Fear fuels life. Fear destructs one. I’m in fear and feeling anxiety.
I always thought that if one could eliminate fear, you can do anything and everything. Nothing could stop you, holding you back and you can live your life to the fullest.
I lost my feelings of fear for some time. Or I did constantly consciously eliminate them. Or I should say I lost feeling some of my feelings( I know it is hard to get what I meant, it is something that you can feel it, in your heart or body). I wasn’t too sure since when.
But another thinking strikes me. Being fearless makes yourself eventually numb, like a machine. Being fear of something is what makes you a human.
7 days more to go. In 7 days I’ll be back to Hong Kong, back to the hectic fast-paced damn efficient life. I will miss the life here, to be honest. Life is good here although we have to live with the fear of knowing the power outage or water shortage or both could happen in any seconds or any minutes.
Yeah. And another separation again. After (almost) 2 months of staying here. To be honest, I’m scared. It’s not that I’m scared of separation with the people here in Ghana, but I’m afraid of what to expect in Hong Kong.
I’m very much afraid of what will happen between D and I in future.
Maybe in deep down, I’ve thought of any possible situation or worst case scenarios.
Yet, the uncertainties make me unnerving to face tomorrow.
How are you doing now?
This is a simple yet the hardest question to answer. Did he mean how am I coping with my life here in Ghana? My sickness? Knowing my bff is having eating disorders? My awkward communication problem with my group mate? Or dealing with my feelings towards him?
I don’t really get it. I am confused.
Yesterday I was crying in the phone, while my bff was kind enough to listen to me crying about him. Again. I couldn’t contain how I felt and I desperately need someone to hear me cry(Yes. I prefer someone knowing I’m sad rather than me crying alone).
I replied him.
I’m fine. One thing for sure I’m black now ==
I tried to be perky, although I was devastated. I couldn’t let him know I’m in distraught and despair. I’m being a emotional bitch and I don’t need him to know this. I haven’t been shedding my tears in front of him, but I’ve been crying a lot without him knowing. He don’t have to know this. I’m actually weaker than he thought but I have to be strong, at least in front of him.
He hasn’t reply yet. I don’t dare to ask him how is he doing now.
He probably doesn’t gave a shit.
I have to constantly remind myself not to depend on him, or anyone else. Even my mom reminds me that I shouldn’t depend on others.
I cried again in the shower. That’s all I can do. I go cry in the shower. I can’t get my own private space now as I am sharing room with others.
I’m going back to the start again. I need to love myself more. It seems like my love for him is never enough and good for me. But the memories are so intoxicating. I am still trapped in this illusion. I am sincerely hoping he will care, but I am a fool. I keep poking at my own heart.
He is selfish.
I need to constantly remind myself this. I have to learn to love myself more.
I know I know.
I can feel the burning at the back of my neck.
Ignored. Feeling like a shit. I decided to talk to my mom about this. I told her about my love/friendship life, through Facebook message(I could never talk to my mom about this face-to-face THAT IS TOO EMBARRASSING X.X).
What she had told me I already knew. I knew what I’ve to do. I knew it all. She was worried that I would somehow face difficulty in relationship because I will links my parents’ relationship problem with me. I was a bit of shock to be honest. I wasn’t that sure/realize my parents were in such a mess before this. I know, couple does fights sometimes, I guess I underestimated the seriousness. Bu luckily, they are better now. They are in a better position now. Another thing which startled me is that, my mom admit that sometimes she felt confused too, I mean in terms of sexuality. WTH RIGHT?? MY MOM CONFUSED ABOUT HER SEXUALITY TOO? Which means before this what I suspect might be true? WTF
But knowing this, I felt more open and free to talk to my mom more.
I am confused too, to be honest. I am still, sometimes confused. Sometimes I find myself admiring physique of females. I do imagine how it felt like to kiss a lips of a girl. I do still, want a girl from my past, T, who is my classmate for more than 3 years and she sat next to me for 2 years. I love her. I always do. Sometimes I still miss her. But, I never dare to tell her how I felt because we were about to graduate by then, and we went separate ways soon after. I haven’t been seeing her for some time. She is always the girl I wanted to be with. But that is the past already.
Three days two nights journey to the Mole National Park. To be honest, it’s the most dangerous journey that I ever experienced since I am in Ghana. I never thought a simple road trip could be so complicated. The journey is long and tiring. The first night stay at Damongo was a total nightmare. We ended up staying at a hell hole, where there is no decent toilet and shower. And the worst is, I was flirt by some random drunk guy who kept saying wanted to marry me and I love you. While my friend, J was there trying to convince him I have a fiancee who is mixed black american and while french for almost 20 minutes!! As we were too tired, ignored him and ran away. However, at near middle of night, we can see there was some random stranger who shone the light and peaked at our windows!! We were at first thought it was nothing, then we start hearing voice outside our door, knocking and requesting us to open the door because he wanted to chat with us!! THIS IS CRAZY!! He kept doing that for like a full 45 minutes but we won’t reply him until a certain point he tried to bang our door and open it!!!!We were startled and started to block the door with the sofa and took the deets spray with us as peper spray just in case. My friend couldn’t take it anymore and she scold him to go back his room rudely. It was a bad move but we were too late to take it back. Luckily he was too tired and too drunk to talk anymore and he decided to return to his room and leave us alone. To be honest, WE WERE FREAKED OUT BY THIS INCIDENT AND WE WERE FEAR FOR OUR LIVES.
Anyway, the next day we were off to Mole and it was amazing and we had a good night sleep (FINALLY!!).
Day three, after our breakfast, as we were ready to go off, back to Kumasi, a Danish girl went amok as the driver suddenly said we are not stopping by Mampong, the place where the two Danish gals from, while we and other are from Kumasi. That danish girl go crazy angry and she was banging the hood, protesting, while another danish gal cried. It was havoc and they fought for more than 40 minutes. It was intense and we were the victims. Damn. Anyway, after they are fine, we were back on track. However, we were almost killed twice that day as the first time our car was trying to avoid another 4WD on a speed of near 130km/h. Imagine that. Our driver tried to turn his steering and the car lost control for about 2 seconds. I was thinking, I don’t want to die!!! Another incident was our car almost covered/hit with charcoal bags as that lorry overloaded with it and it got lost control when he tried to turn and stop at a side to check out it’s blown tyre. If it felt off 3 seconds earlier I could have died. It was, intense. My life.
I dreamt of him yesterday. It almost as real as I almost let myself believe that really happened now.
I dreamt that we are all of us, back to normal dormitory life, hang out with our common good friends, just like last semester. And he told me, asked me whether I want to have some midnight snacks. That was something that we always did. And often we talk whole night till dawn. In the dream, he said we haven’t been like that for a while and he suggested we should do so. I was ecstatic.
But then I realized, it is just a dream.
I was smiling in tears.
In my dream.
Bff of mine back in Malaysia called me through Viber today. This is probably the longest time we ever not listening to each other’s voice since I left Malaysia. I miss her. I knew her since I was standard two, and ever since we are bff ever. I am blessed to know her. Oh I forgotten. We shall call her ‘banana’, or ‘slim bitch’.
We talked for so long about guys again. But I can hear her voice, she’s been worrying. She told me about her eating habits recently. She admit the fact that she does has eating disorder, while it is more like a combo of both bulimia and anorexia. I knew and realized she has this disorder when she fell in love with a douche who is as slim as a bamboo shoot, as he is only 46kg. Therefore, we shall label him as 46kg guy. She went through quite gruesome dieting as to reduce her weight from 50kg to 42kg. This has slowly ‘consume’ her as diet has turned from a gruesome work to part-of-her-hobby/obsession. Ever since, she is always concern on how she looks like or how heavy she is. She could just go from skipping meals, eating oatmeal or few cucumbers only to eating more than 3000kcal at once, or more than 5 pastries at once, or even to some extent even she felt full already, she still felt like binge. But she felt disgusted and felt like vomit soon after she finished a big meal, but luckily she never use her fingers to purge(that’s what she told me, but I know in deep down she did that a few times before). She admit to me this time, and she is worry as this problem has been with her since she attended her university around September (9/9). She’s been busy than ever since university, as she has to work part time while doing her diploma and struggle to find money for her possible exchange program to Taiwan. Her workload is crazy damn lot as she is studying mass communication, she constantly need to do recording, translation, drama, etc.etc. She managed to be the top in the class although her life is damn hectic. She is almost a different person as now she never skip class, late for class, always pass up her homework, get real high marks in her class. She even felt shocking when she realized that how different she is now compared to her college A-level days. I’ll say she is no way like this. Well. As her friend, I’m worried.
I hasn’t been talking or chatting with my dad for quite a while due to something wrong with skype here in Ghana. Therefore, this few weeks I’ve been connecting with mom through Facebook chat, which is new to me as I never really talk to my mom that much this way.
My mom said she was surprised that dad said he wants to spend 8 days in HK because he is a darn homie person who never want to leaves his house. And I said probably because both his son and daughter are in HK.
“Ya, he actually misses both of you.”
Awww. I felt jittery, with some chicken skins. Mom, awww stop it. I’m gonna cry if you say more! Nevertheless, I miss them. I miss my family. I’ll love to have them in HK, real soon.
And I miss him too, D.