Human sexuality. What am I?

Today, I’ll talk about sexuality. Again. Few weeks ago, I bumped into this video. It was good. It explains better than a lots of video when they talks about human sexuality. And again, I am confused. I do identify my gender identity as female. Sex? Female. My romantic orientation? I admit, I’m still very much emotionally attached to D. My sexual orientation? Complicated. I used to call myself a surely straight girl, then I went through a lesbian phase, then a bi-sexual (but actually when I look up the correct term I should be calling myself is bi-curious, because I never tried before) I used to attracted to both man and woman, and now, today I was commented by my PhD friend that he was surprised that I did not check out the guys(some really good looking guys on the streets), as he observed me that I only look at people once, without checking them out again. This comment did startle me a bit. But to be honest, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I was’t checking out guys anymore, and more like checking gals out. Therefore, now I felt sincerely weird with myself. Did I just turned into lesbian again? Sexual behavior? And I don’t feel like sexually attracted to D. And I felt like, odd. I wasn’t myself as before. I felt turn off when I saw dicks and kinda like watching lesbian porn more. I was never like this. And C, the gal from my Ghana trip. I kept thinking about asking her out. Shit. What’s wrong with me? I am confused. What am I?

Honest words with my mom.

Ignored. Feeling like a shit. I decided to talk to my mom about this. I told her about my love/friendship life, through Facebook message(I could never talk to my mom about this face-to-face THAT IS TOO EMBARRASSING X.X).

What she had told me I already knew. I knew what I’ve to do. I knew it all. She was worried that I would somehow face difficulty in relationship because I will links my parents’ relationship problem with me. I was a bit of shock to be honest. I wasn’t that sure/realize my parents were in such a mess before this. I know, couple does fights sometimes, I guess I underestimated the seriousness. Bu luckily, they are better now. They are in a better position now. Another thing which startled me is that, my mom admit that sometimes she felt confused too, I mean in terms of sexuality. WTH RIGHT?? MY MOM CONFUSED ABOUT HER SEXUALITY TOO?  Which means before this what I suspect might be true? WTF

But knowing this, I felt more open and free to talk to my mom more. 

I am confused too, to be honest. I am still, sometimes confused. Sometimes I find myself admiring physique of females. I do imagine how it felt like to kiss a lips of a girl. I do still, want a girl from my past, T, who is my classmate for more than 3 years and she sat next to me for 2 years. I love her. I always do. Sometimes I still miss her. But, I never dare to tell her how I felt because we were about to graduate by then, and we went separate ways soon after. I haven’t been seeing her for some time. She is always the girl I wanted to be with. But that is the past already.    

Sexuality?

Hey dear. Or strangers. I hope someone in somewhere in this world will read about this. Tomorrow (or today) is pink shirt day. It’s for anti-homophobic movement. This makes me want to talk about something. Sexuality.

Truth.

I’ve never been in any relationship before and I’m an absolute virgin on everything whatsoever.

I can talk about sex and more sex all day with anyone (if appropriate or allowed) but in deep down I’m absolutely shy about all these. Talking just make me feeling less scary about this matter?

Simply, Theory : 1 Practical :0

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I was in a girl school where everyone talks about sex in crowd, indeed it is one of the best topic of all time. I never really into anyone but a girl who sat next to me for 2 years. She is decent, quiet and always  with a shoulder length ponytail. She is slightly taller than me and leaner than me. She is so much more athletic than me but I am smarter than her. We were just the opposite of each other. She always has this baby smell, probably because of her beauty products. She has prettier skin than mine although sometimes blemish but her cheek always go pinkish when she exercise. We’ve been supporting each other as we could. We talk about all shits. I’ve always look out for teacher when she wanted to nap in class. I used to watch her sleep in class. We got really close and comfortable. Sometimes when we chat while lying on the table, our head got so close that we could almost kissed.

Undeniable, I got attracted to her. Or we got attracted to one another I will never know. I know we got a thing but this might just be a period where it was highlight of my life but at the same time, it is filled with doubts. At that time, I thought of telling her how I feel. But I decided not because by then we were busy preparing for public examination. After that, we grow apart as we graduated. Those days were the days I doubt my sexuality. Even maybe now, today. When I think about her, I miss her. I still wanted to touch her. But these feelings never happened to me when I was with other girls. Probably just some one time thing. Yet, sometimes I’m still doubt with myself. Am I lesbian or what?

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I went to college for a level for 1.5 years. Throughout this period, I never really like anyone. Maybe some crushes but they are just some gossipy topic to pass time. But I do have the preference(fetish?)  for muscular guys. Perhaps something like Taylor Lautner will be nice. There was a guy. Jimmy(or GYMMY coz he always go to gym) he is a sexy, hot cheerleader slash blackbelt martial art guy slash future lawyer. Nothing could be sexier than him. I was momentarily obsess with him. He has this pure honey sweet voice that no one could compare. A nice guy with a sunshine smile. God he is so perfect. But one thing.  I’ve this thought that he would be gay. Yeah. Maybe it just some voodoo instinct but he is indeed gay at the end. I was half devastated, half disbelieved and half iknowmyself. I know I’m not sure since when, I have the tendency/a thing for gay men. They are such a pretty creatures. They are perfect. But seems like my fetish will only bring me bad karma. But I couldn’t help myself.

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Current situation- University level.

There is a guy. We stayed at the same dorm. Our life will never collide on each other if  my guy friend didn’t introduce him to me. We got closer as days goes by. It’s been nearly 5 months we knew each other.  I guessed he is gay at the beginning. I got really interested to know him because I’ll love to know a gay bff. But as we chat, dig in each other, he said he was bisexual. I said I was bisexual too because of the incident back in high school. We got even closer. We can talk about everything and anything.

One day I found his blog. He is into me. Yeah. I’m actually into him too. He started to become part of my life. When he’s happy, I can’t help myself to smile, when he’s sad, I’m moody too. I was so happy to have him around. (before he is into me I preemtively friendzoned him because I wasn’t thinking)

But things got a bit twisted as we both realize the reality. He has all his doubts. I guess he was confused all these time. He actually never believe in bisexuality. He is just trying to keep this open, unresolved. He questioned his own sexuality. He is also an absolute virgin in whatsoever. He did thought of experimenting.

I have my doubts. I probably love him with all my heart. But I couldn’t speak of the three words. I guess we both couldn’t. Until he got his answers. He could not return my love. I couldn’t ask him for more. We are now in this gray area where things got unresolved and things got twisted.

But I’m not sure how long I  can keep up with this. Sometimes it is just me being sad and I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t. I have to fake a smile, although I know he might be tortured inside too. I don’t know how to move on and I don’t want to go back either. But just standing here I’m not sure how long we can do this. I wanted to hold him so much. Tell him it’s fine. Everything will be just fine. But who will come to tell me ‘us’ is going to be just fine?

I’m just trapped in the middle and I have no where to go.

Someone, tell me how.