One year anniversary.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my blog! YAY. Hooray to that. Well, not really good to say this but hmm. Why I started this blog? Because of D. A year has passed. I skimmed through a few of my initial blogs, I felt as if they happened yesterday, while some of my feelings might be different today, it’s funny while wonderful to see how things changed in just one year.

Me and D. As I predicted, we lost it. Although I tried so hard to mend things. It’s not enough, apparently. If things turns around and begin again, will I take the same move? I probably will. Don’t give me the choices because I will do the same for him. It was the hardest part for me. We were right for each other, but it’s not the right time. It will never be the right time. It was the hardest part that I have to admit. 

Quiver.

The unread message that left unread since forever. Pop. Bummer. A little inaction that makes you quiver, shook, cringe a bit. When I thought I did it good, I did it all wrong. Burn, burn at the back of my head.

I pray.

To explain the dynamic of me, S and D will be pretty interesting. Well, at least it is very interesting in my opinion or maybe they are all just in my mind. The mix of familiarity and alienation. Strangely, I am trapped in such predicament. I told S about the story of me and D. I shown him the vulnerable part of me.

The pain has gone, long passed but the scars still remains. On occasions, we still meet each other. We’re the most familiar stranger. We still talk, we do but just not the same. Not the same. There is something different. There is an invisible boundary between us. I can always tell him how I felt. But it’s different for him. He has such ego in him. I accidentally step over the line by discovering his blog. That dark side of him, is never meant for anyone in this world. No one should read it. I did, and I still do. I never felt anything like this. After knowing his darkest side, I felt in love. That feeling is so strong that I think it’s unconditional. I love him both his good and bad side.I still love him. I still do. But I’m not in love anymore for sure. 

Telling S the story of D and me is a huge deal for me. After that few days, we didn’t talk about this anymore. He figured out who is that person I guess. S is a smartass. I won’t be surprise if he figured out. Today my bff told me he is indeed into someone. That someone I already long figured out, so I wasn’t that surprised, it just confirms my predictions and observations. One thing he said he won’t take any action. I felt relief for a bit. He said he is looking for someone who can accept as who he is. Not a bummer.

Yesterday night was a… I don’t know how to describe this. 5 of us, 2 gal bffs, S, D and me were studying in the lab together, sitting at one long table. It was… hmm. Funny. In that room, everyone knows I’m slightly into S. Meanwhile, S knows I was into D ( I never declared that person is D) and my gals have no idea what’s really going on (with the exception of knowing I’m into S currently). S was cute. We were joking and fooling around a bit. D was a bit tense. Exam-tensed as always. Especially in presence of others which he knows. His ego is weak and fragile. I can see he was in vain. But I can’t help to ease.

On the way walking back to our residence, it was weird, awkward with my two bff walking in front side by side, leaving me behind with them. I don’t know how to strike a conversation between them both. Because I just simply can’t find a commonality between them. One is my past. Another is the possible present. I can’t deal it well. Luckily my bffs noticed and spared me. Leaving me walking side by side with S only. We chatted all the way back to dorm. It was good. But I didn’t manage to look at D’s reaction. Or I simply don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore.

And with S, I don’t think we are going to be a couple or anything, but we’ll be good friend I guess. At least I hope so. I pray.

I still don’t get him.

To my dear readers, I’m sorry I’ve went incognito for this few days. I’ve been studying hard. Real hard for the whole reading week.

Recently, there is some changes between me and S. Some sorta change of dynamic. I think he realized I like him. He realized that those anonymous birthday gifts that he got for two consecutive years. Well, I guess I dropped my hints too obviously, he kinda figured it out(did I mention he is majoring in math and he is brilliant??) I pushed too far I guess. He did react badly. He didn’t talk to me when we met with friends. He don’t look at me or at least notice my mere existence in the room. As if he did that on purpose, as if he hated me.

As if things turned into dust.
I never quite get it after all, I never have any and I never will.

I don’t understand and it frustrates me. This continued for a week or so. I was puzzled. I did nothing wrong, or I did too much. I should have kept mum and low key about this. Maybe because of my sudden urge, or craziness or craving for love made me took the step. Nonetheless, it is too late to go back and undo what I’ve done and I don’t regret about it. Back to square one.

And this few days, I got the chance to study in lab and he was there too. He is better now. Better than last week. Back to normal. At least he’ll look at me or smile at me.

Till now, I still don’t get him. Agghh.

Solitude.

When solitude no longer bothers you, the contentment stems from how much I’ve changed and grow as a being.

It’s about perception, it’s about how you think and perceive about the surrounding and world.

It takes time to shape, and learn this.

When you found it, loneliness and solitude no longer bothers you.

And then, you’ll find happiness, something that everybody deserves.

The cold winter chilly night in mid-March on the way walking back home, shivers me up lightly.

I know I’ve grown up a bit.

I’ll love this child.

I don’t know how to say, react and feel about this. Yesterday night my elder brother confirmed that he is getting married. Short-gun style. I was puzzled at first when I heard it from him last Wednesday. Because I was too occupied with my assignments due next day. I told him call me back on Friday. And I got the situation cleared. He is going to be a daddy. My parents is going to be grandma and grandpa. My second brother is going to be the uncle. I’m going to be a 21years old aunt. I’m going to have a niece or nephew in just seven months. They told both sides of parents and decided to go on honeymoon marriage in May.

I felt weird out. I felt sad for no obvious and apparent reason. I felt like crying. Although the  person who is having a baby in her belly is not me. I felt lost. I felt like o just lost someone. I felt overwhelming emotional. I’m not my parents.  I’m not her girlfriend. I’m her little sister. Her one and only little sister. And I’m losing him already. I know that little baby is going to be so loved and cared for, as my parents they love kids. Especially my dad because I can see how he loves to play with the little ones. That reminds me how incapable of me, how I outgrown, leaving home to study in HK. Reminds me of once my dad wanted a baby girl so that she will actually spends time with my dad. I didn’t make fulfill the promise. I felt terrible about it. In fact, writing this down on my phone while crying in public is the last thing I thought I’ll do. And I did.
Nonetheless, I’ll love this child.

No one understands me.

Today, I felt like I lost everything again. My best friend, D, I felt more distant than ever. As if, I don’t know him so well at all. I bumped into him at the lobby, while I overheard he was going to find another female friend(which she said she don’t like her that much)  in the dorm.

It doesn’t matter anyway. It doesn’t. At least I’ll have to convince myself it doesn’t.

Before this, I was studying at the lab with my friends, including S. It was brief. But for sure, he treats me differently. As if he hates me or something. Or I did something terrible that he will just like to keep a safe distance from me. Yes. I know, sometimes I can be toxic, destructive, overly pessimistic. Nonetheless, I guess someone just changed his decisions. Cut me off.

I felt unfamiliar all over again. Strangers everywhere. I spent too much time, thinking, dreaming about things that won’t happen. And they got me.

It hurts me bad. No one understands me.

Trust.

Last Friday, it was my first ever solo performance in public of nearly 200 people, singing ‘Kantoi’ by Zee Avi with S as my guitarist <3. I was nervous, and right before the performance, S went incognito. I was freaked out, tried to search for him in the crowd. 1minutes before our turn, he was nowhere to be seen. I asked my bff called him right away and he was actually went outside for a moment and he made it back right before our show. It went well. But I was a bit upsets and I did as if I scolded him for walking away without telling me or anything. He seems agitated with my reactions and freak outs. He was quite lost why I was so angry and agitated and did lashed out at him. He tried to explain that he went outside for a moment to take some air and pick up the phone.

“Where did you go just now? I thought you just went away. No one knows how to play this song. I can’t play myself.”

Blatantly, he said ” You thought I’ll just walk away and leave you like this? Why can’t you believe me? You don’t trust me.” 

I was wrong. I was too nervous it overwhelmed me. So I did apologized to him. I know I can trust him. I need to have some faith.

After the performance when cleaning up the location, J, my previous ex little crush (no longer feel for him but we remains good friends) we were talking about his current crush, KT. I found out that during last fall semester. I was surprised but I wish them well, because they both are my friends. I was asking about his progress with him and KT. I realized he was weird. He stuttered as he said,

” what’s your reaction if I said yes? or no? “

He was looking for my reaction if he is letting go of KT or not. I was puzzled. He kept dropping hints.  At that moment I was scared that he’ll somehow confess to me in my face. Luckily he didn’t, because I don’t know what to say.