I’ve been thinking. I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m filled with all the emotions that I don’t think I should have or deserve. I love him. I really do. But the thing is unrequited. And it is draining me, tearing me away piece by piece. I don’t like the sad me. I don’t want to feel upset about things and people that wants nothing to do with me. I’m feeling unwanted. Disposable. I feeling lesser of a ‘me’. I’m losing myself in him. It is unhealthy. D has nothing that I want. Things that I need he can’t give it to me. There is no promises at the beginning. There won’t be anything good at the end. Maybe love don’t have expiration date. But one year has passed, I don’t think I can wait much longer when it is long due. I’m feeling too weak, feeling sick in my tummy and mouth. And I’m wasting all my young years for things that maybe it’s not worth it at all. Maybe I’m just chasing my own illusions and dreams that will never realize.
I go down my own spiral to the limbo. I was crying while playing All I want by Kodaline. Tears streamed down my face.
I cried. Again and again at different places on the same day for the same reason. In my room 3 times, in the shower once, at school almost. The realization, reality kicks in. Feeling lost. Very very lost. Feeling empty. I can feel the void and the cold turkey in me. D finally finished his exams yesterday but he promised he’ll see me tomorrow. I haven’t seen him since forever. Almost a month. But it’s already 30th of May tomorrow. Why time has to go so fast I don’t have the time to linger around for just a little while longer beside him…..He said he is free on 2nd and 30th only. And I’m leaving the dorm for real on 2nd.
What am I going to do after that? I can’t hold on anything. My memory is so fragile although they are always on repeat and they don’t do the same as his mere presence do. And all these days, I was trying to grasp on whatever I could. I tried to message him, I tried to stalk him, wander what and how he’s doing.
How is he feeling for me? I don’t know. After for so long I still feel the same for him. Why? What can I do about it? All I did is cry.
Alone, I’m feeling deprived and unmotivated. My room looks like a hobo or a hoarder’s home. I’m moving, and I am reluctant to move. Arrrghh. I don’t want to move. And the images of me and him wrapping up stuffs and move out of dorm haunts me. It makes me shiver and burns at the back of my head. I still have 9 days left in the dorm or 4 days till I meet D.
With my backpack and a small suitcase, I walked 15 minutes to my new place from my dorm. I walked way too fast so fast because it was almost dreadful. That street reminds me of a lot of things. And I was walking away from my home of two years in Hong Kong. A place that me and D shared so much together. I was so upset and sad that if I don’t control myself I will cry like a baby or a teenage girl who just got kicked out of her house and wanders at the street in crowd. It is hard for me. It is hard for me to just knowing things is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it. And now I’m crying like a baby. Worst than a baby. An ugly baby.
This morning I saw my bff, C posted something on his bf’s(Kitty–okay I’m gonna stop call him that. He is now S) facebook wall . 12 signs you’re dating a man, not a boy.
They are great…..I mean seriously, S is a great guy that you can call him a man. He is qualified of that. But funny thing is, I think D saw it. And he posted,
“one day when I am a man and no longer a boy”
Yup. He definitely saw that post and posted this as return. Funny. Because he is indeed no man but a boy. But cut some slacks. He is 2 years old younger than S and TBH he has changed and grown up much compared to last year. And I freaked out a little when he posted that status. And I freaked out twice as he posted another one.
“many days fell away with nothing to show”
Part of lyrics from Bastille’s Pompeii. Or maybe not. I’m not entirely sure. I’m not too sure what he is talking about. His study? His achievement? I don’t know. It just mess me up more.
Any good samaritans help me out? Please leave me a message.
Silly as it sounds, I miss D and I acted on my impulse. I sent him a midnight text with just
“i miss u”
I don’t remember the last time I saw him. It felt like forever. I need him. I need him bad. Maybe it was just me acting out like a slut who is ovulating. I need him like a cocaine to me. It was a dumb message. I quickly regret about it soon I sent it. But he did replied it next day afternoon.
” im not sure how to respond to that :’D
by modest estimate we will next meet after exams when i come see you new apartment“
That little girl inside me. I am both excited and frustrated at the same time. It drives me crazy. Pushing me towards insanity. I’m leaving. He is leaving too. I don’t have time. And his exams is till 28th May and I have no rights to bother him right now. He needed the space and time and his clear mind. And I have no idea when am I gonna see him again. I’m not too sure and it’s killing me. It felt like peeling my skins with a grater. I need him. Bad.
And I’m not even sure what is his reaction. Is that sorta ‘LOL’ expression he sent me? Argggh.
There is no promises to keep because there ain’t any promises at the beginning.
You stray so far yet so close to my heart.
I hear you calling my name yet you’re not here.
Because when you’re far I don’t know who am I.
When the rain falls on my skin, I can’t tell which is my tears.
Because when I feeling numb, my heart is crumbling.
When you’re not around, I want to hold you close.
I dreamed of your fingers tracing my skin and cheek.
I dreamed of your grace surrounding me.
I dreamed of you kissing my pain away.
It’s been a long time since the last time I see you.
It felt like having a very long long dry spell.
You’re not around but you’re always in my mind.
I don’t want to be alone.
Leaving myself alone is a bad bad choice.
Leaving my mind hollow will crumble me, drench my soul.
My choice of keeping you in my mind, is the only thing that keeps me alive.
I’m feeling frustrated. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what to do about it, all what to do about us. I wish i have the solution to this. I’m feeling dumb. Stupid. Because he ignores me since yesterday after party. Partly, I think it’s because i know he’s been really busy but ignoring my messages it’s not responsible. I hate it when he does that. It makes me felt like a shit. Like a nothingness. As if I don’t exists. It bruises my ego and heart. Leaving me feeling bad about myself. I felt terrible about myself. Sometimes I blame myself for looking for him.
Feeling pissed all day, I went out with a guy friend of mine whom I treat him like a cousin brother which is five years old older than me. I need to talk things out and I told him my story. He was kind enough to share his current love conundrum and past experiences. It was great to hear some advice and new perspectives to my love conundrum. He is supportive of me telling D how I felt. I felt delighted. At least I know someone is supporting me on this.
“How you feel for him, that’s called love. The things that you do for love, sometimes it doesn’t have to be make sense. I know you love him very much from how you take care of him, think for him, care for him, shower him with your kindness and patient. And you still love him after so long and knowing so much about him and after all you’ve been through. I think he is special to you. If so, don’t let go. No one it’s perfect. But when you felt in love with someone’s flaw, that’s everything. It’s true love.”
I know. Day 2, D still didn’t replying my messages. I know I know he is busy. *cousin brother pointed out(praised) D is a serious working man). But my patient and sanity have it’s limitations. And my heart hurts a bit.