“Are you happy?”

“Are you happy?”

“Are you happy?”

Words got out of my lips unexpectedly, I don’t know where they came from. I recalled that moment vividly, we were sitting by poolside on a swing. I never expect a simple question would broke her down into tears. It was one of the difficult moments in her life. That was months ago. Still, that moment sometimes burns in the back of my mind. It still bugs me.

“What is happiness?”

A child doesn’t knows the word happiness before they can speak, yet it seems they are very familiar with it. It is a state of mind, an emotion that comes with certain physiological sensations. They learn to associate the word happy with the Duchene smile on their faces. But to them, happiness is simple, happiness could be anything.

As we grow up, life complicates. A friend once said that, happiness does not matter at all because to him being happy is not good enough. I beg it differ.

A friend said that happiness is when she sees her parents are happy, when her dad cooks her favorite dishes. Happiness could be from a bite of tasty pastry, a sip of perfectly brewed flat white or a smile from your favorite person. Another friend mentioned that happiness is sex on top of love. Happiness is at the end of the day, you can go home knowing someone you love will be waiting for you. Meanwhile, some said happiness is when doing things which are fulfilling.

Happiness could be very simple, yet we somehow forgot how to be happy in our life.

“Are you happy?”

It wasn’t just a question that I asked my friend. It’s a question for you and me. What makes you happy?

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Keeping myself calm.

Breathe in, breathe out, I need to keep calm.

It takes up so much of my control and patience. I need to take baby steps like my therapist (and everybody else) asks me to. But it seems like he took it way persistently. He has been, very unresponsive lately- I mean the level of D ignoring me. We’re not even at the post-confession yet. This is bad. Real bad. Not ideal at all. But then again, I suspect that he might not let go of his ex yet. Just a wild guess, an instinctual guess.

Clean slate.

Just now, I called D, after for more than a month. I didn’t thought of him for quite some time. The thoughts of him haven’t been bugging me, which is a good thing. Perhaps someone else took over his place. We catch up a little, it seems like he may or may not come back for the summer, depending on whether he got the job for the summer. He could be back for Christmas tho.

The signals were bad and our convo were really messy and with bunch of ‘hello’,’can you hear me?’. We chatted like usual but somewhere along the line he felt that we haven’t talk for so long. And towards the end, I said,

“Yeah. A lot of things happened. I got very good grade at my internship. And I’m seeing someone. “

“……*background noise and statics.* I need to get off the next station. I’mm going out of line soon.”

“Okay next time then….”

It was weird, how this whole thing ended. But it’s okay. I need to cut this loose, I need this closure. I need a clean slate.

I need to walk away.

I had a breakdown yesterday midnight amidst the convo with slim bitch. We were talking about how we both wanting to be loved. She touched my nerves. I broke down and cried. I had my moments of doubt and having someone there is convincing, it’s comforting. It feels good to have someone, knowing someone will be there telling you you’re alright and you’re worthy of loving. Those moments when you barely alive, too stressed out, when your mood at the bottom of the rut.

I still yearn, yearn to be touched, cared and loved no matter what. That is just something as human, we do. It makes me flourish and giving me so much pain.

This is the part where I walk away. I need to walk away from him (sunrise guy), I need to make myself walk away from this so I don’t get burnt again. In deep down, I can feel that this is not working and this is not healthy for me and him. I don’t want to get invested so deep that I can’t pull myself back again.

I have done it a couple of times and it ruined me bad, left me scarred, still ache sometimes.

I want to love myself more. I need to be more selfish.

“They are almost the same.”

So what happened is my bff, YL came back and we three of us had dinner. It was all chatty and fun, catching up. Somewhere along the conversation was that they both feel that the guys from my past love/relationship/crush history have some commonalities. They gave them the same vibe but I am very much disagree with them. I simply can’t think of any commonalities between D, Miaomiao and Sunrise guy. They are so different. I simply don’t get it.

Emotional breakdown.

Last night was a really long day. Went for training at a behavioral center in the morning and the hotline at night and I’m having my period on the first day. Believe me, it was a recipe for disaster. And the next day (ie, today), I have a test in the morning, which I believed I scored badly.

For the first time, I manned the whole 3-hours long session for the suicide hotline by myself with my buddy at my back. It was a rough, rough day. I had 10 callers in total, 2 sex (one male one female) callers and some real distress and depressed callers. Heavy stuffs, believe me. Especially the last one, the way he talks really hit home. The part where midnight is the most peaceful time of the day although he hates to be insomniac. Really resonates with me. It really sank me down a bit.

So I tried to reach out to the Sunrise guy, called him to talk about this.  At first he was completely puzzled about the whole point of me calling him. He thought that I think he is suicidal and shits. After some juggles he understood my predicaments. I was upset about the calls. It was some heavy stuffs and I realized I might have picked them up. I just need some place to catharsis. And I thought of him. I thought it was a good idea, but he was all weird and thought I was joking and shits. It made me upset a bit. I swear I did screamed ‘shut up’ at him a few times. I was agitated and I went speechless a couple times.

He was afraid of me being silent, I was thinking actually, processing. Because things have been overwhelming to me. So when I was in silence, he asked whether I was crying. That actually made me cry. He said where were I so he can come and talk to me, but I insisted he stay back don’t come because it was all unnecessary, he needs to pack his bag and go home the next day. I was glad he said that. Made my heart melts a little and that really comforting.

“I know it is not okay to you.”

I think it’s a huge step, for him to leap or anything. He never really say no to me, but when I ask him again about going out somewhere with me today he got a bit hesitated and said that he wasn’t in the mood to do so. It’s good for him actually.

“It’s okay.”

“I know it is not okay to you.”

“It’s fine it’s fine. Are you feeling bad mood?”

“A bit, just a bit.”

I tried to cheer him out, so I offered myself to buy him some dessert and come over to his place. He said that

“Why? tell me.”

Message sent but no sign of reply even after 5 minutes. I thought he was in some sorta trouble so I nudged him a little, and ask him how he feels about it. It was actually his paper stuffs some technical problems that he has to deal with.

I think he knew that I’m not in a good mood, he can tell from my most recent public blog. I didn’t sleep well and I slept like less than 6 hours. PMS has been hitting me hard, headaches and hot and cold flushes. These couple of days our plan were ruined it worries me. Because our time is up and it really cooks up my nerves.

I adore him. I care. Maybe a bit, a bit too much. I just hate how much I feel about people, him especially. It just makes me want to curl up in the corner and cry about it.

Get burnt again.

You’re thinking and I’m not breathing.
You see so much in me and I’m hardly believing.
You’re convinced of things I don’t think I’m.
You’re so much more even you might not see it.
You’re the one who are so much that I hardly comprehend and fathom even I tried while you said I am the one is hard to catch.

Even so, your soul is lovely and your heart is gold, most beautiful I have ever met.

Even so, I’m crippled by my own fears, thoughts.

You’re the good in my life but my worst fear too.

I’m afraid I let you come too close I’ll get burnt again.

Cycling trip with Sunrise guy, and what comes next?

Yesterday was a good day, went for a cycling trip with the sunrise guy at Nam Sang Wai, Yuen Long. It went well and he is absolutely adorable. We realized he is synæsthesic and he is so fucking smart and I can tell. I’m just scared he would think I’m the stupid one.  He is real sweet though. I rode the bike pretty silly and he called that cute. He made me blush. I realized he has a pretty huge palm and mine is like a dwarf compared to his. He said that is cute. I’m utterly speechless. He seems like he could easily melt my heart away with his sweet talks.

But he’ll be gone soon, next Monday and it is unsettling. It means that the next time I’m seeing him, it would be in 2 months time and I’m not too sure what to expect and do about it.

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How I’ve been feeling lately.

Complicated. Conflicted.

This guy, sunrise guy, we’ve been sorta dating, I haven’t been seeing him since last Thursday dinner as our plans have been ruined repetitively over the weekends. I’ve to admit, I do miss him a bit. I do. I really do. I’m feeling a bit lusty and I admit want to be showered with attention. I yearn to be loved. I want to be cared. I thirst for someone. He triggers my yearns to dependent on someone, hoping that he could takes away my existential loneliness. The yearning to be with someone really growing again, and this is bad. This is scary. I think it’s almost a transference. This is unhealthy and I hate myself for it. I need to get my shits together. I don’t want to make the same mistake (with D, I was in rut for more than a year) again with this guy.

It really makes me sad and feeling pathetic with myself. It makes me thinking whether I’m worthy of being loved. I don’t think this is healthy at all. It could put my self-confidence into rut and now, I don’t want to get it even lower. It’s so painful and insufferable.