Overcoming my self-doubts.

Dear whoever,

I don’t know what to say or what to do for now. I feel like there is some weight on my chest and I just need to write down somewhere, somewhere that I will not be judged.

I am currently unemployed, as my contract as research assistant ended last December 2018, and I am just aloof about looking for another job.  Coincidentally, I had to move suddenly by the end of January, so it’s of convenience I delay my job search.

The truth is, at first I feel confident, then I feel lazy, then I feel sad, then I feel anxious, then I feel nervous, then I feel okay, then I feel weird about everything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I will be okay. Sometimes I feel that I will be okay sometimes I don’t.

How I wish there could be a clearer path about what should I do in the now and upcoming future? Something that could shine the light for me? Something that is clearer than Astrology, Tarots and Religions?

I still have a clear target on wanting to be a counselor or therapist of some sorts in the near future but there’s always hurdles and hurdles that I have to overcome. It is frustrating. Sometimes I feel okay, sometimes I question myself more. Is this part of my journey? I am not too sure but I think part of my lesson that I need to learn is be okay with uncertainties and have some faith with the inner strength in me.




What are you afraid of?

事情無論整麽樣, 抓住的是自己, 放不開的過去與經歷。 感覺與思緒都是自己的。 最怕的, 已經過去了。難到你不知道嗎? No matter what happened, we are the ones who hold on to experience or the past. We own our feelings and thoughts. What are you afraid of, already passed. Don’t you see?

Another letter to my therapist.

Dear Heidi,

It’s me again. I didn’t sleep well after that email, but it did straighten my thoughts for a bit.  Guess what? Today, I went for a tarot cards reading. I got the news that Sunrise guy would be away again (now he’s in Malaysia) and I’m in Shanghai, going back to HK tomorrow and somehow, by the time he comes back to HK, I’ll be in Malaysia. We both would be in Malaysia for a day only. Somehow the timing is so awful, I can only be speechless.  I guess the earliest time I would see him gonna be in 3 weeks. I was slightly upset. Because I planned to talk to him when I go back to HK, tell him how I feel for the last couple of months. I was upset because things suddenly boil down to nothing and I felt that when things dragged so long, I can’t take this. So I had a spur of the moment, I went for tarot reading (it costs me 100rmb for 15 minutes, hole in my wallet), I felt like I need something to soothe my soul for a bit. I’m the sceptic type so no worries. But the readings were, somehow hit the points; pretty much what I expected and predicted. In short, the reading said outcome of me telling how I feel won’t be good, and if I must do, I should mentally prepare myself. It’s bleaky and I knew it.

I was alone later at night, on my way back to hostel, I messaged my mom and I asked her whether she heard about tarot stuffs and somehow my mom’s bff knew tarots and she figured I would be interested to have her helps me to do a tarot reading too. I think somewhere along the message I cried in public, for the first time in months. I don’t remember why I cried at the first place. I tried to hold myself back, but it was hard. And I was choking at the next moment. I was puzzled and it was really silly. I don’t like this keeps happening to me.


Letter to therapist.

Dear Heidi,

How are you doing, Heidi? I guess I’m writing this as to arrange my thoughts. This is my 21st days in Shanghai. I am officially bored, tired, and dreadful if not weary enough. My 22nd birthday was lonely, but I wasn’t intent to celebrate or tell anyone here anyway.  The city is boring, too big and polluted that I feel repugnant.  The bed is hard as hell, and I haven’t been sleeping well since I got here. I guess the weariness accumulates to this point, where I am hardly productive at my study (I go to the classes and participated actively, but I decided I don’t want to do the homework, as they won’t affect my grades in HKU anyway and be ‘outlaw’ for once XD, while I have difficulty to concentrate on my thesis proposal for my FYP at HKU) and every morning I felt as if I haven’t been slept at all.

I don’t like spending time with the friends I made here, so most of the time I spent by myself in school café, or I went on wander in the city by my own. Don’t get me wrong, I like being alone here, because I feel weary constantly spending time with a huge group of people. It felt energy draining and I really enjoy the solitude (I guess this is where I can feel my introversion is working). And given all of the time I have here, almost doing nothing, my mind starts wander, think, messing around with all the probable possibilities when I get back to Hong Kong. I start thinking of many enticing propositions. Like for instance, confess how I feel for him, Sunrise guy, when I get back to HK. I think this idea somehow stems from my own, as there was once I had a convo with a friend and she is struggling with a guy she likes. I told her without hesitation “you have nothing to lose”. I guess those words really left an imprint in my mind. Just what if I tell him how I feel, what’s the worst anyway?  And these thoughts really burn in the back of my mind since then. I can’t wait to leave Shanghai, and go back to HK. I even changed my original return ticket so I can get back earlier, because there is nothing much in Shanghai for me anyway. And those thoughts, include possible outcomes, how am I going to make the speech?, what would be his reactions toward my feelings?, how does he feel for me right now? etc.. They keep me awake, and even in my sleep, I can’t stop thinking. I literally worrying about the probable and the improbable future.  I guess overthinking and pessimism are in my vein, my strong suits.

I don’t know, I haven’t been stop thinking about Sunrise guy since I got here, and somehow the thought of D kinda vanished. The other day before I came to SH, I told D “I have been seeing someone” through skype. We didn’t talk more, because after that he sorta blatantly hanged-up because of bad reception. I guess the whole point of me telling him that is, I want to close that chapter. And I did. And I moved on.

I don’t know what’s going to happen after this email, but I do hope I can get some quality sleep tonight.

Magic words.

So yesterday, my therapist and I was really chill and she laugh at my convo with D, in a good way. I mean we both laugh too. Because it was really funny and embarrassing for me. We were talking about D’s magic words that wand off my melancholia, at the right time. Most importantly by the right person. This shows how much he matters to me. And she was really glad and proud with what I did in just one month, attending random gathering, events and meetings. It did felt good, because no one really cares about me, laugh at this stupid ‘joke’ with me.
But seriously, if anybody else tells me never give up. I won’t even flinch. If is his words, I will obey and worship it.

Letter to my therapist and convo with D.




So I called D today. Nothing special but as you can see the convo above after we talked. He hasn’t replied me. And I just sent an email to my therapist.

Dear therapist, 

I hope you’re enjoying the Easter holiday. I was reluctant in writing you this email, but I guess I have to because I have nowhere to turn to. 
I just got off a conversation with D over viber. Twice actually, abruptly. His dad was calling him(twice in between our convo) so I have to get myself off so he can talk to his dad. We were chatting over random stuffs and ruminating about our recent life/failures (we both had hard times with interviews lately. ), as usual, and tried to convince each other we will be fine, forget about it and move on. But at the end of the call, it doesn’t feel good after I called him and I’m not too sure what to do with myself. 
The feelings of emptiness and sadness. And I start thinking I haven’t been talking to my dad. I haven’t got my summer planned out. And things have been disappointing. I joined a couple of stuffs, a meditation meeting, went out to beach on Saturday, movie on Sunday. But overall, I don’t feel so much fun. I don’t remember when the last time I feel genuinely happy.
Sorry I’m off track a bit. So after the call, I feel awful, then the usual, I cried my eyes out. I thought if I call him I will feel better, even just a bit. It didn’t and it’s awful. He supposed to be the coping mechanism. It didn’t take away my problems or his problems and god I think I am adding to his list of problems. 
And the thought of postponing my life came to me, it occurs to me, I might have tried to postponing my life, retracting myself from doing anything or be with anyone. I don’t know what makes me feel better anymore. 
PS, I do not have a plan to kill myself if you’re worried. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out. 

Therapy Talk #4

So I went to see my university counselor for the 4th time. I was slightly jittery before meeting her. I even came out with a list of stuffs I wanted to talk to her. imageSilly, isn’t it? Because I don’t want to waste my biweekly meeting with her. 50 minutes simply do no justice to my predicaments.  I need to get them out of my system ASAP.

Today is pretty productive. We started off discussing about my mood last week and weeks back then. Before we even start, she automatically took out the waste bin. “I know you will need it later.”  She gets me. I guess I am the emotional, cry baby type. “Yeah I know.”  It’s almost ritualistic but I feel better after I cry, and there is no way I can talk straight out those sensitive topics without touching my emotional side.

I spent adequate amount of time complaining to her about D and how his inaction makes me feel. We did a little role play. But I couldn’t make myself scolding D, roleplayed by my therapist, no matter how upset I am. That’s not how D and I work. Then later I mentioned that I want to send birthday gift to D, while I am split between the prank glitter boom or a t-shirt. We did have a good laugh about the idea of prank glitter, but because of my tendency of self-blaming, self-hatred and guilt-ridden person, she warned me to think thrice before making a decision and think of the possible (bad or good) consequences.

One thing she mentioned that the possible reason that he is ignoring me is that he is homesick that, any communication with the past will make him miss home. That’s why he is so inaction. She might be right and I nodded.

She also dug around, wonder if I am seeing anyone. I brushed off because I know I have attachment issues. I am not lovable blah blah blah. I also blatantly mentioned about how I feel about queer guys. I told her that I have the tendency of liking gay guys. She is slightly curious about it and decided that we can work on that too, work on my personal identity. Towards the end, we decided to work on two topics: my emotional attachment/fuck up relationship with D and my personal identity for this semester. She also gave me a homework. Write a letter to D, about the things I want to confront him, his inaction. Of course, she repetitively warned me never send it to him but bring it to next session. I nodded. I know what to do. And as my problem with D is more imminent, we decide to work on that first. We’ll see.

Therapy talk.

So I went to see my therapist as planned, and we talked.

“Do you feel like your life is not worth living?”

“Do you feel rejected?”

“Do you love yourself?”

I guess they are some of those must-ask questions in therapy session. In the sense that to make sure I won’t kill myself out of sudden.

Meeting with the therapist.

So I went to the therapist at university. Finally after so long. I guess I should have go there long before this but its better than never. I need an proper outlet and I need to do my assignment about my life review and I need someone to straighten my life out so I can write it all down something. And I need the exposure as a client. I want to go into counseling industry and I think the best way to start is to see a therapist or a counselor myself. I need to see how this thing works and how it can helps me before I want to help anyone.

I waited at the reception for around 15 mins max and I already saw more than 3 persons walking in and out and waiting to see a therapist or received more than 3 call enquiries regarding the counseling session. I guess people are really stressed out about life, politics, exam or HK.

I wasn’t a shame that I need the counseling. So I didn’t sit behind the blind (for privacy) because I don’t think its necessary. I accept my flaws and I seek help as I needed it. It needs courage and I do think I am proud of my courage to seek help.

The therapist took roughly 20 minutes to make a case for me, asked me some simple questions why I am here for help and what’s been going on with my life. I just poured out and cried for a bit when I talked about how disengaged I felt with my family. How my best friend ditched me suddenly and left me here all alone and I never hear from him anymore?

I guess I am so frustrated with so much changes in life I am still in shock. Somewhere along the line she mentioned that I am cognitively (brain/mind) rational but feels differently to the situations and my reality does not fit my expectations and we will work on that part. I guess she is right and I will meet her again 2 weeks later.