Day 4 after my confession. I’m feeling nothing. To be honest, I’m feeling better than before I confessed. So I guess it did serves the purpose. I dreamt of him last night. We were happy and he was all smile at me and we were like a couple went for clothes shopping. It was really sweet and it felt very real to me and I was very happy in that dream. When I woke up, I can’t help to smile at that dream. It was so beautiful, to be honest. But that is not the reality we share.
I’m feeling freer, lighter, less anxious, alive, and content with now. Maybe with a bit of lonely, but I tried not to engage with that. I don’t feel like going down the spiral. I wanna do problem-focused as there is nothing much emotional-focused to deal with. I have my peace of mind now. I am alright. In fact, I think I just want to write it down about my experience in this whole thing.
Some of the things that I’ve learnt from him or the whole relationship are:
- Loving someone with all of your heart is not going to be enough, most of the time. Most of the time, you just get your ass kicked, bashed up unwillingly. No matter how hard you tried, people can’t change who they are or what they do. Maybe I always give my heart too easily, served on a silver platter. Maybe my heart is always too weary, too easy, too frail. Sometimes I just need to follow my heart, and let things slide when I first noticed things went wrong and walk out of it immediately.
- I have a very big heart, that I always see the good in people even thought they are just ugly as fuck, or having many flaws.
- The difference between attachment, obsession, dreams, reality, love and lust.
- Being in control of my life.
- Knowing that, sharing every detail of my life is not the best thing I can do. Sometimes secrecy is a good thing. And learning on to be private about myself. Build a wall sometimes it’s not the worst thing to do. Oversharing is what I’ve been doing and I need to tone myself down a little.
- He quiets down my mind. I’m not too sure why but he did. The wall he builds around him made me sometimes so hard to talk to him, and it kinda shuts me down, made me utterly speechless because there are nothing else to say.
- Learn to be selfish and love thyself more. Don’t change your life because of someone else. It’s never worth it.
- Honesty is the best policy.
- Reconcile with yourself, your inner self, your feelings.
- Reconcile with your past, your past relationship. I did it with D and I felt amazing. We are more connected than ever, spiritually.
- I am deep down a control freak.
- I secretly love to dig on people’s worst fears and secrets, and wanting them to tell me so I can be safe, and feeling in control about things.
- I have an appetite for lust, and love. Sometimes they go hand in hand, sometimes separately.
- I have attachment issues that I need to work on, probably stems from early childhood.
- I really want people to hold me, cuddle me, hug me, squeeze me tightly.