On Friday, I was struggling again with myself. I am feeling stressed up with my study, my relationship with others and most of all, juggling with my own feelings and my mind. I had the idea that I need to talk to the sunrise guy, that I need to tell him how I feel. I can’t hang on to him anymore. I need to tell him exactly how I feel. I find myself losing touch on him. I find that we have this irreconcilable difference between us. And I am afraid. Terrified.
At first he said he couldn’t come out over the weekend because he has to work and training. I get that he was reluctant. He couldn’t spend time with me. But I was desperate. So I called him, because my feelings took over me.
I remember I was crying in the bathroom, trying to explain why I was crying. I am an idiot. I tried to tell him that what happened to my family. Something I never really told anyone other than my therapist and D. He tried to say the nice things. But he is not as good as D. At the end, he was willing to come and see me, on Monday night (his birthday), but I reluctantly rejected him because I have my volunteer duty, so we set on Wednesday. I shall tell him the truth.