Okay with not being okay.

I feel like I’m hanging on a wire, dangling. I don’t have a choice, do I? The weekend has been rough on me. It has been a long weekend holiday (mid-autumn) and originally we planned to go to hiking on Sunday, but apparently he has to work on Sunday too, so it got cancelled at wee hours. I was slightly pissed, and sad. The thought of spending such family holiday alone is just devastating, pathetic. So I asked instead of hiking, how about just have a dinner at the night of Mid-autumn meal together at night, apparently he has to meet some old friends. But at the end, I spent my night with my brother, cousin and friends. So it wasn’t so bad. At the end, (out of guilt, I think) he asked about whether I can do a Monday night dinner. I was ecstatic at that time, because I really want to see him. I agreed immediately, then later found out I have volunteer duty at that night.  Alright,  and I proceed struggled to find a replacement with someone else and I did. Yesterday night I was all too happy, finally I can see him tomorrow.

But this morning (Monday), I have some uneasy feelings. He later at noon, messaged me about his boss asking him to work (it’s technically holiday today). I was left on my own device again. Again and again. Throwing myself back and forth, toying my feelings. Promises and no promises. It makes me so small so small. Of course, I acted as if nothing in front of him, it’s alright, everything is alright, I’m alright I’m okay with everything that happened. I’m feeling emotionally-draining and I have to learn to be okay with not being okay. I have to constantly tell myself it’s okay it’s okay but I feel like a kid that deprived of something that is essential to life. I don’t know what am I doing and how long I can last. It robs away my sanity.

Debilitating.

I can’t think straight. Too much smokes and clouds in my mind I can’t function well. Too nervous too anxious that nothing can calms my restless soul.

I called a new friend from another school just so I could talk to. I cried a little in the conversation and it was alright. But still my symptoms persists.

My debilitating anxiety and fears on nothing is killing me. It’s really eating me up alive.

I woke up at 4am without good reasons again. I could easily lose my mind. I want to cut myself. I’m feeling the ‘pain’ under my skin that they accumulate in me that I feel like I can go crazy in any moment. I feel like killing myself. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I have tonnes of work to do that I feel like drowning.

I need someone to save me.  Save me from my fears, and my anxiety.

Barely breathing.

I can barely breathe, still I have to drag myself, put on my mask and be a normal cheerful person. While every time, whenever I’m alone, I just want to hold myself, pull my legs up just to hug myself a bit. I just want to sink into myself. Retract away from the world. I’m depressed again. I think so. I’m not too sure it’s the season change (suspects it’s seasonal affective disorder). And to keep myself above the water, I think I need to quit the child behavioral center. That internship is energy draining and I really don’t like the energy there, although I will really miss the kids there dearly (because they are the real angels there, while the grown-ups are the crazy one, I think). And I have deal with my FYP. I need to know where is my limits and this is where I draw my line.

Updates on my hazy days.

Last Friday i went out with sunrise guy again. After for so long, i have waited this moment for so long. God you hav no idea, i have been waiting for that day for months. I missed my alone time with him. I want to know him more, what’s going on with life. We went to this Nepali cuisine and he liked it, thank god. And we went on watch the Everest movie(bad one, boring i think). When he wears his 3D spectacles, i can’t help i want to look at him. He was hot, with his 2days old face hair, wearing his button-up blue work shirt, i was literally swooned. He looked exactly as i would imagine he would look like. I can’t stop looking at him. He is beautiful indeed.
He loves kids. And he used to have 2guinea pigs but they were shocked died by the feral. No wonder he is so afraid of dogs. After movie we parted at the MTR station. It was an awkward fist pump on my arm. I think he’s still very awkward about the whole thing. Maybe I am to blame too. I was too shy and crazy about this personal zone thing. I think the only thing I can try to bond with him through books.
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On last Saturday Morning, my mind went  haywire. I must admit, I haven’t been sleeping well recently. And my mind had a throw fit. I woke up crying about my parents, my relationship with them and everything. I could hardly calm myself for that whole day. Nothing makes me better. Not even a cup of lady grey. I felt myself drowning, under the water. I needed someone to talk too. So I messaged the sunrise guy through Facebook, tried to start a conversation, anything that takes my mind away. And he didn’t reply to me at all. At night I can’t hold myself anymore. Because I need the explanation. For those messages that I’ve sent way back then, even months back, I felt sad that I was ignored. I WhatsApped him, ask him whether he read the messages I’ve sent him. My mind told me I said something wrong, or something to him. Apparently he read it but he didn’t reply because he was busy(today), and he said he’s not the kind of person who reply much or get offended by nothing. Apparently it’s my over thinking strikes again, and I was guilty as fuck and apologized to him. He assured me nothing wrong. I need that.

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Sunday, I gathered my courage to ask him out for the coming week again. I was ecstatic he said yes to hiking this coming Sunday. At least they give me hope. All I need is hope. For now, it’s surviving. I just want to be love. I want to be more than this.

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Today, My mind is spinning, like today’s weather. Chilling, and rainy. It’s like a huge cloud on my head that I can’t seems to get rid of it. I’m just so mellow, tired, I’m not too sure what am I doing whole day. I feel like a walking zombie. Feels like hiding inside my blanket and snuggle for the rest of my life. I’m that tired.

Updates.

Hey there. If anybody is reading this. Maybe not. I haven’t been writing much lately. Or I haven’t thinking much lately. Or I haven’t been with myself lately. It was all too busy since the beginning of the week. I was preoccupied with internship in a special needs children school whole day and night classes. Everyday I went home feeling weak, tired, and as if I could black out any moment. That place really sucks my energy and requires my undivided attention. As an introvert, it really takes away my sanity bit by bit, day by day. But I always love being hugged by the kids and I definitely love the smile of the children.

On the other hand, I spend most of my free time (fairly any) alone. I need the quiet and my new earphones is really a wonder as they work wonderfully. Gives me some zone out moment. I haven’t talk to the Sunrise guy yet. Not even a message, a phone call, not in any way. A total black out.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. And Venus retrograde is about to pass, after tomorrow. And I’m getting my shits together now. Fairly busy with my internships and classes and thesis. And occupying myself with them really helps me in putting him out of my mind.

I miss him. I still miss him. Every part of me still aches for him. I wonder how is he doing and whether he thinks of me now and then. I wonder if we can be something when we meet again.