I want to love you but I don’t know how.

Dear TH my sunrise boy,

I don’t like the way we are heading to. I don’t like the way you make me feel about myself recently. I feel invalidated, insignificant, bothersome. The way you ignore me, you made me question myself, I ask myself what am I to you? I ask myself whether I am worthy or not. Who are you? I don’t know you anymore, or do I ever know you?  I don’t like that. I know better. I know I am a better person than I used to and I don’t like feeling like a rut because of your inactions or certain actions. I realized, I like you a lot when you left HK to Malaysia and I went to Shanghai. The time where I can’t see you, I felt absolutely horrible and I missed you so badly, and the fact that I actually changed to an earlier flight back to HK just because I want to see you.  And I thought we had a thing. Apparently, it’s a foolish thought. How much I miss that cute boy who makes me laugh, blush and smile. I have my doubts. I don’t think I’m ever good enough for you. I tried, I struggled, I tried to understand, I tried to be good, I tried to be patient, I tried to take in, I tried to tip my toes ’cause I’m just so scared I’ll hurt you. But in the end, I have to pick myself up. I feel so alone and afraid about the whole thing. After all, I can’t catch your intriguing mind. I want to love you, but I don’t know how. At the end of the day, I need to love myself better.



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