Letter to my therapist and convo with D.




So I called D today. Nothing special but as you can see the convo above after we talked. He hasn’t replied me. And I just sent an email to my therapist.

Dear therapist, 

I hope you’re enjoying the Easter holiday. I was reluctant in writing you this email, but I guess I have to because I have nowhere to turn to. 
I just got off a conversation with D over viber. Twice actually, abruptly. His dad was calling him(twice in between our convo) so I have to get myself off so he can talk to his dad. We were chatting over random stuffs and ruminating about our recent life/failures (we both had hard times with interviews lately. ), as usual, and tried to convince each other we will be fine, forget about it and move on. But at the end of the call, it doesn’t feel good after I called him and I’m not too sure what to do with myself. 
The feelings of emptiness and sadness. And I start thinking I haven’t been talking to my dad. I haven’t got my summer planned out. And things have been disappointing. I joined a couple of stuffs, a meditation meeting, went out to beach on Saturday, movie on Sunday. But overall, I don’t feel so much fun. I don’t remember when the last time I feel genuinely happy.
Sorry I’m off track a bit. So after the call, I feel awful, then the usual, I cried my eyes out. I thought if I call him I will feel better, even just a bit. It didn’t and it’s awful. He supposed to be the coping mechanism. It didn’t take away my problems or his problems and god I think I am adding to his list of problems. 
And the thought of postponing my life came to me, it occurs to me, I might have tried to postponing my life, retracting myself from doing anything or be with anyone. I don’t know what makes me feel better anymore. 
PS, I do not have a plan to kill myself if you’re worried. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out. 

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