Okay with not being okay.

I feel like I’m hanging on a wire, dangling. I don’t have a choice, do I? The weekend has been rough on me. It has been a long weekend holiday (mid-autumn) and originally we planned to go to hiking on Sunday, but apparently he has to work on Sunday too, so it got cancelled at wee hours. I was slightly pissed, and sad. The thought of spending such family holiday alone is just devastating, pathetic. So I asked instead of hiking, how about just have a dinner at the night of Mid-autumn meal together at night, apparently he has to meet some old friends. But at the end, I spent my night with my brother, cousin and friends. So it wasn’t so bad. At the end, (out of guilt, I think) he asked about whether I can do a Monday night dinner. I was ecstatic at that time, because I really want to see him. I agreed immediately, then later found out I have volunteer duty at that night.  Alright,  and I proceed struggled to find a replacement with someone else and I did. Yesterday night I was all too happy, finally I can see him tomorrow.

But this morning (Monday), I have some uneasy feelings. He later at noon, messaged me about his boss asking him to work (it’s technically holiday today). I was left on my own device again. Again and again. Throwing myself back and forth, toying my feelings. Promises and no promises. It makes me so small so small. Of course, I acted as if nothing in front of him, it’s alright, everything is alright, I’m alright I’m okay with everything that happened. I’m feeling emotionally-draining and I have to learn to be okay with not being okay. I have to constantly tell myself it’s okay it’s okay but I feel like a kid that deprived of something that is essential to life. I don’t know what am I doing and how long I can last. It robs away my sanity.

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