How I’ve been feeling lately.

Complicated. Conflicted.

This guy, sunrise guy, we’ve been sorta dating, I haven’t been seeing him since last Thursday dinner as our plans have been ruined repetitively over the weekends. I’ve to admit, I do miss him a bit. I do. I really do. I’m feeling a bit lusty and I admit want to be showered with attention. I yearn to be loved. I want to be cared. I thirst for someone. He triggers my yearns to dependent on someone, hoping that he could takes away my existential loneliness. The yearning to be with someone really growing again, and this is bad. This is scary. I think it’s almost a transference. This is unhealthy and I hate myself for it. I need to get my shits together. I don’t want to make the same mistake (with D, I was in rut for more than a year) again with this guy.

It really makes me sad and feeling pathetic with myself. It makes me thinking whether I’m worthy of being loved. I don’t think this is healthy at all. It could put my self-confidence into rut and now, I don’t want to get it even lower. It’s so painful and insufferable.


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