrow?

Omg. Am I waiting for something that probably never going to happen? I’m such a fool. All I can do is just cry about it. The burst of my tears down my cheek won’t cure or heal anything but that’s the only thing that I can do now. He always said I have too little friends and I always notice that even without him to point this out to me. That’s why. I cling to him.

And now, even if I have to move on, I don’t know and I’m not sure how and where should I start with while he’s been in my mind all these time. What should I replace him with in my mind?

Today, he told me. He’s going back tomorrow right after exam and he’s going away for a week. And by the time he got back, we are left with 11 days(probably way less than this) before I’m leaving HK for Ghana for 2 months. I immediately felt an intense heaviness in my heart, as if my heart sinks a bit or weight few more pounds. I put up a fake smile, asking if we ever going to hike and see the dawn like we used to said before I leave. I really love to go see the dawn last time but because of typhoon we canceled it a months back.  He promised he will come back in a week and we will go by then. He said so. But I’m not sure that will really happen.

Couldn’t cope with the intense uneasiness, I felt myself agitated for the whole day. To distract myself, I went out with a friend of mine at the evening hoping it will takes away how I felt. It doesn’t help.

Came to the dorm, alone again in the room. At 2.37am. Again. The overwhelming emotions consumed me. I gave up trying to hold myself back. I’m glad I’m in single room. I hope my floormates didn’t hear me crying. I cried my heart out. Maybe it’s the most therapeutic way of relieving these feelings. Especially in the middle of night, and these days has been really hard for me because I have no one to talk to, with all my bff working real hard with their lives. They are too busy to take care of me being so whiny.

My eyes and lips are swollen and hurts. Oh dear. How am I going to face tomorrow?

 

You know you’re turning local when…

Transitioning….

Hong Kong Sucks

They’re having a whale of a time over at a popular HK expat forum…here’s some highlights…you know you’re turning into a HK local when…

– you see a long queue and instinctively join it in case you are missing out on something.

– you find yourself repeating ‘Take a rest’ and ‘eat’ pills when sick.

– you hit door close in the elevator before I am in the elevator myself.

– you use la on the end of sentences

– you walk your songbird to the park in your PJs.

– you stare at people, laugh, and use racial slurs

– you eat weak soup with macaroni, ham and peas for breakfast

– you spit bones onto tables

– you avoid sitting with ‘brown’ people.

– you burp loudly in public and think nothing of it.

– you spend half an hour squeezing and inspecting every orange in the supermarket…

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Letting go?


18 May 2013
Its 2 days after my judgement week. I thought I can see him right after my exams. But I didn’t get the chance. Because I was being out for 2 days with my friends. I’m now being so damn free that I probably spend most of the time thinking about him. He calls me maybe once a day,  I was glad. But I want to see him in person even more. He always say and ends our phone conversation with “talk to you later” or “will talk to you tonight” but he never did. Did he knows I was waiting for him each night? I will just look at the clock more often than I should. Hoping that he’ll call me or find me or something. Did he knows how much I miss him but I tried real hard to stop myself.  I didn’t go to find him because I was scared I am bothering him. He needs the focus to study.I don’t want to be the bitch that annoys him.

Of course. This is only a few days. We are talking about 2 months. Me away from HK. Plus, I’m not even sure I can see him right after I come back. Oh shit. The nerves hitting me again. 5 days till  the result day of readmission. This is going to decide everything. I pray to god . Please let us go through this.

Half way through this I’m crying again. I don’t know why am I crying and this is probably the third time I cried about us ( I know I might be a heartless bitch but sure I get upset but I didn’t cry).

Is this the way he is letting me away?  Just bit by bit. Letting me slips away? If he thought he can, all I can say is, I fall hard. Like my bff said. I know. Letting go of something once you want to grasp on something, It’s almost never my thing. I might not be as bad as a hoarder but letting go of something it’s always been my issue. I love to cling on familiarity. I stuck with it and I love it. It is really hard for me to get over with something as I often introspect and think about my past or my life. I always believe that my past made up who I am now. It’s a process of growing up. Get over things? It takes time (fking long)and it sucks. And if that happens, I’ll always miss him.

With all my heart. I love him. Always.

What I want?

“What you want???” 

My friends screamed me. I’ve been bothering them with my predicament and they’ve been sick of me whining about the same issue. I know what’s their answer. If I were them, I would give the same answer too. 

My predicament: 

I’m now I fall in love with a really close guy friend. I never could tell him how I feel because he is confused with his sexuality. I’m scare of losing him as he is my everything now. We are at the grey area where things got unresolved. My heart aches and my eyes tears when I think about us. 

Possible solutions: 

1. Tell him how I feel before the summer starts(end of springs)

2. Not tell him how I feel and keep it this way and be BFF

3. Wait and see

**********

Ultimately, I have to figure out what I want. In fact, I have no idea. What is the outcome that I desire? I’m not quite sure. So if I’m gonna walk to him and confess, what are the possible consequences? I’m I taking the risk of confess for the sake of confess without even knowing what I want? I don’t want to be like that. That will be foolish and stupid.

I must control myself not to do that. I have no options isn’t it? To keep this precious friendship. He knows I don’t have many friends here. In fact, I’m pretty much restricted to my comfort zone. I know I should go out and explore the world, know more people and he encourage me to do so too. Yes I will. Probably starting next semester. I will. I’m too scare of losing things that I own now. But without taking the risk I know I will head to nowhere. 

Back to square one. What I want? I want him. 

 

Judgement Week

It’s here. Finally. The judgement week where they will judge how much shit you’ve learnt for the entire semester. Honestly? I didn’t learn anything very much constructive for this semester. But anyway I’ll still have to do my best not to screw up my papers. 

As I’m away from home, I missed the chance to celebrate Mother’s day with my family (which is sad, but I did skyped and awkwardly saying happy mother’s day to my mom and that’s all our conversation). It’s not like my relationship with my mom is not good, we are great, it just that we have nothing much to talk about and I don’t want to lie to my mom about stuffs, therefore I kept our conversation short. I know I’m a terrible daughter. I should treat my parents better. 

I asked D for lunch. Sadly he went to celebrate Mother’s day with his family. He needs that. He needs to be with his family. He should cherish what I don’t have.  

At night, he asked me whether I was in my room. Of course I was. Struggling, prepping for 1000-words-3-hours English paper that I hate so much. I wanted to see him too. 

He came with his laptop (as usual), started talking about how shitty now his situation as he is now politically involved in some few committee thingy where one wrong step he will be screwed for life. I’m damn worried. I knew this day would come. He is such a thrill-seeker that he want to join stuffs like this. I’m never that proactive person and more of a neutral person. I know the reason why he join so many of this is because he take them as distractions from his studies. And he loves stuffs like this. Especially those will cause chaos.  

Then he said that he is now screwed as he has only left with 1.5 days to cover his ridiculously hard math subjects(Engineering duh). I felt, again, helpless, just sat there, staring at him, listen to him. I wish I could do something but sadly I couldn’t (I’m social science student). And I noticed something. His eyes. At first when he walked into my room, I thought he was just damn tired because he’s been out all day and woke up early. But his eyes was clearly red, as if he was just cried. As he said how screwed up he is now, I can hear his voice starts to crack, as if his throat contracts and he was trying to hold his tears.

Oh god. Oh baby. He must have crying alone before he came to my room. I wanted to tell him it’s alright to cry in front of me. It’s alright to be vulnerable. He’s been always holding back. Few months back, he hesitated as he asked me whether I could be the ‘trashcan’ as he always felt happy to talk to me and he don’t want to put sad feelings when he’s with me. Silly him. I’ll always willing to listen to him no matter it is happy or sad. He did mentioned(indirectly) it’s always cheer him up to see me. Yes, he has the same effect on me too. ^^

Back to topic. I should have sit right beside him and hold him. Tell him it’s alright. But I didn’t (again and again) because I was having a brain freeze with what I should tell him. ORZ.

*************

One thing I never really quite understand why he is so scare of tearing up in front of me? It’s been a few times he was clearly in this kind of situation. As it happens, he will just twist and change topic or just sort to bash out of my room and disappears. There was once I got emotional of something that I almost tear up in front of him, he just gave me a shock face and he tried to run out of my room (literally his hand already on the door knob). I quickly calm myself down and didn’t cry. He said a few words and he just left as if he was in a hurry.

Clearly, he was freaked out and I have no idea why. I guess he’s really scare of these crying thing. I should one day talk to him about this.