If you would set me free.

I am counting the days,

Tryin’ to keep my insanity at bay,

Your words might not bespeak,

Though I’m feeling at peace,

But my thoughts are the unruly freak,

Heart still throbbing for you,

Can’t stop looking for you,

Even I know you are not there,

Even I know I am not in your heart,

I would like you to tell me in my face,

If you would just set me free.

 

 

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Confession of love?

So… I met him over dinner meeting today and I gave him the present. The dinner was slightly weird because I was too overthinking and he was slightly quiet, I guess it’s hard to turn things around when we haven’t been talking/seeing each other for quite some time. *note: he recently started ‘bro’-ing me, which I hate it so much, I guess I’m the one who is in friend zone*

On the walk to MTR, I was a bit reluctant to talk about my family and emotion problems to him, but he was easy on me, distracted me with other topics as he saw me a bit, quiet. In the end, I find myself hard to talk to him about it, so I brushed it off. I have more important agenda. And I told him how I feel before we go our own ways at the MTR station, at the platform. My speech supposed to be at least 1 minute long but the nervousness turned it into a 15 seconds super speed confession.

“Do you remember that time I was in Shanghai and I came back early? Actually I wanted to come back and see you.”

He didn’t look surprised.

“And I realized I really like you.”

His face was on full-blown WTF look and we were both on panicked mood in the middle of the crowd, babbled. So I told him.

“We can not talk about this right now….. We can talk about this later.”

So I walked away. I know I need to go. As soon as I was on the train, he texted me.

Hey

Sorry about just now

I wasn’t prepare for a relationship thing

Need some time to think

Have a good night

I know. I was too much.

I understand, it’s too random

At this stage, I am feeling alright, glad, happy, and a gist of nervousness. Because, at least I have said it out loud, got it out of my chest after for more than 3 months.

 

Losing my flair.

On Friday, I was struggling again with myself. I am feeling stressed up with my study, my relationship with others and most of all, juggling with my own feelings and my mind. I had the idea that I need to talk to the sunrise guy, that I need to tell him how I feel. I can’t hang on to him anymore. I need to tell him exactly how I feel. I find myself losing touch on him. I find that we have this irreconcilable difference between us. And I am afraid. Terrified.

At first he said he couldn’t come out over the weekend because he has to work and training. I get that he was reluctant. He couldn’t spend time with me. But I was desperate. So I called him, because my feelings took over me.

I remember I was crying in the bathroom, trying to explain why I was crying. I am an idiot. I tried to tell him that what happened to my family. Something I never really told anyone other than my therapist and D. He tried to say the nice things. But he is not as good as D. At the end, he was willing to come and see me, on Monday night (his birthday), but I reluctantly rejected him because I have my volunteer duty, so we set on Wednesday. I shall tell him the truth.

Bad day. 

I don’t do well with myself. I don’t know what to do with myself if I am by myself. At least if I’m with someone I would know I need to do this, I need to do that, at least I would act as if I’m living my life like a normal person like I supposed to. This is some of the days I am feeling absolutely lost about myself.

Conversation with my inner child.

I start to wonder what is more left to dig, to discover, to uncover my unconscious.

I have figured out that my family is never gonna be the same and my parents are probably never gonna be the same.

I have accepted it, starting to embrace the fact as it is.

I had my days, good and bad.

But the insecurities.

The emotion. Still haunts me from time to time.

But I don’t know why.

I can’t think of the reasons for that.

I have reconciled my relationships with my parents.

I have admitted to the things that I wouldn’t really want to.

I have grown to love myself more than anything.

Still, emotions swallow me.

“Oh, little child, love, why are you crying? There is nothing that you have not known of.”

“I don’t know. I just want some love. Why people have to leave me?”

“They are not leaving, love, no one is leaving you, no one is going anywhere.”

“No one understands me. Why did no one understand how I feel? No one seems notices how I feel. ”

“People notice, your mom noticed it. Oh, little child. I know your dad knows it too. Some of your closest friends noticed it. You know you’re loved. You know you are. I know you feel alone. But how can anyone understand you when others never really understand themselves to begin with? Sometimes, you don’t know yourself very well too, isn’t it? Maybe it is like that. Maybe sometimes you have to let it be. We can never really understand ourselves, truly see through ourselves isn’t it?”

 

 

 

Growing old together?

Recently, I have been down and anxious and it makes my hands shaky without good reasons. Sometimes I’m just afraid, for no good reasons. So to cope with it, I started doodling, sometimes mandala style sometimes just randomly. Just to takes my mind off, keeps my hands steady.

On Monday, I called my therapist because I can’t get myself together and I really need to talk to someone and Sunday’s conversation with D didn’t do the job. D was sobbing about his guilt of losing all of his friends back here in HK. I can empathize with him and I just want to convince that he is doing just fine. But I can’t talk to him about my matters, my relationship with this guy. I just can’t bring myself to do that. At the end, I called my therapist for a full 40 minutes. I cried and cried. My feelings washed me up real hard. I went back to the old me again. That person who wants to talk to someone that she loves when she is vulnerable or having some sorts of trouble. The Savior complex. The overflow of insecurities that stems from god knows where. I have to constantly remind myself. Sometimes I should keep some things to myself. My therapist has been telling me that I can’t control or foresee what others’ might have been thinking. Of course, from the conversation I had with her, I have been consuming myself with trying to think what are his possible thoughts, try to run through every possible outcome, overanalyses everything. It’s not good for me, of course. I have to stop myself all together.

On Monday night I have this overnight duty at the call center that rendered me unable to sleep for the whole night- I was on 3 to 8am shift, but I was able to salvage my day with a 9-11am nap. Overall, I have been slightly elated but chill for the whole day. I have to admit I have been experiencing some flashes of him on and off. Like I could actually visualizing him with me, doing something together, kissing my lips, holding me close. Or flashes of scene growing old together. These images come to me easily at the back of my mind and I can’t seem to stop them. And I’m not fighting back. They calm me down in a weird sense. And I’m not too sure what to do with it or what to do with myself. Am I dreaming too hard?

I want to love you but I don’t know how.

Dear TH my sunrise boy,

I don’t like the way we are heading to. I don’t like the way you make me feel about myself recently. I feel invalidated, insignificant, bothersome. The way you ignore me, you made me question myself, I ask myself what am I to you? I ask myself whether I am worthy or not. Who are you? I don’t know you anymore, or do I ever know you?  I don’t like that. I know better. I know I am a better person than I used to and I don’t like feeling like a rut because of your inactions or certain actions. I realized, I like you a lot when you left HK to Malaysia and I went to Shanghai. The time where I can’t see you, I felt absolutely horrible and I missed you so badly, and the fact that I actually changed to an earlier flight back to HK just because I want to see you.  And I thought we had a thing. Apparently, it’s a foolish thought. How much I miss that cute boy who makes me laugh, blush and smile. I have my doubts. I don’t think I’m ever good enough for you. I tried, I struggled, I tried to understand, I tried to be good, I tried to be patient, I tried to take in, I tried to tip my toes ’cause I’m just so scared I’ll hurt you. But in the end, I have to pick myself up. I feel so alone and afraid about the whole thing. After all, I can’t catch your intriguing mind. I want to love you, but I don’t know how. At the end of the day, I need to love myself better.

Love,

Mingzz

How much do I like him?

He stood me out again, the usual boss asked him to OT on weekends. Why am I not surprised? Somehow my gut feeling is more accurate than the weather forecast. I knew, he’ll bail out last moment. I thought we could finally eat something nice tomorrow and finally have a talk like normal humans do. I really yearn to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. But nope. Stood me out again.

At this moment, I’m feeling a moment of clarity. And numb. But I can feel the chill on my skin. Not too sure whether it is really the cold or just me feeling numb about the whole situation.

Somewhere along the messages he stopped replying after I asked him “Are you okay?” It was a kind gesture. But he just went incognito and I still can see him on and off online in FB or WhatsApp. So what’s his deal? I have no idea. Do I want to know? If the feeling is both ways? I asked myself. Who the hell I am? Why am I keep hurting myself? It just not fair isn’t it? It’s not enough. I’m not enough, apparently. 

But I’m okay. To which, I was later sitting at my table by the windows, holding my hands in prayer, I was praying to myself. Talking to myself again. Praying for strength that I can never have. My mom always said that my power is my endurance. But how long would I wait? How much could I take?  I need nurture, love and care too.  And I could be investing on someone who is just not going to reciprocate. Is it worth the risks and time and effort? Because every time it happens, I get tired, I get wary. It makes me wonder, just how much do I like him?