Update on me and B.

29 December

Hi there. As I write this, I am now on my flight to Taipei. Today is 29 December, currently 12.45pm. A lot has happened few days ago. On 27 December, I spent my night with B, knowing that I’ll be gone for 2 weeks soon. He booked a hotel room nearby his home at Tsuen Wan and we had sex again. We are great together. He is such a sweetheart. I like we soaked ourselves in the tub, laid on top of him, holding him tight. And how he looks like an angel when he sleeps. I am still not used to having someone sleeping beside me but I feel safe. I feel comfortable enough beside him. So I asked him when is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend while we were in the tub, although we practically done everything what girlfriend/boyfriend would do. Still, I need his words, proper verbal consent. He didn’t hesitate and of course I said yes. I can tell he adores me a lot and he’s like a little puppy or the fox from the Little Prince, and I am the little prince, and he is so tamed by me.

The next day, he started asking more serious questions about future, life, dreams, etc. heavy stuffs over lunch and I am a little concerned about him. After lunch we parted and I took the ride to Sheung Shui, visited D for one last time before to go, or before he goes back to UK and never ever come back again. It is always funny to see how things turned out between us. He just walked away from a grueling on/off fling that he is the emotional bitch in that relationship, albeit they have only met 3 times in person. And I just confessed to him that I just lost my virginity to someone I knew online, and within a week, now he’s my boyfriend. Life is complicated and he had this epiphany that he probably will not come back to HK. A little over a year really changed us all and we will try to stay in contact as much as we can.
At night, I noticed B was cold with his messages and I figured out he might be pissed with the fact that I might go clubbing. He didn’t want to stop me but he is definitely not liking the idea of me getting drunk and dance and touched by other guys. He said I can do whatever I want. But I felt sarcasm in his words and I assured him I’ll not betray him or cheat on him in any way because it’s a spiteful thing to do. He is a little assured but at midnight he suddenly asked me, ” Hey, do you love me?” I freaked out. Although I knew somewhere along our relationship this thing will comes up. It just a matter of time but I don’t expect to be this fast. We have only confessed out liking towards each other but never the lxxx word. And he dropped the bomb. I went brutally honest with him. “i have to say that i really like you and i really enjoy the time we spend together. but we have only met in person for a week and i am still trying to grasp on the reality” “i don’t know what to say because i really don’t know how i feel”. He was offended. And he replied me with ice. “Alright, it doesn’t matter” I don’t blame him but I don’t want to spoil the good. “no, B I know it matters to you that’s why you asked. But I can assure you that I am definitely not romantically involved with other peoples, or in love with other people”. Again, he blasted back with “Of course. Have fun in Taiwan”. It was a nightmare. But I told him I wished I book the trip with him and I asked if I can call him. It was a nice gesture before I go. Make sure he is fine. I think he might be in love with me already. On the other hand, I’m puzzled. I need some time to sink in with what have happened lately and my life. I’ve been happier than ever since I met him, I bet he feels the same too. I know I really like him and adore him and I really care about him. But at the same time, do I love him? I’m still not too sure about it.

30 Dec

When I finally realized he didn’t hear/remember what I said and asked whether we are bfgf. So we decided that our official date is when we first kissed: 12 December 2015 (1221). 🙂

One month mark: B

So, today marks the one month of me knowing B~ And we haven’t met yet. Sadly. *haizz. If we don’t have the exams and assignments, I think we would have spent our time together right now.

Every night, I dreamt of his touch, smell and kiss.

Every night, he entices me with words. And I seduce him back.

It’s mutual. It’s fun. It’s exhilarating.

I want him. He desires me.

The sexting is heavenly. We explore each other’s body with words.

The anticipation, the thrill, the lust.

We yearn for each other’s touch each night.

We help one another to masturbate and orgasm.

That kind of craving. We are insatiable.

And I’m afraid that we can’t contain ourselves when we meet each other.

New guy, B?

Hello, strangers. Do you miss me?

I’ve been incognito for quite some time. Deadlines and shits. Don’t worry, I wasn’t in any deep shit.  I know, my last post was about my rejection. But I’ve doing pretty good recently. My mood is all time good, most of the time I’m feeling positive and hopeful *exactly what I need during this stressful period.

But something interesting happened to me. So I’ve been exchanging messages with this guy called B, we found me on OkCupid about 2 weeks plus ago (since November 15) and we kicked off pretty fast. We figured out we are both recently experienced love failure (he was dumped by her 4 years long term relationship last May) and we have similar thoughts about life and things…. YES we are both lonely. And he was very open about his sexual experience. And we kinda tumbled down into the black hole…. of sexting.

I swear I’m not that kind of person will do such thing (ever) but it was a moment of weakness. He was surprised too, that I’m into this thing. I am surprised by myself too. *I kinda can tell he is more of the nerd than a player- but I can’t be sure until I see him in real person(yes I haven’t met this guy yet….). It was two sided. Over the weekend, I was rushing my essay (2.5k in 2.5days) so stressed out it was kinda aphrodisiac for me to talk about sex stuff. I need the relief. I need the attention. I kinda reciprocated and it felt good.  I have no idea sexting someone can be so much fun and pleasure. He told me he never feel so hard in his life before, not even with his girlfriend. Later the next couple days we did sexting now and then, and one time he really did cum, to my photos (no nudes whatsoever, I cover em all and no faces, or they are just cute normal selfies). It was exhilarating to me. I mean, I feel the proud and the pride. I’m sexual enough. Kinda boosted my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Now, we’re still chatting here and there, but as we both kinda still fighting deadlines, I hope that I can meet him really soon, in person. Sex on first date? NO. I don’t think that is a good idea. But, I don’t think I (we) can contain myself if he is what I imagine/in pictures.*He totally has this bad boy look.

Lessons learnt: Love.

Day 4 after my confession. I’m feeling nothing. To be honest, I’m feeling better than before I confessed. So I guess it did serves the purpose. I dreamt of him last night. We were happy and he was all smile at me and we were like a couple went for clothes shopping. It was really sweet and it felt very real to me and I was very happy in that dream. When I woke up, I can’t help to smile at that dream. It was so beautiful, to be honest. But that is not the reality we share.

I’m feeling freer, lighter, less anxious, alive, and content with now. Maybe with a bit of lonely, but I tried not to engage with that. I don’t feel like going down the spiral. I wanna do problem-focused as there is nothing much emotional-focused to deal with. I have my peace of mind now. I am alright. In fact, I think I just want to write it down about my experience in this whole thing.

Some of the things that I’ve learnt from him or the whole relationship are:

  1. Loving someone with all of your heart is not going to be enough, most of the time. Most of the time, you just get your ass kicked, bashed up unwillingly. No matter how hard you tried, people can’t change who they are or what they do. Maybe I always give my heart too easily, served on a silver platter. Maybe my heart is always too weary, too easy, too frail. Sometimes I just need to follow my heart, and let things slide when I first noticed things went wrong and walk out of it immediately.
  2. I have a very big heart, that I always see the good in people even thought they are just ugly as fuck, or having many flaws.
  3. The difference between attachment, obsession, dreams, reality, love and lust.
  4. Being in control of my life.
  5. Knowing that, sharing every detail of my life is not the best thing I can do. Sometimes secrecy  is a good thing. And learning on to be private about myself. Build a wall sometimes it’s not the worst thing to do. Oversharing is what I’ve been doing and I need to tone myself down a little.
  6. He quiets down my mind. I’m not too sure why but he did. The wall he builds around him made me sometimes so hard to talk to him, and it kinda shuts me down, made me utterly speechless because there are nothing else to say.
  7. Learn to be selfish and love thyself more. Don’t change your life because of someone else. It’s never worth it.
  8. Honesty is the best policy.
  9. Reconcile with yourself, your inner self, your feelings.
  10. Reconcile with your past, your past relationship. I did it with D and I felt amazing. We are more connected than ever, spiritually.
  11. I am deep down a control freak.
  12. I secretly love to dig on people’s worst fears and secrets, and wanting them to tell me so I can be safe, and feeling in control about things.
  13. I have an appetite for lust, and love. Sometimes they go hand in hand, sometimes separately.
  14. I have attachment issues that I need to work on, probably stems from early childhood.
  15. I really want people to hold me, cuddle me, hug me, squeeze me tightly.

If you would set me free.

I am counting the days,

Tryin’ to keep my insanity at bay,

Your words might not bespeak,

Though I’m feeling at peace,

But my thoughts are the unruly freak,

Heart still throbbing for you,

Can’t stop looking for you,

Even I know you are not there,

Even I know I am not in your heart,

I would like you to tell me in my face,

If you would just set me free.

 

 

Confession of love?

So… I met him over dinner meeting today and I gave him the present. The dinner was slightly weird because I was too overthinking and he was slightly quiet, I guess it’s hard to turn things around when we haven’t been talking/seeing each other for quite some time. *note: he recently started ‘bro’-ing me, which I hate it so much, I guess I’m the one who is in friend zone*

On the walk to MTR, I was a bit reluctant to talk about my family and emotion problems to him, but he was easy on me, distracted me with other topics as he saw me a bit, quiet. In the end, I find myself hard to talk to him about it, so I brushed it off. I have more important agenda. And I told him how I feel before we go our own ways at the MTR station, at the platform. My speech supposed to be at least 1 minute long but the nervousness turned it into a 15 seconds super speed confession.

“Do you remember that time I was in Shanghai and I came back early? Actually I wanted to come back and see you.”

He didn’t look surprised.

“And I realized I really like you.”

His face was on full-blown WTF look and we were both on panicked mood in the middle of the crowd, babbled. So I told him.

“We can not talk about this right now….. We can talk about this later.”

So I walked away. I know I need to go. As soon as I was on the train, he texted me.

Hey

Sorry about just now

I wasn’t prepare for a relationship thing

Need some time to think

Have a good night

I know. I was too much.

I understand, it’s too random

At this stage, I am feeling alright, glad, happy, and a gist of nervousness. Because, at least I have said it out loud, got it out of my chest after for more than 3 months.

 

Losing my flair.

On Friday, I was struggling again with myself. I am feeling stressed up with my study, my relationship with others and most of all, juggling with my own feelings and my mind. I had the idea that I need to talk to the sunrise guy, that I need to tell him how I feel. I can’t hang on to him anymore. I need to tell him exactly how I feel. I find myself losing touch on him. I find that we have this irreconcilable difference between us. And I am afraid. Terrified.

At first he said he couldn’t come out over the weekend because he has to work and training. I get that he was reluctant. He couldn’t spend time with me. But I was desperate. So I called him, because my feelings took over me.

I remember I was crying in the bathroom, trying to explain why I was crying. I am an idiot. I tried to tell him that what happened to my family. Something I never really told anyone other than my therapist and D. He tried to say the nice things. But he is not as good as D. At the end, he was willing to come and see me, on Monday night (his birthday), but I reluctantly rejected him because I have my volunteer duty, so we set on Wednesday. I shall tell him the truth.

Conversation with my inner child.

I start to wonder what is more left to dig, to discover, to uncover my unconscious.

I have figured out that my family is never gonna be the same and my parents are probably never gonna be the same.

I have accepted it, starting to embrace the fact as it is.

I had my days, good and bad.

But the insecurities.

The emotion. Still haunts me from time to time.

But I don’t know why.

I can’t think of the reasons for that.

I have reconciled my relationships with my parents.

I have admitted to the things that I wouldn’t really want to.

I have grown to love myself more than anything.

Still, emotions swallow me.

“Oh, little child, love, why are you crying? There is nothing that you have not known of.”

“I don’t know. I just want some love. Why people have to leave me?”

“They are not leaving, love, no one is leaving you, no one is going anywhere.”

“No one understands me. Why did no one understand how I feel? No one seems notices how I feel. ”

“People notice, your mom noticed it. Oh, little child. I know your dad knows it too. Some of your closest friends noticed it. You know you’re loved. You know you are. I know you feel alone. But how can anyone understand you when others never really understand themselves to begin with? Sometimes, you don’t know yourself very well too, isn’t it? Maybe it is like that. Maybe sometimes you have to let it be. We can never really understand ourselves, truly see through ourselves isn’t it?”