I love when you look at me, look into my eyes. I love to stare at your face. I can do this all day. Sometimes, we can just look at each other, look into each other’s eyes. Speak no words. Just cherish the moment. Sometimes our eye contact get too long, more than usual, probably more than 5 seconds. But that’s what I want to do. Just stare. Admire the way you look at me. Admire how beautiful you are.
I get crazy, sometimes. I know that. Like once I almost shed my tears in front of you. That is one of my darkest moments. I saw you shocked and don’t know what to do. Standing there, like a lost sheep. Probably wanted to run out of the room. I hold my tears back. Tried not to cry. I afraid I scared you. The way you reacted, fears I saw in you. You couldn’t take it. Momentary depressed me. Yeah. You are still young. I understand you scared of girls crying. That’s what I do. Sometimes be strong and perky for too long, I wanted to shed my shield, bring my guard down. I see you couldn’t take it. It’s fine. All I need you to do is hold me saying,”It’s okay. It will be fine.”
I know, you wanted to say to me. But you’re just too scared. I understand how we tried to communicate and speaks our hearts through musics. Like the song, ‘Little Talks’ by Of Monsters & Men that you sent me:
I hope you I don’t like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear
The stairs creak as I sleep, it’s keeping me awake
It’s the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I can’t even dress myself
It’s killing me to see you this way
Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore
Hey! Hey! Hey!
There’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will all be over, and buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young
And full of life and full of love
Some days I don’t know if I am wrong or right.
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear
I know that sometimes, when words spoke will change everything. But I think, you have your reasons, not to speak. A very good one. Until you cleared your mind. It is best to keep it this way. This is the best that we both can do. Although, it might be hurtful. But, it is the only way to keep everything normal and happy. Knowing that you are so confused, sometimes I wanted to say,” tell me what you thinking.” and hope you will tell the truth. I know you can’t. You probably wanted to but god forbids. Maybe because I’m not ready too. I don’t know what I to do if even you made up your mind.
3.28am. Here again. It’s not that I’m not tired, but it is what I need to spill out.
Like butterfly. Will we be like them? I don’t want this to be just a season thing. I don’t want us to be just a temporary feeling. It will kill me. I don’t have anyone here. Away from my home, you make this place my ‘home’.
Here we go again. Oh well.I think this might be an occasional thing that I felt like the need to say out loud but I couldn’t. Things that still linger in my mind.
I think it’s been sometime, I don’t feel the joy and happiness when I did something that used to make me really happy. The feeling of happy, somehow diminishes. Things that used to be exciting, doesn’t stay that way. I guess I really have the tendency to search for drives.
We talked. Again. Till 5 something morning. The lack of feeling joy, or feeling nothing,emptiness scares me. I told him. I couldn’t feel happiness. I am indeed pathetic.
My feelings for him,it is somehow very different compare to other crushes that I used to have. I felt no nervousness beside him. I felt really comfortable around him. But I simply don’t have those crazy flutter butterfly in my stomach. Odd. I don’t know why there is no such feelings. But without his presence like say for a day, without knowing where he is, how is he doing, what’s he’s thinking, will makes me feel unease.
All I want is a hug from him, now. I want to hold him close, listen to his heartbeats, feel his warmness, his lovely scent.
Everyday. Since the day I saw your blog, my heart never stayed the same. It somehow gave me the answers to everything you did and every confusion I have. I’m glad. I’m happy, sincerely. Knowing the facts, somehow gave me some sort of peace to my heart. But at the same time, I’m worry. How long is it going to take for you to get bored, sick of me? I don’t think myself as a lovable person. Maybe it is just me being passive, negative. Maybe this is just me being crazy and psychotic.
I really love how your smile can be so perky, somehow felt really sincere and heart-warming. How your scent smells so gentle yet comfortable. The presence of you somehow is all I need. I need to know that you are alright. I felt the need to know how you feel, where you are, what you’re thinking, probably know everything about you. The presence of you, somehow so comfortable. The nearness of you, somehow is what I need. To be with me. Talk to me. Laugh with me. Comfort me when I’m sad. Cheer me up when I’m feeling bored and down.
Knowing you is a bless. But as time goes by, I wondered. Can we, be together? I have wonderful imagination but one thing is I couldn’t really imagine how we look like if we ever be together. Seriously. But the thought of that, was’t that bad. It is kinda inviting. I need him to be around me. The need of his presence. Sometimes, it is hard for me when he is away for long as he goes home. Sometimes I think that how am I going to hold myself together when I’m at Ghana? It would be a real torture. Seriously.
How about if we are indeed together? Are we going to be survive each time we separates during each long holidays? Separated, apart, at different continent. How about when the semester ends? Will he be able to stay back, be in the same residence with me in the fall semester? How about at the end of the 4 years study? Where will we be? These thoughts has been haunting me for long. I wanted to do something, I really hope I can. But sadly, I couldn’t. I’m confused. Is he worth it? I want him and I have no idea what to do.
What to do? I have no idea. I always think about stuffs, lots of stuffs. going over, over and over again. Thinking that if I think longer, I might just get a better sense of what’s happening and what can I do or decide better. But yeah. I couldn’t win. My brain already long thought of the decisions. It just that I haven’t come to the realization–from subconscious to my conscious, to my cognition. I guess I couldn’t beat my brain.
Confused again. Back in my own thought. Why am I still thinking?
I need some place to vent,speak out when I have nowhere to go or no time to waste to clear my thoughts. Words must be said. My heart won’t be able to handle if I don’t do so.
Think of Ghana. First thing I thought about is you. I don’t know how am I be able to stay so far, so long without you. Possibly without stable internet, I won’t be able to speak to you, hear your voice,see your face. For two months, I’m probably will miss you like hell, miss the look of your face,the crazy laugh that you make when you tease me,the smell of you somehow baby-ish, those days where we have midnight snacks and talks till dawn, the glance that we always exchange when we are bored, speechless, or want to lip-speaking other’s gossip, the cheeky smile that you give me.
I just want you to be my side.