Today is a happy day. I started working at the university as a temporary helper for a week and make good of my free time and some money.
I haven’t been smiling and laughing this much for some time. 2 gals from my sexy fat asses are back and most importantly, D is moving back too. I never felt this happy before. He posted his facebook status. It’s good to hear that.
I realized I get less wordy when I’m happy. So, ciao~ XD
Yes. Stranger, how are you?
Recently I’ve found someone has been reading my blog quite constantly, like once every few days and it’s from US. I felt glad, at least some one in this world knows how I feel.
Interestingly, today I found out this particular visitor might be someone who knows me in person. This visitor, from US but he/she used Google Hong Kong, which gave me a clue that he/she might just changed his/her IP address. This makes me feeling, uncomfortable.
What I wrote here, it’s not meant for the people who knows me. This is the place I ‘bare’ and ‘strip’ myself naked. Those raw feelings and thoughts, unfiltered. Letting anyone who knows me read this, it will turn ugly.
“To whom may concerned, someone that I know and you know who you are, just my own paranoia strikes,
Please, reveal yourself to me. I won’t be mad, angry or anything. But please for the sake of all, please keep this blog for me as my little secret.
Love, vegan wolf.”
I’m kinda nervous.
I’m kinda scared.
I was staring at the height pencil-marks that left on the wall in my room.
There are 4 marks (sorry this is an old one), left out one of my tallest friend in our sexy fat ass group. And I’m the shortest one. I’m blessed that I managed to stay back in my room for the coming semester. So I don’t have to remove the pencil marks on my wall. It was his writing. I don’t want to take that away. I want to keep it there.
Well, it’s about time where everyone is back to normal. It’s about time the school starts. One more week. And I’m now a sophomore. 3 more years to go.
Back to topic. I’m scared because he once told me that he might not be able to come back staying in our dorm anymore due to his study issue and family. I am scared and I have no idea what is his final decision or his family’s final decision. And this freaks me out. Due to our circumstances, I simply dare not to call him.
Fear, again creeps me. And I’m worry. I’m not too sure I can handle it well if this goes wrong. I miss him.
“You’re born alone, you’ll live alone and die alone”
Slim bitch’s words sounded mean and cruel. But for sure, she is right. She is right about we are born alone and we all will die alone (unless you’re a twin then you born together).
My attachment issue. She attribute my latent lesbian behaviors to my attachment issue, as I always been like this since I’m far far away from home. I used to scared of being alone, eat alone and etc. I was damn scared because I’m lonely. But these never happens to me during my A-levels, as I always have both slim bitch and fat bitch with me. They’re my emotional pillars. And I was always pre-occupied with their
weekly daily issues/problems, giving the advice, help them out. And I oversighted my own problems, as dealing with theirs was tough and busy enough. Too much of distractions.
Now, I’m away from them. Too far away. I’m alone. My mind are more freed. But it fills with more thoughts, I got more introspective. I started to stare at my own life and I think too much. And that leads to no where. To fill up the emptiness(presence of people and mind), I call people profusely, using vibers, skypes, facebooks, etc. Slim bitch was disgusted my overly-attach behavior. But I’m better than last semester. At least I don’t really call that many times or lengthy anymore.
When I thought I got better, but actually it just turn worst. After my relationship with D turned odd, I don’t know what to do. And I’m consciously knowing that, I often place/focus my emotions on someone. Therefore, I somehow shift my emotions into another person, which is C, the girl from my internship team. From J, the boy who thought he is a man, to D, a guy with latent homosexuality to C, another gal with confused sexuality. Is this ever going to end?
Conclusion of slim bitch: “you really need a overly-attach boyfriend.”
Yeah. She is right.
Today, I’ll talk about sexuality. Again. Few weeks ago, I bumped into this video. It was good. It explains better than a lots of video when they talks about human sexuality. And again, I am confused. I do identify my gender identity as female. Sex? Female. My romantic orientation? I admit, I’m still very much emotionally attached to D. My sexual orientation? Complicated. I used to call myself a surely straight girl, then I went through a lesbian phase, then a bi-sexual (but actually when I look up the correct term I should be calling myself is bi-curious, because I never tried before) I used to attracted to both man and woman, and now, today I was commented by my PhD friend that he was surprised that I did not check out the guys(some really good looking guys on the streets), as he observed me that I only look at people once, without checking them out again. This comment did startle me a bit. But to be honest, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I was’t checking out guys anymore, and more like checking gals out. Therefore, now I felt sincerely weird with myself. Did I just turned into lesbian again? Sexual behavior? And I don’t feel like sexually attracted to D. And I felt like, odd. I wasn’t myself as before. I felt turn off when I saw dicks and kinda like watching lesbian porn more. I was never like this. And C, the gal from my Ghana trip. I kept thinking about asking her out. Shit. What’s wrong with me? I am confused. What am I?