Let me go.

I ran to the music room soon after my choir practice. I knew he’ll be there practicing. He was preparing for another event, Everything by Micheal Buble (my love). He was slightly surprised I bashed in, but he kept playing without murmured a word. I assumed he allowed me to stay. I was admiring him playing the piano, I almost lost myself, drift into dream land. I was tired and they are good. They calms me down. They melt my stress and burdens away.

And the suddenly I thought of D. I wondered will he come to the event this Friday to see me singing.  I don’t know. I have to let go. I will, I am trying to break free from those memories of D. They are the past and I need to burn them off my mind. S is a good one. Don’t waste it. Got to let it go, say good bye.

Does he likes me too?

We spent like most of the night together. Me and S. It was a long night. We went to do material shopping for the decoration of cultural night, then move on having dinner. Just two of us. :3 Soon after, we spent like a few hours making light bulbs (yes making bulbs out of paper and polycarbonate).

At times, he tried to figure out who is that mystery person that I confessed to. He took my smartphone, wanting to check on the messages. I tried to stop him. But I sorta failed as he persisted. He raised my phone so up high I can’t reach. (T.T ) Nonetheless, he didn’t really check on my messages, but he did check out my gallery photos, where filled with my selfies that I’m not proud of. At least I made him laugh. :3

And one thing, we sorta have a lot of body contacts today. Like touching hands, he tried to dab me with yellow paints, and I tried to get back my phone. He was sorta into my personal space. Sometimes we are too close in distance, my heart skip a bit. I’m not too sure what is he thinking and doing. I’m slightly confused. Does he likes me too?

How The People We Once Loved Become Strangers Again

How The People We Once Loved Become Strangers Again

This is just me and D.

Thought Catalog

It’s interesting to think about how we make people who used to be everything into nothing again. How we learn to forget. How we force forgetting. What we put in place of them in the interim. The dynamics afterward always tell you more than what the relationship did — grief is a faster teacher than joy – but what does it mean when you cycle out to being strangers again? Because you never really stop knowing each other in that way. Maybe there’s no choice but to make them someone different in your mind, not the person who knew your daily anxieties and what you looked like naked and what made you cry and how much you loved them.

When our lives revolve around someone, they don’t just stop revolving around them even if all that’s left is the grief and pain that comes with their memory. Because you loved…

View original post 538 more words

Confide, Confession, again.

I did something. Something in deep down, I know I shouldn’t do but I did it anyway. You can say it’s sort of a decision made out of adrenaline rush, desperation and crave for love and attention. I confided to S about D. *Okay people, I think I’ll call Kitty as S from now on, as for convenience and it’s silly to call him Kitty although he is cute. We talked about 4 hours till 4 am(a new record). Well, I told him almost all the highlights that he needs to know, leaving out some miscellaneous and important details that could expose D’s identity. But he did tried very hard  to figure out D’s identity. Nonetheless, for god’s sake I simply couldn’t tell him that guy is the one who sat right behind me during last high table dinner, while he was sitting right in front of me. That will be awkward…..Besides, he had this computer science project that he wanted to be one group with D, however they didn’t make a group together (THANK GOD FOR THAT), instead they did it individually. I’m not too sure about the whole story, but maybe D did it on purpose and don’t want to work with S, as he knows that I used to have little crush on S ( he ignored S’s message on suggesting to work as a group) and he used the reason didn’t know how to do and haven’t touch that assignment at the first place.

Okay. Back to the topic. A mutual friend of me and D just experienced an awful breakup and she shared one particular Thought Catelog post by my favorite blogger Brianna Wiest. You can read more by pressing the button below.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/02/how-the-people-we-once-loved-become-strangers-again/

D liked that post. It was weird. It’s very unlike him. He’ll never do that.  It was frustrating, I panicked and confided to S. Because I really need the advice from guy’s perspective.

“You have to let go, forget about it.”

I know I know. I’ve been in relapse for 8 months. I’m way better than I used to. This is just a minor panic and I need some comfort. I even told him about my masochistic behavior, where I went to pierce my upper earlobe (soft bones) and one earlobe some time during my grieving period, because I couldn’t stand feeling pain inside but not knowing what to do with it. So I externalize the pain, as it works similarly to self-inflicting non-deadly cuts on wrists. I was in pain for almost a month and they did the tricks. I never told anyone about it.  S said he took 2 years to forget about her crush, although they never been together and once he drank like 6 bottles of cocktail vodka at once just to get through the night. But I don’t want to waste more time because time is what I don’t have. I need to let go.

” Why me? Why would you confide to me? If you tell me your secret you might fall in love me. “ S was half jokingly said.

” Because I trusted you you won’t tell anyone and oh pleaseee you see too highly of yourself.” I was a little bit shocked because he really said it blatantly without any censorship. But I got there going, kept it ambivalent and safe. I really like him, to be honest and I can’t just show my cards like that.

“Do you still love him?”

“I…I’ll always love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore.”

I have to be sure that S will not be the rebound guy. I have to be clear about my feelings.

The next day, we exchanged a few messages as I sent him the blog post. While somewhere along he wrote ‘we also already become close friends, later we become strangers hahahahaha’. Silly boy, I won’t let that happen to us. I won’t repeat the same mistake again. Not again.

8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fall In Love (And 1 Reason Why You Should)

8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fall In Love (And 1 Reason Why You Should)

I shouldn’t.

Thought Catalog

ShutterstockShutterstock

You know those times when you just got your heart broken, and you’re thinking, “I should’ve known, I really should’ve known”? Well, I say, yes, you really should have, but there’s nothing you can do about it now, except take a little time off wallowing and then get your ass off that couch and your guard back up. So I’ve decided to help by preparing a list of situations in which falling in love would only result in heartbreak, to help you avoid repeating the same mistake.

[tc-related post=”198466″ align=”right”]

1. Don’t fall in love in a relationship that started off with lust

This is the kind of love story that has graced both the big screen and the small screen many, many times and it had fooled a great many of us into thinking that we, too, could fall in love with a one-night stand. But it’s different…

View original post 842 more words

The moment I tried to convince myself not to fall in love again.

An open letter to anyone who is struggling with love,

Remember? The end of November 2012, by random chance you met D: a quirky person who seems to be interesting but physically he’ll never be your type as you always incline towards someone who is bulky-muscular-sexy-looking like Taylor Lautner. He was never your type and you were not his too, as his dream girl is Scarlett Johansson. Automatically, we placed each other into friendzone. But he is like the best thing ever happened to you since the beginning of freshman year. You never met anyone who is so in-sync with you. You told him what you love and hate, and he told you about his previous crushes. You can talk to him literally about everything in this world, from silly sexual jokes to deepest secrets and fears. You never felt so vulnerable in front of anyone. Because, you never meet anyone who can bring your guard this far down, someone who can talks to, all night till dawn.

Eventually your heart felt a little different. A new feeling that born within. You don’t understand that feelings because you never felt that way before. Each day you long for his presence, feeling excited about your meeting with him. Somehow your heart pounds faster every time you see him. You smile like an idiot every time receives message from him. Your brain automatically releases endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine every time he touches you lightly (or by accident). He was your own brand of opiates. You get high from his mere presence. Somehow you started to yearn for his attentions and grace.

By the near end of that year’s spring semester, fear starts to creeps you, because you know you have to be apart from him for the whole summer. Suddenly, everything is so crystal clear to you.

“I think I like you more than I should.”

You felt in love. You confessed. You talked things out with him. But things didn’t fall into place. Although he had feelings for you, he didn’t fall that hard for you and you were not the only love to him. Besides, he is unsure about his sexuality makes him incapable to love anyone. Nonetheless, you still love him very much despite his flaws.

You were crushed. You spent your summer crying and dedicated most of your blog posts to him without his acknowledgements. For the whole fall semester, you tried to amend your friendship with him and rekindle your love relationship with him. But that didn’t happen. That only brought you yourself more frustration and tears, you started to question yourself why you confess at the first place, spoiling your perfect platonic relationship with him. At the end of fall semester 2013, you decided you spent too much energy on him and yearns for a new, fresh start.

After for almost eight months of struggles and relapses, you finally felt better about yourself. The memories of his no longer haunts you as you walk by the streets that you both used to roar. That zebra crossing where he used to hold your wrist so that you will cross the road safely. That lounge where you both always spend the time together, sharing ice-cream together in the cold chilly nights. Or your bed that he used to snuggle in. Eventually, everything starts to fade as your mind got used to them, they no longer haunt you.

And now, you found another boy. S, a cute guy who you always admire but never quite know him well. By chance, you get to spend some time with him. You felt happy every time you see him. But you never quite sure whether he is your rebound guy or you have moved on. This is the moment you felt so scare but yearn to be love, you start to question yourself.

“Do I want to fall in love again?”

And this is the moment I tried to convince myself not to fall in love again.

 

That guy who play the piano.

That guy who play the piano. I can feel the sadness in his piano. All the songs that he played, as if they were the stories.  The stories of his previous love. I don’t know and I can’t be sure, because I just assuming he plays them for someone. For that one person that he couldn’t be with. That one person that I will never know and cannot compete with. That one person who took his heart and breath away. And changed his life forever and made him who is he today. I spent almost 45 minutes looking at his back as he played.

wpid-IMG_20140219_211253.jpg

Afterwards, I can’t stop myself wanting to hug him from the back, telling everything is going to be alright. Well no that didn’t happen, although I want that so much but my ego and superego do not let me to. So I move closer to him, stand by the piano with my arms wrapping my head and placed on the piano top, admiring his renditions. I was studying his expressions and his fingers. I like them a lot. But I noticed there is some scars on his fist, as if he hit someone, leaving some red lines. I touched them lightly, to check them out.

He was mean. He was some sorta, I don’t know. He is mean with words when it comes to me. He said I am too manly, I should change my sex, I am a tomboy. That saddens me a bit. I tried to be feminine, while I don’t want to lose myself as a person, I don’t want to be someone who I am not. That is so vain of me if I ever did so. And I believe I am so much better off compared I used to be. Maybe he is indeed trying to friendzone me. I don’t know. Maybe.

The void.

I’ve been feeling, deliberating lately. I felt better. I felt free, there is no bad, heavy feelings that comes without notice. I love my recent self. I felt good. I don’t feel like missing D.

Today’s high table event, I was surprised to see D was way too early to be seated, very unlike him, just sitting right behind my assigned table. I got a bit lucky this time. I was assigned to sit with Kitty’s floor. Therefore, I kinda reserved the sit for him, because I don’t want to talk to anyone in my floor other than my bff KY. With my favorite persons in front of me, side way and back. When I thought it might be awkward for me as D was sitting right behind me, while with Kitty sitting in front of me, I felt absolutely fine and I totally forgotten about the existence of D. It was nothing. I felt nothing. As if we are the most familiar strangers. KY did occasionally turn and talk to D and we small chatted. He seems to notice too, that Kitty was sitting right in front of me. After the dinner, D left without saying goodbye and we spent the evening taking more silly pictures.

Kitty is a good one. He is darn cute and adorable and my bffs seem to like us together too. He tried to kneel down a bit just to take good pictures with me(because I’m too short) and I appreciate that. He was jokingly hold my hand and tried to kiss it as showing him as a gentleman. It was a  happy day. A good end. But I hope I am not trying to fill the void. Or as a mean of moving on. I have to be sure that Kitty is not the replacement of D or what-so-ever. He is a good one and I won’t let him go.