Some rants.

“I’m that horrible friend that reads your text then puts the phone down to do something and forgets to reply until 3 hou…”

He retweeted some celeb’s tweet and as Facebook status. That doesn’t make me feel better. I’m sorry to say this.  If you’re sincerely sorry, please. DO REPLY!! I’m kinda sick of this.

I’ve been receiving A’s Facebook messages recently(A used to crush on me /publicly into me back in GCE Alevel, which is…ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO??). He’s been concerning my well being in Ghana and very much interested in what am I doing here. The first thing in morning, I received A’s message as I woke up. He’s been very much trying to chat with me although I always reply him nonchalantly as I really have no what-so-interest in him and I’ll never want to give him any false hope. He’s been kind. But I’m never in to him. Actually I am hoping that the message notification is from D. But he never reply. He never do. I am putting myself in such situation where I am actually praying that he’ll reply to me while most part of my brain tells me he’ll never reply. Silly me, isn’t it? It is karma. I’m treating A badly while D is treating me badly.

Moral of the story: A deserve a better treatment. I shall be a good person, let him happy a bit as his birthday is like 2 days away (July 1).

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Anyway, today is a bit of rough patch. A team mate cum roommie got malaria. One of our supervisors’ little daughter passed away a few days ago and we now only informed! I felt bad for not knowing but definitely paying respect first thing tomorrow. May god bless her soul.

Something is not right. I’m not sure whether it is psychosomatic effects or whatsoever. It’s just 8.21pm. I felt a bit off. Felt weak, slight feverish, tired, body ache. I can’t be sick now. But I suspect I  might be getting malaria too. Shits. This is not a good sign. Maybe I think too much and read too much about malaria.

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Yesterday we had a blackout. Again. It’s pretty normal here. But I have some good talk with my bed-mie. She practically told me her love life/story to me. And some dirty secrets of others too. Which is a good thing. That means she trust me. After she finished, it’s already late night. She was expecting me to reciprocate therefore I told her some old college romance/bad romance that I had. But I don’t think I’m ready to tell my university’s romance. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I am a bad Cancer.

 I revisits my memories of his. They play in my mind, almost vividly. And feelings too. Sometimes I find myself smiling. while sometimes painful memories just makes me want to cry, over and over again.

In 8 days, I’m gonna turn 20 and I don’t feel like celebrating it. I keep it from all my team mates (now I’m still in Ghana doing intern and I can’t believe I’m having my 20th birthday in Africa).

It’s depressing. I’m depressing.    

His ignorance.

The irony of life.

Love gives me hope, but fails me too.

I yearn for his attention. I asked for his opinion as I faced some difficulty. He did replied and gave me some concrete answers.

I asked how’s his life been? I wanted to know how is he doing. But he won’t reply me. He just ignore my message. Like always. He ran away. Yesterday his results just out. I won’t dare to ask him too, as he don’t even want to reply me. All I can do is left it this way. Dangling there. I’m not even sure what am I waiting for. Probably a train at the airport, quote from a friend of mine.

The overwhelming of frustration and disappointment. His ignorance hurts me more than anything.

I hear you, but I’m not sure that is about me.

I know what you feel, but I’m not sure you know mine.

I’ll  like to hear your voice, but I can’t call you now.

I see you with me, but you say you don’t think so.

My heart is with you, but your’s are not mine to keep.

Left me behind, give us some time, space, you said we’ll be fine.

Left me torn, broken, how can I fix this time?

When love is the reason behind this while it is the cure?

 

A lost soul.

Yesterday I watched the movie -The Guilt Trip. It’s a story about an unemployed son with her single mother. Due to study and work, he has to be away from her mother. However, due to some twist plots, he went on a car trip with her mom.

Somehow, I see myself in the story. I am now away from home. I’ve been away from home since ever. But somehow, me and my family never really talk like my friends do. I am never the secure attachment type. I rarely go back to my parents or talk to them when I face some hardship. Oh well, unless it is money. My parents are very much confident that I won’t be doing anything inappropriate or crazy. And I have almost full freedom to do anything. Almost. But still good enough, better than any of my friend and I know I’m blessed.

Somehow, I am never really feel like connected to my parents. I love them, it’s not that I don’t love them. It just that maybe I’m searching for more. More than that. I want to be loved. I want to have something that belongs to me. I want someone to love me, care for me. And I’ll love him back and care for him too.

I guess this is just too much to ask. I should be content with what I have.

But in my life, love is something that keeps me going, alive. It gives me a purpose, leads me to somewhere. At least it gives my heart a direction.

But now I’m just lost. Save me, my dear.    

Where are we?

“I see you, but do you see me?”

I am in a deep limbo. I set a trap for myself that I could not get out of it. Maybe because I don’t want to, I don’t feel like getting out of it. I am tired. I am exhausted. I did slept for 9 hours + today but I wasn’t been sleeping well since I am in Ghana because of cold nights and the African braids that has been bothering me. And of course, him. I dreamed of him, for the last few weeks. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or what, but I found myself in tears when I woke up from the dream. I’m confused, I’m not too sure that is some tears of joy or sadness. I’m still trapped. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I confessed. I still see myself on the starting point, going on where. Because I have no where to go, no direction, no destination. I don’t know how to move on when I have no destination.

“‘Cause I might not say it back”

That’s his status of the day. The lyrics is obviously about us.

We met at winter and I left when summer come. I told him how I felt, but he couldn’t say it back. My heart is torn that I don’t even realize. I thought I am fine but I’m not. I just keep fooling myself, keep living in the dream.

Because I love him but he might not be able to love me back.

Where should I go? Should I be leaving?

Hey dear, will you hear me?

Standing here, half way through the globe from where you are.

You said distance will helps. You said time will heal.

When we see each other again we’ll be fine.

Now all I see and hear is you, although you’re so far away.

Hearing you whisper my name.

You live in my memories, in my mind.

If I call your name will you hear me, will you see me like you used to be?

Will you beside me if I ever need you?

I remembered you said you never believe in fate, you said life is a choice.

But if I have a choice to go back that moment again, I might change it around.

If I didn’t say it, will you be like this?

If I didn’t say it, how will you feel about me?

If I didn’t say it, what we will be now?

Admire or Like? & Feelings.

“I’m not sure whether I admire him or like him.”

– a friend of mine commented when we asked about her previous crush.

Once I asked myself. I thought I was admiring his talents and ability to just talk so spontaneously about everything and to anyone. I’m pretty much a person that just simply hard to approach and I don’t like just go random talk to strangers. I don’t know why and I simply don’t.

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Day 11 or Day 13 after the talk

I don’t know. How should I be feeling? It felt like it’s been quite some time. But maybe not. It’s just 13 days. It’s not even a month. I place his picture on my phone’s wallpaper so that I’ll be able to see him everyday. The truth is, it is not enough. Today I browse through my facebook straight after I woke up. I was looking after his posts or comments. I was tracing his activities.I want to know what he is doing. I miss him so much. I tried to facebook him. But his replies always been short or no reply at all. That frustrates me a lot. But what can I do anyway. I was lying on the bed with my friend still sleeping. My tears just comes out naturally.

‘I’m just a broken-hearted man. How can I move on when I’m still in love with you?’ –The man who can’t be moved, The Script

My heart is torn. His heart too.I know I’ve been handling this situation very well. But at some days such as today, maybe PMS, I get crazy emotional. The Script songs helps

. I thought the distance will help me get through this. But it seems like I am constantly looking for the shadow of him. I tried to remember how he smiles, how his hair looks like, his smells, his touch. When I get bored, I’ll just loop my memory of his. Tried to remember each and every details of his. Those days and nights we spent together. Part of me keep trying to remember all of his while another part of me just wants to forget about this. But reviving our happy days it’s the only way to keep me alive, get through the day. Because without it, I don’t know what I have and left with me. I have nothing to grasps on.

I know moving on is what I should be doing but it’s difficult. I have nothing here and no one for me to focus on and move on after him. Nothing is worthy for me. I’m so depressing and pessimist. I’m so lonely here and no one to talk to.

Again. I’m pathetic. And probably I’m not that lovable. What is left with me?

All I can do is cry in silence, because I don’t want my roomies to know about this.

The breakdown.

I don’t mean breakdown as feelings or mind breakdown but the communication breakdown.

The first world problem.

The improvement of communicational technology has accelerated our connection speed by virtual communication but the same time this has greatly reduces face-to-face communication. It is truly hard to justify this but this is the reality.

For the first 2 days, all of us didn’t have any mobile data or local sim card.  We were trying to entertain ourselves by talking to each other, knowing each others. It was great. Ice-breaking, talking. We had some real good time.

On the second day finally we managed to obtain our mobile data so that we are able to connect to the internet to do our assignments in future or for me is Facebook (it is my drug and I was having withdrawal syndrome, thank god).

And well, fast forward to day 7(12/6/2013). Today. Throughout the training, we take turns to do the presentations in front of each other. Obviously everyone is fed up with the monotonous presentation. This is an inevitable situation and we have to do this for perhaps more than a month. People are so concentrate and attentive at their respective smartphones, go facebooking, whatsapping, etc. Leaving the presenters idle when they are hoping someone’s responses. Pathetic. We don’t talk that much anymore.

For the second part, the breakdown might also mainly due to some sorta language barrier and racial segregation. In our team of 11 people, we have 7 locals (HK), 1 mainlander, 2 Malaysian (one is me), and one Israeli. Naturally English is our common understandable language, therefore we used it as the mean of communication. Oh well, maybe not. Personally as Malaysian Chinese I’m blessed that I know canto, english, mandarin and malay. However, for others, such as the Israeli guy in our group he is sorta unfortunate as he is like any caucasion guy who couldn’t speak or understand mando and canto. Sad for him. He always has hard time trying to blend in as the locals often uses canto and mando to talk, isolating him. Although some(locals) might realize this, it seems like this situation hasn’t been changing and I think that if even I try to ask them to speak in eng they will also somehow change channel. This is hard for them too, given that they have been speaking canto since forever, it is somehow difficult to change the way they speaks.

Another problem arises. Because we are working with the NGO Community partner(CP), our employers(CP) are with thick Ghanian accent that sometimes even me has some hard time understanding what they said. But I guess my understanding is way better than other given I’m more experience and used to listen to different accents.

Thoughts.

The more I read his blog, the more I felt terrible. I’m a highly pessimist person. The more I read more I felt I have to know and I have to face the truth. The high probable that he will not be back. Back to where we stayed for last two semesters. Somehow we managed to get lucky and be the ‘coincidence’–according to him the low probability events.

However this time, I felt that we’ll not have the ‘coincidence’. We finally have to lose in this game of probability.

The realization of truth saddens me and somehow it is hard for me to accept this.

God please bless us. Or bless him. He need this.