Lessons learnt: Love.

Day 4 after my confession. I’m feeling nothing. To be honest, I’m feeling better than before I confessed. So I guess it did serves the purpose. I dreamt of him last night. We were happy and he was all smile at me and we were like a couple went for clothes shopping. It was really sweet and it felt very real to me and I was very happy in that dream. When I woke up, I can’t help to smile at that dream. It was so beautiful, to be honest. But that is not the reality we share.

I’m feeling freer, lighter, less anxious, alive, and content with now. Maybe with a bit of lonely, but I tried not to engage with that. I don’t feel like going down the spiral. I wanna do problem-focused as there is nothing much emotional-focused to deal with. I have my peace of mind now. I am alright. In fact, I think I just want to write it down about my experience in this whole thing.

Some of the things that I’ve learnt from him or the whole relationship are:

  1. Loving someone with all of your heart is not going to be enough, most of the time. Most of the time, you just get your ass kicked, bashed up unwillingly. No matter how hard you tried, people can’t change who they are or what they do. Maybe I always give my heart too easily, served on a silver platter. Maybe my heart is always too weary, too easy, too frail. Sometimes I just need to follow my heart, and let things slide when I first noticed things went wrong and walk out of it immediately.
  2. I have a very big heart, that I always see the good in people even thought they are just ugly as fuck, or having many flaws.
  3. The difference between attachment, obsession, dreams, reality, love and lust.
  4. Being in control of my life.
  5. Knowing that, sharing every detail of my life is not the best thing I can do. Sometimes secrecy  is a good thing. And learning on to be private about myself. Build a wall sometimes it’s not the worst thing to do. Oversharing is what I’ve been doing and I need to tone myself down a little.
  6. He quiets down my mind. I’m not too sure why but he did. The wall he builds around him made me sometimes so hard to talk to him, and it kinda shuts me down, made me utterly speechless because there are nothing else to say.
  7. Learn to be selfish and love thyself more. Don’t change your life because of someone else. It’s never worth it.
  8. Honesty is the best policy.
  9. Reconcile with yourself, your inner self, your feelings.
  10. Reconcile with your past, your past relationship. I did it with D and I felt amazing. We are more connected than ever, spiritually.
  11. I am deep down a control freak.
  12. I secretly love to dig on people’s worst fears and secrets, and wanting them to tell me so I can be safe, and feeling in control about things.
  13. I have an appetite for lust, and love. Sometimes they go hand in hand, sometimes separately.
  14. I have attachment issues that I need to work on, probably stems from early childhood.
  15. I really want people to hold me, cuddle me, hug me, squeeze me tightly.

Aftermath of confession.

I couldn’t wait any longer than 10 days. So I made up my mind and I messaged him at 11-ish pm, 6 November 2015 yesterday.

“Have your verdict? Whatever happens, let’s be adults and talk about it face to face.”

“Sorry, it has been busy for me. About it, I don’t think it will work for us.”

“I knew it all these time. It was just stupid of me, I just want to hear you say no.”

But I wasn’t satisfied with his answer. I want to hear it from his own voice, and I called him. Apparently he was still at work.

He told me that he used to have feelings for me, until a month ago. He has feelings for some gal from his office now. I thank him for the honesty. Because that is what I really need from him. I just want to come clean and let go of things that are no longer relevant in my life and be honest with myself. I wanted him to break all of my illusions and impossible dreams that I made up. I needed a kick, a wake-up call and I got it.

Soon after, I ended up calling D because I wasn’t so sure what was I feeling, things just numb. Because I have no one to turns to at this wee hour for advice or comfort or put my mind in order. I cried a little here and there throughout the 2.5hours call. I told him what happened and we talked like old friends (I’m not obsessed with D anymore so-to-speak), talked about what am I going to get over it, that I should totally be on Tinder (yes I just downloaded it but I haven’t figured out how to use it yet) and I should be going out seeing new people and do something about it instead of sitting there, wallow about my pathetic life. I feel like doing something ceremonial to put things into an end, like getting an earlobe pierce or a tattoo (but I haven’t felt heartache yet, so not too sure what is the whole point of doing it, and D forbids me from tattoo), unfollow or unsubscribe or  unfavorite him on Facebook, or unfollow him on Spotify so I can’t listen to what he is listening (I did, immediately, it was a huge relief) . And I sorta promise D that I can have a week of ‘sad me’. And by the end of next week, I shall be okay with it.

I’m glad that we are like platonic soulmates, not lovers. He understands me well like no one. Being honest with him was a relief. Because we know nothing gonna break us anymore. Ps, he told me I should have more dignity. I guess my dignity has been always all time low. XD

If you would set me free.

I am counting the days,

Tryin’ to keep my insanity at bay,

Your words might not bespeak,

Though I’m feeling at peace,

But my thoughts are the unruly freak,

Heart still throbbing for you,

Can’t stop looking for you,

Even I know you are not there,

Even I know I am not in your heart,

I would like you to tell me in my face,

If you would just set me free.