How much do I like him?

He stood me out again, the usual boss asked him to OT on weekends. Why am I not surprised? Somehow my gut feeling is more accurate than the weather forecast. I knew, he’ll bail out last moment. I thought we could finally eat something nice tomorrow and finally have a talk like normal humans do. I really yearn to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. But nope. Stood me out again.

At this moment, I’m feeling a moment of clarity. And numb. But I can feel the chill on my skin. Not too sure whether it is really the cold or just me feeling numb about the whole situation.

Somewhere along the messages he stopped replying after I asked him “Are you okay?” It was a kind gesture. But he just went incognito and I still can see him on and off online in FB or WhatsApp. So what’s his deal? I have no idea. Do I want to know? If the feeling is both ways? I asked myself. Who the hell I am? Why am I keep hurting myself? It just not fair isn’t it? It’s not enough. I’m not enough, apparently. 

But I’m okay. To which, I was later sitting at my table by the windows, holding my hands in prayer, I was praying to myself. Talking to myself again. Praying for strength that I can never have. My mom always said that my power is my endurance. But how long would I wait? How much could I take?  I need nurture, love and care too.  And I could be investing on someone who is just not going to reciprocate. Is it worth the risks and time and effort? Because every time it happens, I get tired, I get wary. It makes me wonder, just how much do I like him?

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