The moment when feelings does not make sense.

I guess this is the moment, where things does not make sense, or feelings does not make any sense, at all.

Today is a special day. I got my own guitar. A 3/4 acoustic Fender. Expensive, but I gonna make my hobby permanent and worth it.

And of course. I dragged one person that knows guitars and willing to help me to choose one. Yup. J, my previous crush who leads me to D.

We haven’t been talking or chatting that often lately, or the last eleven months, I should say. I choose to stop ‘us’ before it my freshman second semester starts. And today I got the chance to talk to him in private, after so long. It was good catching up.

And of course, our favorite topic– dating.

I wasn’t willing to share my part of story, the story of D. So I just said it nonchalantly. Act cool.

“Haha. Nothing happened. “

He told me about someone. He’s new interest.

“Interesting….How long already?? You know there is something called a window –like a grace period that you need to take actions before it is too late?? “

“It’s been seven months…”

“Okay… you’re saying seven months already, and you are not going to take any actions?? it’s seven months!!!”

“yeahhh… I don’t know I don’t think I’m gonna do it.”

“so who’s that? “

“someone you’ll not be expecting and you probably will be surprised….”

“ok… thats… creepy…………so it’s from your faculty??”

**at this point my head started spinning. There is a few candidates but I can’t be sure)

“no it’s from yours!” 

**at this point, I was swearing. NON-STOP. Because that girl is my friend, we shall call her KT. We’re practically studying the same stuffs so we’re kinda ok friends. But knowing this, comes as a shocker, while I was confused at the same time and not surprise by this. Because it’s already 7 months and I have no clues about this, so it’s a shocker here for me but not surprise that he’s interested in her because they’ve been in a same band for quite some time.

“WTFWTFWTF~~~~~~”

**it kinda kept on going for some time

I’m sincerely happy for them. I put up a smile and wished him luck.

So yeah…. nightmare. I felt, mix up. The feelings. I’m not too sure why. I’ve listed down several reasons:

1. I might have told KT something, something bad about J, or accidentally gossiped about him. YIKESSSS.

2. He’s your previous crush. Somehow, there always be some ‘residues’ in your heart.

 

And now, I felt better writing all this down. I was close to ram into D’s room to talk about this. I suddenly felt how he felt when I confessed to him last time, while it coincided with his crush gone into relationship. I kinda felt him.

The abandonment. It felt like your sky just fall down a bit. The air is getting thinner. As if you almost can’t breathe. The heaviness in your chest so pronounce that you’ll want to grasp for air.

I need to breathe.

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19 Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s

I need to stop to be afraid.

Thought Catalog

1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibility for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.

2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.

3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.

4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have…

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A good day.

I spent slightly more than 2 hours of my time at Kitty’s room, because I need to test his guitar. But well, sadly the size is not right so I’m not going to buy his guitar. But time well spent. He’s cute. Genuinely cute. And I can see the sincere in his eyes. He really did look into my eyes as he strums his guitar. He’s really a nice guy, with everything (I guess almost) I want as a boyfriend.

I took a few peeks at his room. Clean and tidy. While the white board on his table placed with a few notes. One yellow post-it with purple writings particularly popped out. It was written “Happy Birthday Stanley!”. I remembered. It was me. It was last year’s November 29th 2012. I placed a dark chocolate snicker with that piece of paper into his mail box, without leaving my name, because I don’t want to be weird but I just want to cheer him up just a bit. I was glad, he still kept that piece of paper. Although it’s nothing, but it cheer me up a bit. But meantime, when I was trying to figure out when I did that(when is his bday), my brain told me it’s after I knew D. Yeahhh right brain you’re doing it right. My retarded brain just love to point to D.

But again, all I kept thinking is D.

Without a word.

“And you can tell the world
That you’re tired
But your excuses, they won’t work
‘Cause I’ll know that you’re lying
Every time that I see your face
I notice all the suffering
Just turn to my embrace
I won’t let you come to nothing

Stand there and look into my eyes
And tell me that all we had were lies
Show me that to you don’t care
And I’ll stay here if you prefer
Yes I’ll leave you without a word
Without a word”

D, tell me. Show me.

I miss you.

Flirt with Kitty/Hope?

I can flirt with him all day. I’m talkin’ about my (previous) crush so-called code name Kitty. Kitty is extremely cute and adorable like a kitty kitty. Don’t get me wrong. He don’t have paws and he is a human. A math major, amateur guitarist/singer, pale-white-pinkish complexion (unlike mine), tall, medium body with cutest smile I have ever seen(maybe a tie with D, but he’s more easy going I’ll say). But for sure, he has a sexy kissable lips. That little reddish pink smooth lips is what attracts me. I am close to smooch him and go crazy on him every time I see that. Luckily I still have much control over myself. 

I can smile and laugh, flirt with him all day. But at the end, it’s different. I felt, nothing. I don’t know why. Is it because my heart wasn’t ‘healed’ yet/ let go of D? I don’t know. My mind keeps telling me to close this chapter and find another guy, but my heart tells me differently. I still felt like clinging to D. I don’t know. I’m so confused that I don’t want to be the one who never get over this, when everything turns out that, me and D are impossible. That very deep down in my heart, I am hoping for something. Some miracles to happen between me and D.

I felt like shit. I am making myself felt like shit. Maybe I’m just PMS-ing and my hormones are raging. I need to calm down.  

Closeness.

We talked last night. Although the very next day I’d a big deal mid-term, I took the risk and I went to his room. I haven’t been seeing or talking to him for weeks. The overwhelming urge to see him, I can’t take it anymore. He is almost like a drug, a tranquilizer and I am addicted to him. I’m still, addicted to him.

In between convo, he sat right beside me, as both of our back against the wall on his bed, with the laptop on my lap. I was studying his face, hair and features again. I wanted to touch him but I hold myself back and that is the right thing to do. ‘You don’t want to push it too far.’ I kept repeating that mantra. He was so close to me but I felt so far away.

Some said, the eyes is the window to one’s soul. He still do look into my eyes when he talks and I never felt so close to someone.

Stress out/Quiet.

It takes them no time to figure what’s wrong with me. Well, actually quite long. I am obvious and they were clueless. I am/was pissed at myself for pissing at J (not literally), the girl who went to Ghana with me. I am/was pissing at myself for being so useless whenever I/she/they/we/all people (well maybe just me) for comparing me and her. That thought consumes me and kills me(almost literally here). I am calmer now and intend to avoid any possible social events with her. I simply don’t want to act nice, because it disgusts me, myself as a person. It somehow violates my principle as a person. So therefore, I’ve been quiet lately, every time I was with them. And they sensed something is wrong with me and now they kinda… Asked why and why I’ve been weird lately, quiet… They attributed it to me being overly-stressed. Which is partly true. And maybe, in this world, only D knows what’s happening as I never tell anyone other than him. So what I thought is, well, let them think I am stressed out. That will be good. 

Throbbing.

I’m not too sure whether it got infected or what. I’m experiencing throbbing pain on my upper ear piercing. Probably due to my unhealthy diets this couple of days. I’ve skipped a couple of real meals (to avoid eating alone and I have tonnes to deal with) and substitute with fake, junk foods. Okay this is not healthy at all. I should slap myself and stop this.

Now it’s 2.17am and I am in sheer throbbing pain that I can’t sleep. Fuck me.

Lonely.

I’m so fragile. I’m so helpless. I’m so empty. I’m so lonely. 

I just go from feeling free to sheer emptiness. And I just burst into tears. No idea why. Just feeling the pure emptiness I want to cry. The loud music, pain from my new piercing , accompany of my new pet(tortoises) seems like didn’t change a bit. 

I need to function normally. I need to do my pilling up assignments.

I need to, switch off my feelings. 

Dear heart and mind, can you please give me a break?