Save me.

Dear strangers, whoever reads this crap.

I know I sounded like I’m in a bad mood but hey, I’m not gonna lie to you, I am in a bad mood. I think I am depressed again. As when I thought I’m heading to the right direction, life drags me right back down and punched me on my face. My work has been getting tough lately. I’m not going into details, basically it just me not doing my job well and it is likely I’m gonna be suffering for the next couple months. And it comes the work pressure and the future is bleak. Knowing that I am bad at my work while I can’t change much and do much about it at the meantime really kills me. It’s the fight and flight mode again. I felt like trapped and all I want is to run from it. Same goes to my bf. He has some problem with his work and he has been contemplating about quitting his job.

Everything feels like falling apart. Maybe I am falling apart piece by piece psychologically. Maybe I am. How I wish I do have another personality like Elliot Alderson has Mr Robot with him when time gets tough. All I did is fidgeting, stares into the space and feeling anxious about the whole thing, feeling the the world is gonna collapse. All I hope for is some miracles. Maybe let me win a lottery. And I will be just fine.

 

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The one.

Hi there.

I’m still alive, if you’re concerned, after months of hiatus. No worries, I am very much in love with B and we are still sticking around as bf-gf lovey-dovey. He adores me so much, even after more than 6 months, we are still like hot-heated kids. We fuck we kiss, we brawl we hug. I think he could be the one.

 

Update on me and B.

29 December

Hi there. As I write this, I am now on my flight to Taipei. Today is 29 December, currently 12.45pm. A lot has happened few days ago. On 27 December, I spent my night with B, knowing that I’ll be gone for 2 weeks soon. He booked a hotel room nearby his home at Tsuen Wan and we had sex again. We are great together. He is such a sweetheart. I like we soaked ourselves in the tub, laid on top of him, holding him tight. And how he looks like an angel when he sleeps. I am still not used to having someone sleeping beside me but I feel safe. I feel comfortable enough beside him. So I asked him when is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend while we were in the tub, although we practically done everything what girlfriend/boyfriend would do. Still, I need his words, proper verbal consent. He didn’t hesitate and of course I said yes. I can tell he adores me a lot and he’s like a little puppy or the fox from the Little Prince, and I am the little prince, and he is so tamed by me.

The next day, he started asking more serious questions about future, life, dreams, etc. heavy stuffs over lunch and I am a little concerned about him. After lunch we parted and I took the ride to Sheung Shui, visited D for one last time before to go, or before he goes back to UK and never ever come back again. It is always funny to see how things turned out between us. He just walked away from a grueling on/off fling that he is the emotional bitch in that relationship, albeit they have only met 3 times in person. And I just confessed to him that I just lost my virginity to someone I knew online, and within a week, now he’s my boyfriend. Life is complicated and he had this epiphany that he probably will not come back to HK. A little over a year really changed us all and we will try to stay in contact as much as we can.
At night, I noticed B was cold with his messages and I figured out he might be pissed with the fact that I might go clubbing. He didn’t want to stop me but he is definitely not liking the idea of me getting drunk and dance and touched by other guys. He said I can do whatever I want. But I felt sarcasm in his words and I assured him I’ll not betray him or cheat on him in any way because it’s a spiteful thing to do. He is a little assured but at midnight he suddenly asked me, ” Hey, do you love me?” I freaked out. Although I knew somewhere along our relationship this thing will comes up. It just a matter of time but I don’t expect to be this fast. We have only confessed out liking towards each other but never the lxxx word. And he dropped the bomb. I went brutally honest with him. “i have to say that i really like you and i really enjoy the time we spend together. but we have only met in person for a week and i am still trying to grasp on the reality” “i don’t know what to say because i really don’t know how i feel”. He was offended. And he replied me with ice. “Alright, it doesn’t matter” I don’t blame him but I don’t want to spoil the good. “no, B I know it matters to you that’s why you asked. But I can assure you that I am definitely not romantically involved with other peoples, or in love with other people”. Again, he blasted back with “Of course. Have fun in Taiwan”. It was a nightmare. But I told him I wished I book the trip with him and I asked if I can call him. It was a nice gesture before I go. Make sure he is fine. I think he might be in love with me already. On the other hand, I’m puzzled. I need some time to sink in with what have happened lately and my life. I’ve been happier than ever since I met him, I bet he feels the same too. I know I really like him and adore him and I really care about him. But at the same time, do I love him? I’m still not too sure about it.

30 Dec

When I finally realized he didn’t hear/remember what I said and asked whether we are bfgf. So we decided that our official date is when we first kissed: 12 December 2015 (1221). 🙂

A new start with B.

As for the starter, hmm. I first met B on last Sunday (20 Dec) over the pizza place and we walked around. He was really shy and I can tell, he was very nervous. And he wouldn’t want his picture taken in any way. After the walked around TST and as we decide to go home, we were at the MTR platform, I tried to hug him. But he got a little panicked and pushed me away a little, and he swiftly tried to hold my hand instead. Later, as my train almost arrived, I stole a hug from him and hopped on the train. He immediately texted me as I left.  He was actually having a boner as I tried to hug him, therefore, he pushed me away because he was concerned that I will realize that. LOL.

So the next day (21 Dec)  we went out again for Korean food at CWB and he was a bit shy too, but better. And he is very nerdy cute, and could be dashing if he cuts his hair short and more confident with himself. And we walked around at the Tamar park overlooking the HK view. We held hands and he held me close because I was in cold. And we shared our first kiss there (andmy first kiss). I took him home with me, and we had sex. We took each other’s virginity (sorta, he is 50% virgin) and we both enjoyed it, although he couldn’t cum because we were too tired at the end. He hasn’t sleep much lately and we had a 4 hours sex (I think we enjoyed foreplay too much) and he did go down on me and his tongue is good. I gave him a bit blow job too at the shower and it was my first. And we slept naked in cuddle til afternoon. It was awesome and we both enjoyed it.

And we had it again on 23 Dec in the morning because he had to go to lab in the afternoon and my roommate will be back soon enough. So he came to my house in the morning with McD breakfast and we had sex again…..for almost 5 hours….. I think we are just enraging teenagers that can’t get enough of one another~ He did cum this time, but when we was mutually masturbating…. It was really hot for me. He worshipped me and I love it.

On Christmas eve, we spent the night together stroling on the street, watched movie, and had ice-cream at the middle of night. It was awesome. Because I finally found someone to spend my Christmas with. And yes I am very happy. We haven’t DTR yet, but this might be a good begining.

No tears.

Hi, there. I’m alive.

I just went to see my therapist and it was good. No tears, no cry, just clarity and peace. I can’t be sure that I am totally okay with my family problem, but so far, it has been good. She said that I have grown up a bit. I like that. I like my change. It’s time for me to get better. And I’m going to meet D later today and B this Sunday. Things can’t get any better. I’m at peace now.

One month mark: B

So, today marks the one month of me knowing B~ And we haven’t met yet. Sadly. *haizz. If we don’t have the exams and assignments, I think we would have spent our time together right now.

Every night, I dreamt of his touch, smell and kiss.

Every night, he entices me with words. And I seduce him back.

It’s mutual. It’s fun. It’s exhilarating.

I want him. He desires me.

The sexting is heavenly. We explore each other’s body with words.

The anticipation, the thrill, the lust.

We yearn for each other’s touch each night.

We help one another to masturbate and orgasm.

That kind of craving. We are insatiable.

And I’m afraid that we can’t contain ourselves when we meet each other.

New guy, B?

Hello, strangers. Do you miss me?

I’ve been incognito for quite some time. Deadlines and shits. Don’t worry, I wasn’t in any deep shit.  I know, my last post was about my rejection. But I’ve doing pretty good recently. My mood is all time good, most of the time I’m feeling positive and hopeful *exactly what I need during this stressful period.

But something interesting happened to me. So I’ve been exchanging messages with this guy called B, we found me on OkCupid about 2 weeks plus ago (since November 15) and we kicked off pretty fast. We figured out we are both recently experienced love failure (he was dumped by her 4 years long term relationship last May) and we have similar thoughts about life and things…. YES we are both lonely. And he was very open about his sexual experience. And we kinda tumbled down into the black hole…. of sexting.

I swear I’m not that kind of person will do such thing (ever) but it was a moment of weakness. He was surprised too, that I’m into this thing. I am surprised by myself too. *I kinda can tell he is more of the nerd than a player- but I can’t be sure until I see him in real person(yes I haven’t met this guy yet….). It was two sided. Over the weekend, I was rushing my essay (2.5k in 2.5days) so stressed out it was kinda aphrodisiac for me to talk about sex stuff. I need the relief. I need the attention. I kinda reciprocated and it felt good.  I have no idea sexting someone can be so much fun and pleasure. He told me he never feel so hard in his life before, not even with his girlfriend. Later the next couple days we did sexting now and then, and one time he really did cum, to my photos (no nudes whatsoever, I cover em all and no faces, or they are just cute normal selfies). It was exhilarating to me. I mean, I feel the proud and the pride. I’m sexual enough. Kinda boosted my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Now, we’re still chatting here and there, but as we both kinda still fighting deadlines, I hope that I can meet him really soon, in person. Sex on first date? NO. I don’t think that is a good idea. But, I don’t think I (we) can contain myself if he is what I imagine/in pictures.*He totally has this bad boy look.

Lessons learnt: Love.

Day 4 after my confession. I’m feeling nothing. To be honest, I’m feeling better than before I confessed. So I guess it did serves the purpose. I dreamt of him last night. We were happy and he was all smile at me and we were like a couple went for clothes shopping. It was really sweet and it felt very real to me and I was very happy in that dream. When I woke up, I can’t help to smile at that dream. It was so beautiful, to be honest. But that is not the reality we share.

I’m feeling freer, lighter, less anxious, alive, and content with now. Maybe with a bit of lonely, but I tried not to engage with that. I don’t feel like going down the spiral. I wanna do problem-focused as there is nothing much emotional-focused to deal with. I have my peace of mind now. I am alright. In fact, I think I just want to write it down about my experience in this whole thing.

Some of the things that I’ve learnt from him or the whole relationship are:

  1. Loving someone with all of your heart is not going to be enough, most of the time. Most of the time, you just get your ass kicked, bashed up unwillingly. No matter how hard you tried, people can’t change who they are or what they do. Maybe I always give my heart too easily, served on a silver platter. Maybe my heart is always too weary, too easy, too frail. Sometimes I just need to follow my heart, and let things slide when I first noticed things went wrong and walk out of it immediately.
  2. I have a very big heart, that I always see the good in people even thought they are just ugly as fuck, or having many flaws.
  3. The difference between attachment, obsession, dreams, reality, love and lust.
  4. Being in control of my life.
  5. Knowing that, sharing every detail of my life is not the best thing I can do. Sometimes secrecy  is a good thing. And learning on to be private about myself. Build a wall sometimes it’s not the worst thing to do. Oversharing is what I’ve been doing and I need to tone myself down a little.
  6. He quiets down my mind. I’m not too sure why but he did. The wall he builds around him made me sometimes so hard to talk to him, and it kinda shuts me down, made me utterly speechless because there are nothing else to say.
  7. Learn to be selfish and love thyself more. Don’t change your life because of someone else. It’s never worth it.
  8. Honesty is the best policy.
  9. Reconcile with yourself, your inner self, your feelings.
  10. Reconcile with your past, your past relationship. I did it with D and I felt amazing. We are more connected than ever, spiritually.
  11. I am deep down a control freak.
  12. I secretly love to dig on people’s worst fears and secrets, and wanting them to tell me so I can be safe, and feeling in control about things.
  13. I have an appetite for lust, and love. Sometimes they go hand in hand, sometimes separately.
  14. I have attachment issues that I need to work on, probably stems from early childhood.
  15. I really want people to hold me, cuddle me, hug me, squeeze me tightly.

Aftermath of confession.

I couldn’t wait any longer than 10 days. So I made up my mind and I messaged him at 11-ish pm, 6 November 2015 yesterday.

“Have your verdict? Whatever happens, let’s be adults and talk about it face to face.”

“Sorry, it has been busy for me. About it, I don’t think it will work for us.”

“I knew it all these time. It was just stupid of me, I just want to hear you say no.”

But I wasn’t satisfied with his answer. I want to hear it from his own voice, and I called him. Apparently he was still at work.

He told me that he used to have feelings for me, until a month ago. He has feelings for some gal from his office now. I thank him for the honesty. Because that is what I really need from him. I just want to come clean and let go of things that are no longer relevant in my life and be honest with myself. I wanted him to break all of my illusions and impossible dreams that I made up. I needed a kick, a wake-up call and I got it.

Soon after, I ended up calling D because I wasn’t so sure what was I feeling, things just numb. Because I have no one to turns to at this wee hour for advice or comfort or put my mind in order. I cried a little here and there throughout the 2.5hours call. I told him what happened and we talked like old friends (I’m not obsessed with D anymore so-to-speak), talked about what am I going to get over it, that I should totally be on Tinder (yes I just downloaded it but I haven’t figured out how to use it yet) and I should be going out seeing new people and do something about it instead of sitting there, wallow about my pathetic life. I feel like doing something ceremonial to put things into an end, like getting an earlobe pierce or a tattoo (but I haven’t felt heartache yet, so not too sure what is the whole point of doing it, and D forbids me from tattoo), unfollow or unsubscribe or  unfavorite him on Facebook, or unfollow him on Spotify so I can’t listen to what he is listening (I did, immediately, it was a huge relief) . And I sorta promise D that I can have a week of ‘sad me’. And by the end of next week, I shall be okay with it.

I’m glad that we are like platonic soulmates, not lovers. He understands me well like no one. Being honest with him was a relief. Because we know nothing gonna break us anymore. Ps, he told me I should have more dignity. I guess my dignity has been always all time low. XD

If you would set me free.

I am counting the days,

Tryin’ to keep my insanity at bay,

Your words might not bespeak,

Though I’m feeling at peace,

But my thoughts are the unruly freak,

Heart still throbbing for you,

Can’t stop looking for you,

Even I know you are not there,

Even I know I am not in your heart,

I would like you to tell me in my face,

If you would just set me free.