Another letter to my therapist.

Dear Heidi,

It’s me again. I didn’t sleep well after that email, but it did straighten my thoughts for a bit.  Guess what? Today, I went for a tarot cards reading. I got the news that Sunrise guy would be away again (now he’s in Malaysia) and I’m in Shanghai, going back to HK tomorrow and somehow, by the time he comes back to HK, I’ll be in Malaysia. We both would be in Malaysia for a day only. Somehow the timing is so awful, I can only be speechless.  I guess the earliest time I would see him gonna be in 3 weeks. I was slightly upset. Because I planned to talk to him when I go back to HK, tell him how I feel for the last couple of months. I was upset because things suddenly boil down to nothing and I felt that when things dragged so long, I can’t take this. So I had a spur of the moment, I went for tarot reading (it costs me 100rmb for 15 minutes, hole in my wallet), I felt like I need something to soothe my soul for a bit. I’m the sceptic type so no worries. But the readings were, somehow hit the points; pretty much what I expected and predicted. In short, the reading said outcome of me telling how I feel won’t be good, and if I must do, I should mentally prepare myself. It’s bleaky and I knew it.

I was alone later at night, on my way back to hostel, I messaged my mom and I asked her whether she heard about tarot stuffs and somehow my mom’s bff knew tarots and she figured I would be interested to have her helps me to do a tarot reading too. I think somewhere along the message I cried in public, for the first time in months. I don’t remember why I cried at the first place. I tried to hold myself back, but it was hard. And I was choking at the next moment. I was puzzled and it was really silly. I don’t like this keeps happening to me.



Letter to therapist.

Dear Heidi,

How are you doing, Heidi? I guess I’m writing this as to arrange my thoughts. This is my 21st days in Shanghai. I am officially bored, tired, and dreadful if not weary enough. My 22nd birthday was lonely, but I wasn’t intent to celebrate or tell anyone here anyway.  The city is boring, too big and polluted that I feel repugnant.  The bed is hard as hell, and I haven’t been sleeping well since I got here. I guess the weariness accumulates to this point, where I am hardly productive at my study (I go to the classes and participated actively, but I decided I don’t want to do the homework, as they won’t affect my grades in HKU anyway and be ‘outlaw’ for once XD, while I have difficulty to concentrate on my thesis proposal for my FYP at HKU) and every morning I felt as if I haven’t been slept at all.

I don’t like spending time with the friends I made here, so most of the time I spent by myself in school café, or I went on wander in the city by my own. Don’t get me wrong, I like being alone here, because I feel weary constantly spending time with a huge group of people. It felt energy draining and I really enjoy the solitude (I guess this is where I can feel my introversion is working). And given all of the time I have here, almost doing nothing, my mind starts wander, think, messing around with all the probable possibilities when I get back to Hong Kong. I start thinking of many enticing propositions. Like for instance, confess how I feel for him, Sunrise guy, when I get back to HK. I think this idea somehow stems from my own, as there was once I had a convo with a friend and she is struggling with a guy she likes. I told her without hesitation “you have nothing to lose”. I guess those words really left an imprint in my mind. Just what if I tell him how I feel, what’s the worst anyway?  And these thoughts really burn in the back of my mind since then. I can’t wait to leave Shanghai, and go back to HK. I even changed my original return ticket so I can get back earlier, because there is nothing much in Shanghai for me anyway. And those thoughts, include possible outcomes, how am I going to make the speech?, what would be his reactions toward my feelings?, how does he feel for me right now? etc.. They keep me awake, and even in my sleep, I can’t stop thinking. I literally worrying about the probable and the improbable future.  I guess overthinking and pessimism are in my vein, my strong suits.

I don’t know, I haven’t been stop thinking about Sunrise guy since I got here, and somehow the thought of D kinda vanished. The other day before I came to SH, I told D “I have been seeing someone” through skype. We didn’t talk more, because after that he sorta blatantly hanged-up because of bad reception. I guess the whole point of me telling him that is, I want to close that chapter. And I did. And I moved on.

I don’t know what’s going to happen after this email, but I do hope I can get some quality sleep tonight.

Confession (again).

This time, Sunrise guy. I am compelled to confess to him.

And if I have to say to him right now, this will be it.

Once you said, I’m quite hard to catch. But to be honest, I never quite get what are you thinking either. And for the last couple of weeks, it has been really awful for me because I can’t stop thinking about you. I like you, more than I thought. And I thought you should know.  And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have say that. I need to go. 

I like him more than I originally planned.

At this moment, my head is throbbing, slightly spinning. I think it could be caffeine overload. I had two glasses of bad ice coffee today and I swear they are poisonous-taste-wise. And I had just witnessed the barista in the house steamed the milk by literally putting the gun into the cold milk and put it there. She didn’t even make an effort to make smaller bubbles or move the metal container. GEEZ. FK THIS SHIT.

And I think I’m down to something again. I didn’t sleep well last night. Or the last couple of nights. Or so far, since I’m here in Shanghai. The bed is hard as hell, less than 3cm-thick. We don’have the luxury of privacy in common shower room. For almost 17 days, I’ve been feeling just fine, I have endured terrible birthday (I kept it secret from people around me) and miscommunication (I don’t feel upset about it, just mild annoyance, I’ve grown to love my solitude.

But today is particularly bad. Yesterday’s lengthy bus ride (we went to Hangzhou and it was disaster, with bad traffics and pollution) gave me plenty of time to think. The other day I was giving a friend some advice, and I told her “You got nothing to lose.” My own words struck me. It bugged me. Somehow I had this thought of telling him how I feel. At this point, I’m contemplating to fly back earlier than I should, as I find no reasons to stay in Shanghai any longer (it’s pricier than I thought to spend my time here and I don’t find anything that is really appealing to me- mediocre coffee culture here).  One of the reasons I came to Shanghai is to move myself away from him. It’s like a testament of how I actually feel for him. I didn’t message him or talk to him much for the days I’m here. But there is never a day I don’t miss him. I guess I like him more than I originally planned.

22nd years old birthday: Can’t get any worse.

So I’m currently at Shanghai, on a summer school program at the Jiao Tong University. Yeah right you heard me, a Social science student at a engineering school studying modern ethics. Nothing can be more ironic than this.

On my birthday, we had this welcome tour to Shanghai city, so I went around the city but it was really bad. A bad day actually. I went through hell of having people in different channel, mingling and talking with people I don’t know, met plenty of acquaintances and I barely care. I tried to keep my facebook clean so nobody would actually knows about my birthday. And on the other hand, I don’t really want to celebrate birthday with strangers.

Then later next day, I tried to reach out to sunrise guy, because of all the emotions. I need someone to talk to. So I messaged him about so far my experience in Shanghai and my terrible birthday. He forgotten, it seems. But he did say that he’ll make it up to me and see whether he could find something interesting in US, which really makes my heart melts a little ❤

Leaving Hong Kong.

Leaving Hong Kong. Ha. Like always. I never spend my birthday in Hong Kong and two days before my birthday I’m taking an early flight tomorrow morning to Shanghai for a month of summer school. So again, I’m spending my 22nd birthday alone in a foreign land. A very weird tradition, but yeah. And I’m gonna miss him coming back to Hong Kong (ie, on my birthday) and the next time I’m coming back to see him, it would be a month later. Oh god. What a long dry spell.