Overcoming Loneliness.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201401/overcoming-loneliness?tr=HomeEssentials

http://elitedaily.com/life/how-to-survive-the-moment-being-alone-becomes-lonely/

Feeling lonely is irrevocable and unavoidable, especially when you’re in the university. I find this two articles particularly helpful, clearly describe my predicaments.

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Tears and laughter.

I insisted D to come over just to pick up his present yesterday because it can’t wait. I’m going home the next day and I won’t be around for his birthday. I bought him Jenny bakery cookies. We small chatted a bit, shared bits of our life. I ranted my last semester results, he ranted his.

He is now more conscious of what he must do and must not. He is more willing to let go of unnecessary stuffs in his life. His results are bad enough, he might want take an extra semester to cover it.

He said I looked pain.

“What? No…. what why my face is perfectly normal.”

Yes of course I looked pain. I was sad, feeling empathetic with him. Feeling as if my heart just got slashed and ripped apart when he is sad. I just can’t bear knowing that he is in such a devastating state.

I said he looked as if he just cried. Because when he was explaining, I saw the corner of his eyes gleaming. As if he tried to hold his tears. He insisted that he was just tired and said he was in hurry and  he left. Leaving me alone, left unanswered.

All left with me was the empty room, with the song ‘Say Something’ by a great world and Christina aguilera from my laptop. I cried to that song. It was tears of pain and relieve. My heart felt pain for him. I miss him too much.

After the choir practice, random idea shook me, I was left with a few apples to spare and I need to give out asap. I thought of Kitty. Surely he wants them and I thought he’ll loved to have some cookies too and I loved to have some chat and accompany. So with a small wish I went to his room, wishing he’ll let me stay and chat a bit.

And he did, somehow let me stay, and we talked more this time, for almost 3 hours, till 2am. We gossiped a bit and I managed to dig out his ex story. Frankly I’m pretty surprised he wasn’t in a real relationship in past 5years. He is A1. I’m still sceptic, as he might just kept mum about his most recent love story. But I am glad he pretty open and comfortable talking to me about this . However, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to talk to him about D yet. No, I’m not. I still feeling weird about all this. Because the last time I talked to D about J. This seems like a little déjà vu to me. Nonetheless, his affectionate smile and laughter makes my heart felt slightly better. Although just a bit.

And I’m not entirely sure what am I doing and why am I doing this. Am I trying to cope with post-D syndromes? With Kitty? Or he is just another replacement? I don’t know. I must figure out before it’s too late.

I’m afraid.

Yesterday night was good. I made my effort to insist to go to Kitty’s room, so to make sure he received my birthday gift( secret Bday gift- me as a secret admirer of his), and yes he did. He placed the yellow post it note on his white board. That makes it 2 of them. :3 I was so happy he did received it because I worried someone else might just took them and eat them.

We practiced for 2 hours plus. He’s adorable. But we didn’t talk much. More of him playing my guitar, talk shits, joking and bad puns. Nothing serious exchanged. He loves to joke. I laughed at them. And I find myself laughed too much in a day, my face and jaw kinda felt a bit sore.

He makes me very happy. I felt happy and warm when I thought of him, I found his smile is affectionate. I can just stare at him and smile. But we never talk, like talk, real talk, deep conversation talk. And I don’t know how and where to start with, if I really want to do this.

Because I’m afraid. If I ever let anyone go in, I’ll get hurt again. Or maybe I’m just not ready for this. 

I don’t know what’s going on.

I’ve just saw a new post by D. He hasn’t been update for so long, almost 2 months. This time just simply weird and I don’t really understand. Or maybe it’s not relevant to me at all.

IF
I’m sorry for
Blaming you
For everything
That I couldn’t do
Now I’ve hurt myself
Hurting you

If I could have just one more day
And I will swallow my pride

It’s posted on 21/1/14. I don’t recall I contact him or anything. The last time I try to message him it’s 19/1/14. I am so lost. I don’t know what is going on and I don’t know what to do. That particular blog is a private blog that only me knows the existence of it (if he didn’t tell anyone or anybody else found it). So I will assume that message is for me. I can’t help myself, I can’t control my tears.

Just don’t do silly things

Recently I’ve been spending more time with Kitty, very much in unexpected ways. I’m now collaborating with him, singing a song Kantoi by Zee Avi for an upcoming event- Cultural Night in my university somewhere next month. It was quite a surprise he agreed to play the guitar to complement me. And things go well, I am excited. We’ll be spending some time together alone, practicing.

Yesterday, he joined us for supper. Which wasn’t my idea, my friend did. Which is weird. Because we never do this. We chatted and laughed, and touched water here and there. But I can’t still understand him well, because we never talk into deeper conversations. He always jokes and talk nonchalantly. I can’t seems to understand him.

Today he joined us for dinner/meeting (I didn’t ask him too this time) for the decoration part of the cultural event. He suddenly turned into one of us. Which is also great, because I will be spending more time with him.

 

Great. Weird. I don’t know how to say this, or feel about this or how to approach him. I guess I’ll just listen to my bff. Don’t try to fall for him if you know you both are not gonna work or don’t click. Don’t do pity love. That just one terrible thing if you do. Don’t take him as a rebound guy. Both will get hurt if you do. Just don’t do silly things.    

 

How You Forget You’re Worth Loving

“And that’s how people who don’t think they’re worth anything – who have been made to feel worthless by people they love – end up either alone, or emotionally dependent on the very people who make them feel like they don’t deserve more. When you believe you’re not worth loving, and someone tries to care about you in a healthy, real way, you either think they’re pathetic and would love anyone, or you think they’re full of shit. That’s how, once your opinion of yourself has been taken low enough for long enough, you start rejecting the people who could actually love you in the correct way. You push away the people who could potentially, slowly start helping you remember how truly valuable you are.

Maybe this is how things get better. Perhaps now that the wound has been uncovered and identified, it can be repaired, and maybe where there currently exists raw, infected tissue, healing will happen and only a scar will remain. I hear scar tissue is stronger anyway.”

Thought Catalog

A few weeks ago, I met a man. He was nice in a way that gives considerable depth to the word “nice”. We had a million things in common, and found an easy way with each other immediately. He had a fulfilling job doing work he loved, lived nearby, and had ended a serious relationship long enough ago to be in just the right place to start a new one. There was chemistry. We talked, and exchanged contact information, which he availed himself of after a respectable few days. He wanted to meet for coffee, which I found a reason to decline; I was busy, or working, or something.

Within days, I quickly found myself rejecting his calls, and neglecting to reply to his texts and emails until I forgot to respond at all. As he showed himself to be open and pleasant and not playing games or pretending to…

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17 Things That No One Should Settle For

Thought Catalog

By definition, settling just means to be secure and steady. It’s not an inherently bad thing. Stability is important– but not indefinitely so. It’s the place from which comfortable things come, but not the wild, passionate or unexpected. Once in a while you have to reach hard in the direction of allowing yourself to be better than you once conceived you could be. Settling is easy. Settling is convenient. But it doesn’t leave room for unbridled possibility. It gives you what you ask for: safety, routine, normalcy. But when it comes to the things that really do matter, that usually isn’t enough.

1. Being someone’s option if they are your priority.

2. Doing anything because you assume that you couldn’t do or find better. Nothing extraordinary ever seems initially, inherently feasible.

3. Remaining in the limbo between risk and fear: most times, all that you have to lose is false hope…

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Say Something.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere I would’ve followed you. Oh-oh-oh-oh
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Say something…

 I love you so much.

My restless heart anticipating new semester.

It’s a new semester again! Year 2 Semester 2. This is unsettling. I am slightly worried. I’m not prepare for this, mentally or physically. I want to update a bit here.

I don’t know what’s going on with my future career or prospect. My last semester results is not out yet, maybe 2 more days. I bet it won’t be good. I blew my choir audition and internship interview last Friday. I wasn’t even sure I’m getting back into the choir team. The internship I’m sure I’m not getting one because  I wasn’t the right match at all. At that moment I was actually confused by the lecturer, wondering why I want to be a clinical psychologist at all, while I’m applying for perception, attention and learning psychology internship. I am sincerely puzzled. At that moment my brain was fucked up and my feelings are now all messed up.  One thing for sure, I don’t have much time to do this self-discovery thingy. I must figure things out, like ASAP.

My social life. It’s doing, funnily. I don’t get the chance to talk to my muse. I don’t even know what can I do to patch things up, between me and D. I got ‘tired’ a bit. I dreaded myself too much in this unrequited platonic love. I can’t afford to love another. His existence clouded my judgments and vision. I am looking around, looking for other potential targets. While my effort has been mostly, fruitless because I see no potentials at all, given that me and Kitty are no way gonna work. I don’t know how my mom’s premonition from my astrology gonna ever work. She predicted the love of my life gonna be here by February 2014. She said this since last year’s February. Well, I guess we’ll see whether she got this true or not very soon.

Like this song, I have restless heart. Calm my soul my dear. I am in fear of the uncertainty, the unknown. I felt utterly helpless and hopeless. Lend me a hand, sing me a lullaby. Will you help me get through this?

Well there’s a river that runs through Glasgow
And makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks
And her current just like my blood flows
Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart

Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde

Well on one side all the lights glow
And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts
On the other side where no cars go
Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart

Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde

Well the sun sets late in Glasgow
And the daylight and the city part
And I think of you in Glasgow
Cos you’re all that’s safe, you’re all that’s warm in my restless heart

 

Muse

My muse, D, what happened to you?

Thoughts of Broken Dreams

When your muse has become your loss of inspiration,
When the solid ground beneath your feet has shifted into one thousand separate stones,
How do you bring your aching heart into understanding?
When the mountains are no longer struggles to easily climb,
When the sun has become a blinding reminder of everything you have lost,
Where are you supposed to turn?
When your words have lost their beauty,
When your only known passion no longer satisfies,
Where do you find hope?

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