Things that I want to say to my therapist.
I’ve to put it somewhere, put them into words before I forget them at my next meeting with my therapist, which it’s going to be in 18 days time. Sad tho. I don’t have the privilege to talk to her in the weekly basis.
I just had two finals today and another 3 hours training at the SAM. It was a good day. But not sure about tomorrow tho. I even made a trip to temple nearby just to pray for good luck. I need that. I cannot worry about everything, isn’t it? But going to SAM for now is good for me. It really takes my mind off, like a safe zone. No judgment, nothing in line. It allows me to talk whatever I want. It feels good.
It has been a tough few days. I either study or long day training at sam or school project intern or EEG. It has been okay. Although my mood is not as perky or elevated as last week, I tried to keep my head up, reciting my mantra hang on hang on a few more days and try to stay as calm as possible.
And recently there has been some earthquake happened in Nepal and it is devastating. Nepal, although is not my homeland but after I’ve stayed there for almost three months, I grew attached to it. I always have this affection for Nepal and I always yearn to go back. I can feel my heart ache and want to cry about it.
I’ve been feeling slightly aroused recently, sexually. That warm arousal that stuck on your skin. I don’t know. I have the thought of finding a fuck buddy, or getting some sexual reliefs but no avail. I have no good candidate. The guy, Alan from SAM really caught my interest but gah, I think he must have a girlfriend already.
And I just received a email reply from my beloved teacher Chan Sir from my ABC class. I felt really sentimental about our whole program has just finished. He is a brilliant teacher and I don’t know, I just feel the pangs of sadness.
There are so much sadness in this few days and I have no one else to talk to. I must hang on for a while, at least till this Wednesday.
So yesterday, my therapist and I was really chill and she laugh at my convo with D, in a good way. I mean we both laugh too. Because it was really funny and embarrassing for me. We were talking about D’s magic words that wand off my melancholia, at the right time. Most importantly by the right person. This shows how much he matters to me. And she was really glad and proud with what I did in just one month, attending random gathering, events and meetings. It did felt good, because no one really cares about me, laugh at this stupid ‘joke’ with me.
But seriously, if anybody else tells me never give up. I won’t even flinch. If is his words, I will obey and worship it.
I think this is my 7th or 8th meeting with my therapist and I’ve cried for every meeting I’ve been to previously. But today is a miracle, I didn’t cry for the first time. I realized D’s words means so much to me that he sorta lifted me up from my terrible mood. I’m feeling way better for this couple of weeks, although I’m in real time constraints with tremendous amount of work. As if I’m elated, in a very weird way.
Thus, to prevent my mood changes, we didn’t work on further. This is the time I need to focus on real stuffs.
Little success matters.
Since the last therapy session, I don’t feel down or sad so much anymore. But just the overall feeling of bored and emptiness. The absent of emotions. Quiet but hollow. The prevailing feeling of ‘I don’t care’ anymore. And I realize, I haven’t been feeling happy for quite some time. Then again, it hasn’t been bad bad for me. D’s words matter to me. He has been more ease with me and it feels good at times. The thought of him lingers, but for good. It’s the thought of him keeps me going.
I have this odd guilty feeling. I think I broke him. I broke myself and I broke him. He put the “you were looking over me” as his status a few hours since our conversation. And I sent him one last message, praised him that he has outgrown himself and I’m proud of him. It took him forever, 3 days exactly for him to look at my message and he didn’t reply anything. I don’t blame him. Maybe I really broke him down, like a ghost from the past, devil on his back that never let him off.
I don’t know what should I do or what should I say to him. What should I do?
So I called D today. Nothing special but as you can see the convo above after we talked. He hasn’t replied me. And I just sent an email to my therapist.
I hope you’re enjoying the Easter holiday. I was reluctant in writing you this email, but I guess I have to because I have nowhere to turn to.
I just got off a conversation with D over viber. Twice actually, abruptly. His dad was calling him(twice in between our convo) so I have to get myself off so he can talk to his dad. We were chatting over random stuffs and ruminating about our recent life/failures (we both had hard times with interviews lately. ), as usual, and tried to convince each other we will be fine, forget about it and move on. But at the end of the call, it doesn’t feel good after I called him and I’m not too sure what to do with myself.
The feelings of emptiness and sadness. And I start thinking I haven’t been talking to my dad. I haven’t got my summer planned out. And things have been disappointing. I joined a couple of stuffs, a meditation meeting, went out to beach on Saturday, movie on Sunday. But overall, I don’t feel so much fun. I don’t remember when the last time I feel genuinely happy.
Sorry I’m off track a bit. So after the call, I feel awful, then the usual, I cried my eyes out. I thought if I call him I will feel better, even just a bit. It didn’t and it’s awful. He supposed to be the coping mechanism. It didn’t take away my problems or his problems and god I think I am adding to his list of problems.
And the thought of postponing my life came to me, it occurs to me, I might have tried to postponing my life, retracting myself from doing anything or be with anyone. I don’t know what makes me feel better anymore.
PS, I do not have a plan to kill myself if you’re worried. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.
We are just tired, weary souls.
I came across an article about a woman who died of liver cancer, and she wrote her own obituary before she died. Her obituary is amazing, I mean I read that when I was very bored. No, sorry I’m now very bored too. See? Being bored can drives you a bit crazy. I think, it’s not so bad at all. Like what Irvin Yalom did with his clients, what do you want to write on your tombstone?
And another friend of mine just attended his uncle’s funeral and expressed his epiphany about facing death in life. What we thought of life are fairly similar. We’re just living creatures who learn to live at a quarter of our live, then learn to die for the rest of our time. I like what he said.
I think funeral is just a ceremony for the living to face death. For me, the idea of my own death is not so scary. Just the thought of living through other’s death is insufferable.