7 June 2014
Yesterday I didn’t get the chance to make a one last call before I take off to Nepal. I called him twice on the plane but he didn’t pick up. I was disappointed at first because it will be comforting just to listen to his voice one last time for the coming two months. But he managed to whatsapp back as soon as he saw my miss calls. I guess he was in the workshop and unable to pick up my phone.
“good luck in nepal
I think you will at least like the part where you are in transist in china
come back whole ok
[half crying smiley face]”
“Yeah… I think so… Maybe grab mcd there
I’ll be fine
I’m sorry about yesterday.
I think I always do stupid stuffs pls forgive me”
“It wasn’t stupid
I’m sorry too”
“[red cheek smiley face]”
I think we’re fine and alright. I think we’ve set things straight and there won’t be anymore confusion. As I’m writing this, I’m on the plane to Nepal, overlooking the sky with little white clouds all over. My heart and mind feeling at peace. D is my best friend that I ever know since my university in Hong Kong who walks me through my tough days and happy one. He is that someone which you called him as your significant in your life and made your life more meaningful.
We’re never meant to be lovers but that is okay. Because after all these, I know we are never the right fit. We know each other more than ever. And after all we had been through, we’re stronger than ever. After all these, we still able to mend and apologise and go back again being each other’s good friend. It took us some efforts but we made it through despite all odds. Including this time. Because despite everything, I cherish the friendship that I have with him. I cherish him as the person who always being true to me and I can always be myself in front of him and without any judgements. Despite his flaws, I still see the good in him.
Nonetheless, I guess this will be the new beginning for me, for him and for us.
Here we go again. The aftermath. I’m now on the way to the hk airport, taking off real soon to nepal for my 2 months summer internship. The moment is finally here. No surprises. The calamity that I’m feeling its odd. I haven’t been crying since I talked to D last midnight. I think I’ve solved the question that has been bugging me for so long. And the answer I’ve knew it all these time. Just that part of me unwilling to embrace it. Now the confirmation has done. And things turned into clarity.
I’ll always love him. I always do. But the friendship kinda love. A platonic one. Never more than that. Maybe we never have love before. Maybe I never meet something called love before in my life. Everything was just an illusion that my mind built to provide me the illusion of safety. Or maybe just me. The truth about love is, when you thought you’re in love, the feelings you experience, maybe they are just you, created by yourself.
Nothing is true. Nothing is real. Everything was just in my mind. They are my illusions and old ideas. And I felt in love with my old ideas.
I took upon the opportunity to send him off back to his dorm from my place. I said I wanted to talk. He was puzzled. He thought I was messed up again like last year summer. I was very upset when I want to leave HK for Ghana. This time, going to Nepal, I don’t feel excited or whatsoever. I felt at peace and too calm that actually creeps me. Around the corner down the road, we talked.
“About the skype messages you sent. It messes with me.”
“I don’t even remember what I said. We’re friends and we both like each other as a person a lot. And I really like you as a person….. But is it love? Do you feel physically attracted to me? I don’t feel that way. And I bet you don’t feel that way too. When you love someone you know it straight away….. We’re just very good friends who can talk about everything and have stay overs and share a lot. …….Is this bothering you? Is it clear? You need to start fresh. And that blog you aren’t suppose to find it. It wasn’t for you.”
Nothing ever happened between us. From what I heard, I think he found someone, or he always has that someone in his mind and I am never part of that picture. He had made it real clear to me about us. Period. I guess this is the end. I finally got his answer. I am wasting my young years. And yes, it is true. I am not really physically attracted to D but just the idea of being a couple fascinates me and we simply don’t work. And I’m not too sure it’s love. Maybe it’s love. But a platonic one.
Sunday June 1, 2014
Nervous. Jittery. It was the last night that I can spend time with D. But he was late from some errands. I am never the priority. Not anymore. I’m more like the booty call, where we only call each other or see each other after 10.30pm. I’m not sure it started since when, but it seems like it and feels like it. Just minus the sex. No sex involved between us. Just talk through the night.
I was freaked out and had my meltdown in amidst of waiting for him and tearing down my wallpapers in my room. I can’t believe, it has been 2 years. And it felt like yesterday. Too much memories made here. I cried so hard and so many times in a day I think I lost count. Coincidentally, my ‘cousin brother’ messaged me and I went over to pay him some money that I owe him. He saw me with teary eyes and I told him what happened and cried more in front of him. I never really cry in front of anyone I know. I don’t know why I just don’t do that. But this time I broke the rule and did an ugly cry. A really ugly one. But never mind, he knows just how I feel and understand that. We small chatted a little and he wished me luck and I left with my eyes more swollen than ever. I washed my face and applied some creams and I flocked to D’s room.
I didn’t dare to look into his eyes at first because my eyes are obviously red and teary. I was afraid he will realize it so I put my head low. But I didn’t talk about me moving tomorrow or whatever. I just want to spend some precious time with him, fills with jokes and laughter. I don’t want to talk about sad stuffs. I was drinking a whole bottle of coke and he called me crazy and tried to stop me from getting diabetes and I chugged on his chocolates and candies in attempt to stop myself from crying and comfort myself. I tried to remember every little details of him. Tried to remember the smell of his room and how he smells like. Time ran too fast, it was 5.30am. I left his room so we both can still grab some sleep and we still have tomorrow.
Monday, 2 June, 10am.
I packed whatever left in my room and throw away the rest and went to C’s room to leave something behind. Oddly, S was in her room, half naked eating breakfast in her room…. And she took almost a minute just to open the door. I find them suspicious but just jokingly walked out of the room to avoid the awkwardness that I just witnessed. I went over to D’s room just to make sure he is awake. He looked like a real shit and looked real pissed that I woke him out like that. Well. He creeps me out a little but I went back to C’s room to wait for him. Soon we went out ate breakfast and went over to see my new apartment. D was really elated and really excited and all perky cheerful seeing my new place. Later on we visited a few places around Central area and Admiralty. I haven’t seen him being so happy for quite a long time. My skin is still burning from today’s merciless sun as KY, C, D and I went out together to the HK biological parks. We haven’t been doing that since forever. But without J, another member of our sexy fat ass group we are not complete. It will be different.
We ended the day by four something because D had something to do. And D only realized that we are never going back to the dorm. His expression went down and energy was all down because he didn’t sleep well last night and he still has a long day to go and other stuffs to do. When we were leaving, C and KY were like really being cooperative and wanted to give us the space so I can do my final talk. But I stopped them. I didn’t tell him because I don’t want to bother him and ruin his day. And my brain was pretty much fried and stuck. I don’t think I can talk more and think straight. So Iet him go. I know I still have chance to see him before my Friday flight to Nepal. I know I still have my chance.
So now, I still have time till Thursday. I will ask him out and speaks my heart for real this time.
Just in time, I might need this.
This is those times where shit just got real or time just tight or the moment that I don’t want to face is finally here. I’m officially moving out all of my stuffs including my pillows to my new apartment. And YES. The plan is still on. I’m going out with all my beloved friends tomorrow and with D too(according to plan). Well the plan involves me doing the confession or so called re-confession again. It sounds really bad to be honest. And this time, I have no confidence with myself going to gain any from this but the truth. I will gain the truth about us, and maybe put a period on this. Maybe after all, it is my suicide mission. I do not intend to hurt him or anything. I don’t want anything that he don’t want to do. I won’t force him into something that will not work. But yet, I need to know the truth. I need to know where should I stand after one year. After for so long, he keeps telling to find a new beau yet I failed miserably and keeps going back to him. Turning round and round and back to him again. I have no idea what he had done to me, to my heart. He stole my heart so easily and effortlessly and I have no idea how to get it back.
My new roomie and bff, KY decided she will spend her night at our new studio apartment while I decided to stay at my room for the very last night, leaving a bottle of vodka and some titbits in my room. I’m not too sure what is my plan because there is no plan. I’m probably just waiting the time to pass or just to try to find myself some alone time. There is too much for me to take in. Too much. I don’t know how to handle it. On the way back from my new apartment back to dorm, it felt like dejavu. I took a short brisk to the nearest bus station further way down. I need some walk to work out my brain. I need to think. I need to run through what I need to say tomorrow and tonight. I need to cool down myself. I am all dizzy and feeling weak all over my body. I can barely walk. I think I can just pass out anytime or on the spot. I think I’m not breathing properly.
It’s over. It’s the final night that I can spend with D alone. I can’t believe this.
It took me almost a semester to build myself back. And again, I am as weak as ever. I’m so afraid, I’m so fragile, I’m so weak in deep down no matter how much effort I tried to pull myself together, I regress.
I need to pull myself together. But not today. I want to cry a little. Maybe more than a little. I think I’m gonna cry a lot for this few days. And this time, is probably the end. And I shall go to Nepal with new clarity and with a new me.
Okay. The thing is we met last night. Me, KY and D finally went to the vegan sushi place at Yau Ma Dei. Soon after that the we grabbed ice cream at the 7-11 just around the corner. It was brief. Nothing special. Then we just went home because it is obviously weird with a third wheel-KY is with us. And of course, I’m not satisfied with just a dinner. I want to talk to him, just 2 of us. So I ran into his room around 10.30pm and he was actually cleaning up his room, so called ‘summer cleaning’. I just sat there amused by his quirkiness where his room was used to be hobo home now he was m mopping his floor, changing his sheets and his contented face when he changed his sheets.
I can’t believe what he can do to me, I mean just his mere presence just enough to cheer me up, feeling so much better about myself and this world. It got me thinking. I must tell him. I must reconfess again. I must tell him how I feel the last whole year. I must talk to him about us. Even in deep down, I know, I might not have the chance. Taking a leap of faith again is the only thing I can do and I have nothing to lose this time.
I should start thinking about my re-confession script for Monday. Fingercrozz!!