Another letter to my therapist.

Dear Heidi,

It’s me again. I didn’t sleep well after that email, but it did straighten my thoughts for a bit.  Guess what? Today, I went for a tarot cards reading. I got the news that Sunrise guy would be away again (now he’s in Malaysia) and I’m in Shanghai, going back to HK tomorrow and somehow, by the time he comes back to HK, I’ll be in Malaysia. We both would be in Malaysia for a day only. Somehow the timing is so awful, I can only be speechless.  I guess the earliest time I would see him gonna be in 3 weeks. I was slightly upset. Because I planned to talk to him when I go back to HK, tell him how I feel for the last couple of months. I was upset because things suddenly boil down to nothing and I felt that when things dragged so long, I can’t take this. So I had a spur of the moment, I went for tarot reading (it costs me 100rmb for 15 minutes, hole in my wallet), I felt like I need something to soothe my soul for a bit. I’m the sceptic type so no worries. But the readings were, somehow hit the points; pretty much what I expected and predicted. In short, the reading said outcome of me telling how I feel won’t be good, and if I must do, I should mentally prepare myself. It’s bleaky and I knew it.

I was alone later at night, on my way back to hostel, I messaged my mom and I asked her whether she heard about tarot stuffs and somehow my mom’s bff knew tarots and she figured I would be interested to have her helps me to do a tarot reading too. I think somewhere along the message I cried in public, for the first time in months. I don’t remember why I cried at the first place. I tried to hold myself back, but it was hard. And I was choking at the next moment. I was puzzled and it was really silly. I don’t like this keeps happening to me.

Evey

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