Silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you call it. It hurts me. It hurts my ego. It bruises my confidence. It wrecks my heart. It messes my mind. But I am much composed than I ever been. I put up my bitch face and tried to brush off every questions my friends have. I have to. I have to put on my I don’t give a fuck face. I have to. That is my one last straw of dignity.
Why am I not with anyone? I’m probably too fucked up to be with anyone. Too burnt, too worn, like a bread crumbs, like dusts. Literally everyone I know is with someone, at least that is what happened to my roomie and my best friends here. I’m literally the only one left out. I could be a professional third wheeler. Really. That leads me to being utterly self-conscious about me as a being. Should I be loved? Am I worthy of love? I came to this conclusion everyday. It hurts. To the point where I just don’t want to care about anyone anymore. I want to hide away from the world. I don’t want to trust anyone anymore. I don’t want to feel them anymore. I don’t want to be hurt, to be disappointed again and again.
And what happens now? I don’t know. Do I want to know the truth?
“Who says truth is, beauty after all? And who says love should break us when we fall?”- Let it all go by Rhodes and Birdy
I’m feeling utterly useless, frail and my mind is shunning me again. Not the negative self-talk again.