So… the story continues. I met the sunrise guy for Thai food dinner again (his fav, apparently his family used to own a Thai restaurant) and I suggested that we should go for a hike to the Victoria Peak from his hall (hostel). He seems to be cool with it and I snuck in and tried to wait till pre-dawn and leave from there to hike to see the sunrise. But things got bad, I got caught (as his hall is an all male hall) and I was kicked out. So I suggested that we go from my place, and yes he ended up came to my place and we hanged out (and watched a movie) and we took a nap (an hour or so, and separate beds if you were thinking something dirty) before we leave at 3.45am. And yeah. We literally spent 12 hours together and we managed to see half of the sunrise at the peak as the weather was bad. We had our breakfasts together at the McD nearby my house (at the exact spot I had with D before) before we went separate ways home.
Okay I think I have omitted out all of my feelings from the whole stories.
He has been nice and good and caring and a good listener (so far the best) and very much agreeable with me (not too sure he is such a person or just fake out that) and I realize we have a lot in common, both thinking and experience. But I am scared. He is being really nice to me that he sometimes compliments me that makes me feeling blushed and I’m not the prettiest gal that gets compliments on the daily basis. He did makes me feel special in his eyes and I am terrified of that. That’s why I’m not too sure about all these. I am very much confused about all these.
So today (29 May) is the pancake day at my place. Sunrise guy promised to make banana pancakes for me but ended up I made the best looking pancakes and he seems enjoyed it. And somewhere along the line he said that I’m a nice person. Twice. He said that I’m a person with good personality. I went blank and gave him a shy smile. I’m not good at this.
So… recently, I’ve been chatty with the sunrise guy and he has been real nice to me. I mean he traveled from his hostel to the school just to get me a cup of coffee because I said I needed one. He has been really kind too, as yesterday he came by and met me at the McD just around the corner from his hostel in the middle of the night just so that we could talk face to face about my crushes stories (and of course, the main character of the stories was D). He thought I was crying when I thought about D (as I took so long to type out given, the story is so fucked up and complicated), but I didn’t. I just don’t know how much I should tell him about D. And he was really flirty and sending mixed signals to me. And I think I am pretty fucked up or I should say the thought of him kept intruding my mind and this is not entirely healthy. At some point he was tempting me to have a relationship because of wanting to have a relationship but not because of the person that you love dearly. It really against my own principles and I have conflicting feelings about it. At the same time, I never been treated well before and at times his kind gestures really touched me and it really makes me wanna cry. But well, it could turn into a bad obsession or a new problem. However, I guess I can never be sure.
I’m terrible. I’m not good at dating shits. So what happened is that yesterday, I went out with a guy, I’ll just nicknamed him ‘The Sunrise Guy’ ( a little joke I shared with my therapist ). So it was the second meeting after the dinner at a Taiwan place, just two of us. And yesterday was dinner and movie night. The orginal plan was going to watch sunrise, but bad weather so we went to watch movie instead and I was really stressed out recently and it was good. He is that kind of guy which is really nice, and I can say he is a sensitive type of person that actually emphatize people.
But I don’t know. I really don’t know how he feels about me. Meantime I think I’m just really emotionally needy. I feel like I want people to care about me, and when I found someone who did care, I just went crazy, emotionally of course.
It has been slightly weird with me.
I am no good to be alone, I will start crying whenever I’m alone. But I yearn to be alone because no one understands how I feel. There is no one could pour my heart out for, and I find myself in rut whenever I’m alone.
But I start grow fond of the rut of my own, my dark side, because this is the place I get comfortable with my own, no one is here except me.
Because I know myself better. No one can love you more than yourself. It can never be enough.
Sounds pessimistic but that is true. I came into this realization that I need no more love than my own. I need to love myself more than others.
This is probably the saddest realization, epiphany.
I think I’m down to the rut. I don’t want to do anything. My motivation gone slippery slimy slope into the drain. Nothing really interests me. I have to wrap up a huge project and I have no idea where or how to start with. I sleep like 10-12hours a day but still feeling tired after awake. I know my sleeping hasn’t been good lately. Weird dreams, insomnia, restlessness, you name it.
And D hasn’t call me as he promised since 8th of May. I’m dreaded, but feeling conflicted. I want his comfort but I’m trying to stretch my limit. I want to be loved but I want to learn to let him go. I want to do better than this. Fighting myself. Fighting with my own mind and heart.
I don’t know how much more this weary heart could take.
Upset, upset. Upset that I’m not good enough. I want to be better. I’m just bend and broken.
I didn’t got my summer internship that I really want from Malaysia. But my mom’s friend asked me to be a temporary teaching assistant at a Waldolf school and she seems eager to have me back to attend a 7-day Art Therapy workshop in August.
I don’t know. I’m split between choices. Should I give up my summer school and go back?
I don’t like making decisions. I think I need to sleep on it. Give it a day. I need to talk to D about it. I am super anxious about going back tho. Sometimes the feeling gets into me that’s suffocating. I’m barely breathing.
I want to be comforted. I want to be loved. This is my cry for help.