I am counting the days,
Tryin’ to keep my insanity at bay,
Your words might not bespeak,
Though I’m feeling at peace,
But my thoughts are the unruly freak,
Heart still throbbing for you,
Can’t stop looking for you,
Even I know you are not there,
Even I know I am not in your heart,
I would like you to tell me in my face,
If you would just set me free.
So much pain that I can take, physically and mentally.
It’s there, don’t you see?
Leave me hanging down at the edge.
It’s always the sweats, there always be struggles.
Feels like a stranger, feels like an alien.
Feels like an impostor, feels like a creep.
Feels like the shadow, feels like no one.
Feels inadequate, feels useless.
I don’t know who I am.
You’re thinking and I’m not breathing.
You see so much in me and I’m hardly believing.
You’re convinced of things I don’t think I’m.
You’re so much more even you might not see it.
You’re the one who are so much that I hardly comprehend and fathom even I tried while you said I am the one is hard to catch.
Even so, your soul is lovely and your heart is gold, most beautiful I have ever met.
Even so, I’m crippled by my own fears, thoughts.
You’re the good in my life but my worst fear too.
I’m afraid I let you come too close I’ll get burnt again.
So I went for an expressive art class today and I cracked, as usual, just like 8 months ago, when I first attended creative art class as credit-course in my university.
I broke down by the end of the class. Same old. Same old. I thought. We had movement therapy, paper-tearing, abstract art work, drawing, then ends with writing a story/haiku.
And I wrote this based on my abstract arts.
Memories like fragments
Crumbles like leftover biscuits
Like a merry-go-round
What are you?
I’m the dust in search of wind to bring me home
Where is home?
I’ll bring you home.
I cracked when I read it to my partner(the facilitator, Pearl) and I choked at ‘Where is home?’ and my eyes swelled up and burst. I swear I tried to compose myself the whole session, I tried to distance myself and keep my feelings on track, not to cry because I don’t want to cry in front of strangers. And I failed myself. Pearl held me at my arm and tried to guides me, feels my body, let my body guides me. And she asked me to say the final sentence.
“I’ll bring you home.”
“Can you say it three times?”
Reluctantly, with my choking voice.
“I’ll bring you home. I’ll bring you home. I’ll bring you home.”
Bring me home.
When the night falls
The world hushes, clarity hits, equanimity caresses
Beasts tamed, mind mellows
Only left with the whispers and grace of the nymphs
We rule the town, we rule the night
We are the kings of the night, there is no other
But we are just little blips in the dead of night
Till the dawn, slumber kicks, till next time.
Till next dusk, till, again.