Burn.

To be honest, there is such a anger in me. There is just too much nerves in me. Probably because of my PMS. Extra more large zits and pops with weird feelings all over. I felt like a cocktail of madness. Bad. Big time. It has been disrupting my sleep and I felt so tired all day and even extra doses of coffee and cola don’t do the job. And most importantly, I have an exam tomorrow and I’m in no mood to study. For godsake whyyyyy. And I wanna cry for no reason.

Lately, things has changed. Since my gal bff, C got his bf, S, my spot have been replaced by him and seriously, although this day will come, but SERIOUSLY, I felt abandoned and left out. And it’s mean. I felt like killing someone or revenge or something. Burn.

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How Can You Look For Love When You Don’t Know What It Looks Like?

How Can You Look For Love When You Don’t Know What It Looks Like?

Thought Catalog

“It’s okay though, because he didn’t love me.” My friend had just gone through a breakup. It was Epic Female Bonding Time.

“He didn’t love me,” she repeated. “Like, when it’s right, we’ll just know. We just need to find a guy that makes us happy in all the ways that matter, so that even if to someone else it appears imperfect, we know that deep down this is the right person for us. Being with them will feel like home. You’ll feel safe, relaxed, and you’ll never get sick of them. You’ll fight, but know that it’s out of love and that you’ll resolve it and be stronger.”

I sat there and wondered about where he was, this elusive person who would be my home. It was then that I started sighing in resignation. I didn’t dare to disagree with her then, fearing that I’d come across as (God…

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Hush. I shall not whisper the words.

I came to look for him, barged into his room, that one place I haven’t been to for quite some time due to several reasons. One, his room is a mess and he’ll loved to save himself some trouble to tidy up. Second, I… well, he, hmm.. We’re kinda busy with our life. Just like any other semester, he’s fucked up with his academic, slightly money problem and other work problems. Me? I’m just trying real hard to save my semester or I should say, saving my future opportunity to be in a graduate school. Therefore, although I might be fucking busy, I will still drop everything to see him, at least once a week or more if opportunities permit. So when there is no opportunity, I create one.

“Can I see you tonight?”

“erm sure”

He seems, fine expect the fact that he just woke up like an hour ago while it’s 11pm. And we went on talking for hours. He was particularly cheerful and one moment while, all serious in another sec as he was dealing with his work thru Facebook. He smelled great and I’ll loved to sniff them and kiss his skin if he allows(maybe in my dream). And he laughed too, but it’s a bit overly too I mean I haven’t seen him laughing out loud so naturally we both giggle like idiots. I’m happy when he’s happy. By the time 3am, we were starving(and I overheard his tummy was grumble in background. I insisted to go down Mcd as I was starving too and I don’t want him to starve himself and I’ve loved to spend just a bit more time with him. So I dragged him down with me, at the middle of night for supper. To be honest, I haven’t done this with him for quite a long time. And I don’t remember the last time we were walking down the K town together on the street. The street was quiet as expected, just me and him.

He had this fetishism with fries. Not like the typical one, he prefer those soggy, soaked with oil one. He don’t mean that he likes old fries. He just love those soggy old bending fries among the fresh fries. The  peculiar, eccentric type of favorite. But never mind, I love my fries dry and crispy. Just the opposite. So I gave him my soggy fries and I stole and finishes his leftover fries. What a waste I think, but it just perfect. I don’t want that moment slips thru my fingers. It was perfect.

Later that day, he lied (I think) about getting an interview for readmitting into the dorm, he actually didn’t sign up for one. While, he realized he lost his summer residence in the dorm, and that devastates him. But I’m not too sure how should I feel about this, because me myself is leaving the dorm (confirmed) by the end of this semester.

It just got me thinking, I think I don’t want to tell him. I want to hold on to this. There is never a perfect moment where I can confess my love again to him. Until he decides he wants it, there won’t be necessary for me to confess at all because I know it will be dejavu, just like last year and redundant. It might just turn everything into dust all over. And that is the last thing I want to do. I knew this day will come. I deal with departure badly. But my love, my love, D. I’ll hold my breath and shall not whisper the words.

In the parallel universe.

Today something peculiar happened to me. I saw D at the podium at school like 5 m away. I’ll say this happens only like once in a blue moon. In this parallel universe, I walked away from him. No, to be correct I hid my face from him, while I was stunted, walked away with my back facing him. When I realised how weird I was 3 seconds later, I turned my head and walked back to look for him. I guess I went full blown retard. In another parallel universe I’ll run to him and say hi or something. I think my body, heart and brain weren’t communicating well today.

But later that day I met him too at this programming workshop. People asked me why I was there as it has nothing fking related to my major. Mostly because of him, ofc. But I just said I’m curious and I wasn’t lying, just this part of me is so tiny that you can say it’s negligible.

When I thought I had the chance to have dinner with him we ended up having dinner with bunch of other engineering guys. Bummer. What was I thinking. And he got to go home. I was quiet. Because I don’t know what to say or do. All I did was looking into his eyes, as if there is answer there. He looked distraught and in real distress. He’s been like this for quite some time. Maybe the whole semester he’s been like this. He looked back, said “what?” Nothing. I just want to look into his eyes. I can spend my whole day look at him if he allows me. I want to hold him too. I need to tell him he’ll be alright. He just need to pull his acts together with the semester about to ends. I am concern about his well being. He is totally depressed. And I don’t want D to suffer from that. I’ve been there last semester. And it will break him.

All I can do is pray for him.

Unconditional Love.

D, I don’t know how you feel. But after a year, I still feel the same. It’s as if they never got away before. I don’t know. Yes you said rip off the bandages. But I guess things doesn’t go away easy, at least for me. You told me to distract myself. I did. I did. I did tried to distract myself so I don’t think about it. But it’s never the same. They are not the same as you. You’re the one and only. Irreplaceable. Despite I tried so hard. I just ended up hurting myself, depress myself more. Because they are not you.
I have no right over you despite I want to. Because it’s selfish. And I won’t let that happen when you don’t want to. After all, most important, I want you to be happy. You’ve grown and changed so much. All the smile you try to put up, I know they are fakes. I miss your smile, you haven’t been really smiling since last year April.

I’ve changed too, I believe in some sense I felt more confident and stronger in solitude. When I thought my feelings for you might due to my inability to cope with alienation. Yes it might be true in some sense, I grew better. You make me a better person. You make me want to be a better person. And your mere presence always calms me down. Because you always know what to say to me. You know the worst of me. And I know the worst of you. And I still need you. Because in spite of everything happened, I love you with all my heart, unconditionally.

I just couldn’t do it.

This is just some moment where you have to talk about it. I have to talk to him about us. Yes. I should and I must. But I couldn’t. It was too scary. Everything is too scary. And I might be crying this time. I want to know how is he going to confront so badly. I must know, I must know. I must ask him. I must ask him before I leave this place for good. I think I should try to initiate the conversation to just talk about us. Just us. He might said that rip the bandages off, clean. But the scars still hurts. They never leave me alone.

Troubled souls.

D is in a mess. He lost grasp of his life. He wrote a blog post about it. Sounds terrible and bad. I want to know how is he. But it seems like he switched everything off. He won’t reply my message. I am worried. I’m afraid he will do something stupid.

I need him. I need him to tell me everything is going to be alright.

I’m feeling déjà vu all over. As if things are happening all over again. I’m moving out of dorm. It’s official. And D too. And I’m feeling terrible. Just like last year. I never got through him. I never did. They are in me all these time. They never left me. Just the mere thought of things are going to end kills me from within all over again. I just want to cry. I want to hold him. I need him. I need him to tell me everything is going to be alright. 

Choice.

I don’t have the answer for everything. Or I would say, you won’t be able to find an answer that can truly right. I know you’re in a state of having vague feeling of uncertainly and helplessness because you always think that you need to be right and at the mean time you don’t have the constructs to understand and comprehend your life. But is it really matters? I know you always said it is a conscious choice. Maybe it is. After a while, have you ever thought of all these thoughts are actually your defense mechanism? You said you’re trying to confront it.  But I think you take it far stretched. I think how you felt is personal. Being gay, lesbian or bisexual it’s personal. Sometimes it is being selfish. Try to remove yourself from the bigger picture as an individual not the humanity and listen to yourself.

I’ve been confused too, about what I like. It was my darker days during my high school. Now instead of focusing on whether I am a hetero or bisexual I stop trying to label myself convince myself. I don’t think it bothers me that much anymore. I realized, ultimately someone that you will be with and the one you need should be the one that you being in love with, unconditionally. It can be anyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a gal. Then later, you’re free to label yourself if you want to. Ultimately the choice is yours.

 

 

Happiness?

“So what do you want or need from him?” 

I don’t have the exact answer. YL shoot me with this question when I disclosed almost everything to her.

I want to call D mine. I want to be there when he is upset and tell him everything is going to be alright, and vice versa. I want to be part of his life. I want to share my joys and tears with him. I yearn for his presence, his grace……..the list goes on.

And I thought. What can I offer him? What can I give him? He wants nothing from me. I don’t see him needs me in any sense. I felt so useless like a trash.

And I want him to be happy. Maybe that’s what I need to know. The most important thing. Will he be happy with me? Or maybe without me, he is happier?