How are you doing, Heidi? I guess I’m writing this as to arrange my thoughts. This is my 21st days in Shanghai. I am officially bored, tired, and dreadful if not weary enough. My 22nd birthday was lonely, but I wasn’t intent to celebrate or tell anyone here anyway. The city is boring, too big and polluted that I feel repugnant. The bed is hard as hell, and I haven’t been sleeping well since I got here. I guess the weariness accumulates to this point, where I am hardly productive at my study (I go to the classes and participated actively, but I decided I don’t want to do the homework, as they won’t affect my grades in HKU anyway and be ‘outlaw’ for once XD, while I have difficulty to concentrate on my thesis proposal for my FYP at HKU) and every morning I felt as if I haven’t been slept at all.
I don’t like spending time with the friends I made here, so most of the time I spent by myself in school café, or I went on wander in the city by my own. Don’t get me wrong, I like being alone here, because I feel weary constantly spending time with a huge group of people. It felt energy draining and I really enjoy the solitude (I guess this is where I can feel my introversion is working). And given all of the time I have here, almost doing nothing, my mind starts wander, think, messing around with all the probable possibilities when I get back to Hong Kong. I start thinking of many enticing propositions. Like for instance, confess how I feel for him, Sunrise guy, when I get back to HK. I think this idea somehow stems from my own, as there was once I had a convo with a friend and she is struggling with a guy she likes. I told her without hesitation “you have nothing to lose”. I guess those words really left an imprint in my mind. Just what if I tell him how I feel, what’s the worst anyway? And these thoughts really burn in the back of my mind since then. I can’t wait to leave Shanghai, and go back to HK. I even changed my original return ticket so I can get back earlier, because there is nothing much in Shanghai for me anyway. And those thoughts, include possible outcomes, how am I going to make the speech?, what would be his reactions toward my feelings?, how does he feel for me right now? etc.. They keep me awake, and even in my sleep, I can’t stop thinking. I literally worrying about the probable and the improbable future. I guess overthinking and pessimism are in my vein, my strong suits.
I don’t know, I haven’t been stop thinking about Sunrise guy since I got here, and somehow the thought of D kinda vanished. The other day before I came to SH, I told D “I have been seeing someone” through skype. We didn’t talk more, because after that he sorta blatantly hanged-up because of bad reception. I guess the whole point of me telling him that is, I want to close that chapter. And I did. And I moved on.
I don’t know what’s going to happen after this email, but I do hope I can get some quality sleep tonight.