So my dad starts smothering me in the middle of night with “you should pray to some god with will help you finding a good husband with specific specs, i.e. handsome, not ugly. or maybe a boyfriend.” I guess the recent wedding and babies has struck my dad into sense that her baby girl is hopeless.
So I went to the therapist at university. Finally after so long. I guess I should have go there long before this but its better than never. I need an proper outlet and I need to do my assignment about my life review and I need someone to straighten my life out so I can write it all down something. And I need the exposure as a client. I want to go into counseling industry and I think the best way to start is to see a therapist or a counselor myself. I need to see how this thing works and how it can helps me before I want to help anyone.
I waited at the reception for around 15 mins max and I already saw more than 3 persons walking in and out and waiting to see a therapist or received more than 3 call enquiries regarding the counseling session. I guess people are really stressed out about life, politics, exam or HK.
I wasn’t a shame that I need the counseling. So I didn’t sit behind the blind (for privacy) because I don’t think its necessary. I accept my flaws and I seek help as I needed it. It needs courage and I do think I am proud of my courage to seek help.
The therapist took roughly 20 minutes to make a case for me, asked me some simple questions why I am here for help and what’s been going on with my life. I just poured out and cried for a bit when I talked about how disengaged I felt with my family. How my best friend ditched me suddenly and left me here all alone and I never hear from him anymore?
I guess I am so frustrated with so much changes in life I am still in shock. Somewhere along the line she mentioned that I am cognitively (brain/mind) rational but feels differently to the situations and my reality does not fit my expectations and we will work on that part. I guess she is right and I will meet her again 2 weeks later.
Just how much love someone can gives.
Just how much burden one can takes from the consequence of fall in love.
Just how I am going to get through this.
There are so many things we identify with, so many ways we decide who we are based on style that we admire and opinions that are the collective average of the people we surround ourselves with. We’re so disconnected from our core selves, we latch onto everything around us to try to compile a person from confusion.
And all you end up with are the pieces of somebody else’s life.
It’s the advice you’re given all the time, though it’s often ignored because we don’t know where to start: knowing yourself, becoming your own locus of control, is the most important thing in the world. You can’t expect to find somebody who loves you for you when you don’t even know who you are. You’re not going to know what dreams you want to follow; you’ll trap yourself in the could and should and must of a person you’re only…
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I particularly love this quote from the book Frankl, Viktor E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning.
“The angels are lost in the contemplation of infinite glory.”
Because I am. I am the angel that is lost in contemplation of the past.
For a brief moment, again I find myself lost in the amidst of life. My life is so far so good. Smooth as it seems. I guess I just so scared that things will fall apart. Spoils the peace.
I guess my brain is as douchy as it could be by thinking too much.
A lot of things happened lately and I was caught in between assignments and appointments that I barely have time to myself.
So last Wednesday I went back to Malaysia with my second brother to attend my cousin’s wedding and to meet my new born nephew. Things have changed. A lot of them. I haven’t been there for almost eight months. More new buildings, new family additions. Going back gave me the opportunity to reconnect with my family. At least I was actually looking towards to. I lost my time away studying in HK and I realized things changed more than I can grasp and I just want to hold on to them. And there are a few things I realized:
1. Wedding is not my thing.
How much I hated the ritualistic chinese marital shits that nobody understands how they works and means. I will never do them and no one can force me into one.
2. Childbirth is creepy.
I saw my sis-in-law’s swollen bare breasts and they are infected with pus. All I can see that she was in fking pain.
3. I am losing my time with my family and I am losing my nuclear family.
I wanted to spend some quality time with my mom but it seems like there always been something else that takes up our time and sometimes I just miss my mom.
4. I learn myself better for a bit.
What I like, what I don’t like.
For which, I know I need to love myself more. I need to break myself down, into pieces then build it up again.
“They wanted happiness without knowing what it was, or where to look, which made them want it all the more.”
-Tim O’Brien, In the Lake of the Woods
Sara, Mount Holyoke College:
“We all have our little solipsistic delusions, ghastly intuitions of utter singularity: that we are the only one in the house who ever fills the ice-cube tray, who unloads the clean dishwasher, who occasionally pees in the shower, whose eyelid twitches on first dates; that only we take casualness terribly seriously; that only we fashion supplication into courtesy; that only we hear the whiny pathos in a dog’s yawn, the timeless sigh in the opening of the hermetically-sealed jar, the splattered laugh in the frying egg, the minor-D lament in the vacuum’s scream; that only we feel the panic at sunset the rookie kindergartner feels at his mother’s retreat. That only we love the only-we…
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How I miss but not to be miss.
How I dream but they are just silhouettes.
How I could be the sentimental one but to be forgotten.
How I am the reluctant one but things always change.
How I could be forgetful but wanted to reminisce.
How I want to grasp on but time does not permits.
And I am suppressing my urges again. I need to. I need to stop myself from contacting D in any form. It is not worth it. My constant internal struggle with D has been leaving me dry, tired, and pathetic. I need the love.