Recently, I have been down and anxious and it makes my hands shaky without good reasons. Sometimes I’m just afraid, for no good reasons. So to cope with it, I started doodling, sometimes mandala style sometimes just randomly. Just to takes my mind off, keeps my hands steady.
On Monday, I called my therapist because I can’t get myself together and I really need to talk to someone and Sunday’s conversation with D didn’t do the job. D was sobbing about his guilt of losing all of his friends back here in HK. I can empathize with him and I just want to convince that he is doing just fine. But I can’t talk to him about my matters, my relationship with this guy. I just can’t bring myself to do that. At the end, I called my therapist for a full 40 minutes. I cried and cried. My feelings washed me up real hard. I went back to the old me again. That person who wants to talk to someone that she loves when she is vulnerable or having some sorts of trouble. The Savior complex. The overflow of insecurities that stems from god knows where. I have to constantly remind myself. Sometimes I should keep some things to myself. My therapist has been telling me that I can’t control or foresee what others’ might have been thinking. Of course, from the conversation I had with her, I have been consuming myself with trying to think what are his possible thoughts, try to run through every possible outcome, overanalyses everything. It’s not good for me, of course. I have to stop myself all together.
On Monday night I have this overnight duty at the call center that rendered me unable to sleep for the whole night- I was on 3 to 8am shift, but I was able to salvage my day with a 9-11am nap. Overall, I have been slightly elated but chill for the whole day. I have to admit I have been experiencing some flashes of him on and off. Like I could actually visualizing him with me, doing something together, kissing my lips, holding me close. Or flashes of scene growing old together. These images come to me easily at the back of my mind and I can’t seem to stop them. And I’m not fighting back. They calm me down in a weird sense. And I’m not too sure what to do with it or what to do with myself. Am I dreaming too hard?