Belongingness & Home.

21/12/2013, 4.02am

I’m going home, to the place where I belong.

But I’m scared. A bit. Slight bit. I don’t know why. It just that the uncertainties scare me.

It’s been almost a year. And I will be home soon.

*****

Sneezy. It’s not because of the cold weather. It’s because the humidity in the air. I’ve live most of my life here, in Malaysia. Yet, my nose never get used to the damp air.

Everything seems so familiar yet so strange to me. The road, the people, the place. My grandma is here, staying at my house. I didn’t know that until I got off the  plane and called home, and she picked up the call. An immediate dislike. I don’t fancy my grandmother staying over. She is a stubborn, old lady that simply difficult to deal with. My parents are very much in tension whenever she is around/or I should say worst. I don’t like the atmosphere when they are all together. Feeling slightly congested. I don’t want to come back to this. All I want is a peaceful, warm family atmosphere, shower me with love and kind. Sadly, all my parents did were arguing, blaming each other. Arrggh. I hate to come back to this. I was so disappointed. This is the reason I don’t want to come back. I don’t want to be in between them like this.

And all my friends have someone in their life. Left me all alone in this holiday season. Finding someone I love is not easy. Finding someone who will love you back it’s harder. All I did just spent my Christmas watching crappy tv shows alone. I don’t come back to this. I don’t feel like I belong here. I don’t belong here.

I’m so confused. Where I belong? Where is my, home?

 

5 Seemingly Non-Life Altering Lessons Learned During My Semester Abroad

Thought Catalog

It’s the classic stereotype. Students from top-50 universities in the U.S. who take a semester or two overseas don’t do anything worthwhile.

I’ve seen it all over the Internet: 20-year-old white girl studies abroad and suddenly thinks she’s cultured. Clubbing, taking advantage of the under-21 drinking age, and rendezvousing with foreigners are all Americans know how to do in Europe. And then, in four months, we come back loaded with filtered Instagram photos of our fancy cappuccinos in European coffee shops and far too many selfies with famous statues and tell everyone how, quote, “Study abroad was amazing.”

The truth is that a lot of American college students embark on the study abroad journey for no particular reason except that they want to experience living in a different country. To many people, this isn’t a satisfying enough reason.

Well, there is no right or wrong way to “do” study abroad…

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WE DON’T CLICK.

I don’t think we’re the right one. We have literally nothing to talk about. 

Well. I will start from the beginning. 

Today is a special day, where I got Kitty, 2 guys and YL (one of my bff) to go karaoke. Well, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for me to spend time with him…..

But anyway, my conclusion is, WE DON’T CLICK. 

Arrgggh. He is adorable and really can sing well, just that he don’t want to. 

And throughout the journey back, we didn’t talk much. Maybe he is tired after a long karaoke session and ball game, I’m tired too. We just… don’t talk….that much…. Not as much as compared to D.

My plan, my 2 days challenge (count down to my flight back to Malaysia), or 11days challenge (countdown for days before new year–where my 2013 new year resolution is not to swear and get a boyfriend) is failing. They are falling apart. 

Sigh. Never mind. I don’t really care. My heart sank a bit but I kinda see this coming. Therefore, I wasn’t that disappointed by the fact that we are not the right match. Maybe another one. 

Well, another thing. Coincidentally, We (me, YL and Kitty) bumped into D at our dorm’s entrance. He saw us. We walked into the lobby together, small talked. As we waited for the lift and it came, 2 lifts opened at the same time. AWKWARD. YL swiftly walked into the lift at the left, while Kitty said bye and walked into right lift. D was half walking in the left. Without thinking at all, I was storming into the left lift together with them without sayin’ bye to Kitty. 

“That was awwwkkaarrrddd, what happend?”- D

“Nothing…”-Me 

He knows how I felt towards Kitty. But he should know better. Between D and Kitty, I’ll still choose D. 

 

How I felt right now.

When things tears apart, going home will not change a thing.

I find myself weeping, call for hope, call for god, call for cure, call for love.

I need a touch, a kiss, a hug, a cure for everything.

A thing that will brings me home, make me feel safe.

All I want is you to caress my cheek, feel the warm of your hand on my skin.

Whisper my name, tell me everything is gonna be fine.

Why you can let it so so easily and it’s so hard for me?

Because I can tell you.

When everything burns down.

Nothing is left behind and you left nothing behind.

But it’s different for me.

I am still indifferent.

14 days challenge.

when things tears apart, going home will not change a thing

I find myself weeping, call for hope, call for god, call for cure, call for love,

I need a touch, a kiss, a hug, a cure for everything.

A thing that will brings me home, make me feel safe.

All I want to caress your cheek, feel the warm on your skin.

Tell me everything is gonna be fine and whisper my name.

Why you can let it so so easily and it’s so hard for me?

37 Tips For A Better 2014

31. Sometimes you can’t save a person. They have to save themselves.
I have to learn and know, I can’t save him if he don’t save himself. Same thing goes to me, myself.

Thought Catalog

  1.  You are no longer a kid. You are not a child, and you are not a boy or girl. You are men and women. Get used to the concept and regard yourself as such.
  1. Greatness is always gossiped about. What others say or think about you is really none of your business. Don’t make it your concern
  2. Expect what you say to unfailingly come back to you in some form.
  3. Your actions are your responsibility.
  4. Respect all living things — their ways and their choices. Start with yourself.
  5. Don’t cry in public. Especially not at work. You are a professional, lock it down.
  6. Unless the ice cream flavor that best defines your soul is vanilla, there will be enemies. Choose carefully.
  7. Explore. Experiment. Be wild.
  8. Drink more water.
  9. ALWAYS keep a sense of humor. It’s only life. No one gets out alive.
  10. The best way to ascertain a person’s true…

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Having A Crush That Makes You Feel 15 Again

“I would be lying if I didn’t admit to the simple fact that crushes are, in part, about confirming I’m still worth wanting. That someone else out there might have an office crush on me too. Because we live in a vain world, and I am as narcissistic as the rest. I want to be liked and loved and everything in between. If not, I worry if I have a purpose. If I have a real need to be here. What I crave is new personable discoveries. Those moments where two people click instantaneously. I guess I’m a crush junky if you will. Even the small prick of a crush can sedate me for a few months. Letting me float in a solitary bliss that not even the harshness of reality couldn’t bring me down from. “

Thought Catalog

I have a crush on this guy in my office and it makes me feel like I’m 15 years old. Maybe younger. Maybe more similar to the first time I realized what a crush meant to me. When I noticed my stomach constricting on sight. How normal “hi’s” and “how’s it going’s” seemed to choke and trip on themselves on their way out. How I’d start to quickly overheat and worry what I was supposed to do or say next. While I have to remember that I’m in my twenties and crushes shouldn’t feel like a heart attack on the rise, I try to revel in the exciting moment that it’s happening and that I still do have emotions that drive me. 25 me and 15 year old me, are not so different afterall.

It’s a soothing reminder that no matter my age, I can still manage to revert so…

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Stay strong.

I am sad. Because I am nothing. I’m worthless. I felt worthless in D’s eyes.

I was constantly ignored by him again and again. My kindness and concerns for him never requited. I felt like a utter dummie. It is taking me down. It is consuming me.I felt myself stucked  in the whirlpool of sadness and disappointment.

Pain. Numb. I don’t know what to do. It peels my heart. It costs me countless days of tears.

I must stay strong. I must pull myself together. I can’t simply just let my feelings towards him take over my life for nothing. It’s not worth it.

I need a new start. I need a new target. I need a clean slate. I need to get away from here.

Take me away, angel.