31 January 2015, Saturday 4.32pm.
Here I am, sitting in the cubicle somewhere in the corner of my school library. Terrified, jittery. Last night, I was urged to message D in a stern, almost emotionless manner. Because I don’t have a choice. I quit being a nice person and that person has used up all of my patient on waiting him to take any actions. He has pushed all of my buttons and left me at the edge of desperation. I’m very desperate and no way I’m going to deny that. But soon after I messaged him, I felt instant regret. I gave in to my temptations again. I have better self-control than this. I thought.
Now I’m struggling to study. Again. My brain is messed up with thoughts of possible conversations that we going to have later today at 8pm HKT. And I couldn’t think of anything. I haven’t been talking to him for nearly 3 months and I really lost track of him. This thought really gives me chill and I’m terrified. I’m not too sure where should we begin our conversations. What should we talk about? What topics? Chimpanzee? His bad mandarin accent? My Taiwan trip? His family? My family? My psychological states? My meetings with my counselor? His new life there? His new friends there? UK’s culture? HK’s umbrella movement? Chinese New Year? His birthday? Where should I begin with? There are so many, many things that I want to talk to him, but I don’t know where to start with. It’s terrifying. I can feel that I’m nervous about our upcoming conversation. It’s almost like I’m going into an interview very soon. I can’t believe that I’ve lived through the days without him. Without sharing those little things with him. I can’t believe how many days I went through by having phantom fantasy conversations with him.
Then again. Things have changed. He changed. I changed. D is not D anymore. What I once loved, might not be the same person anymore. And he is the illusion I craved and creation of mine.
So what are we going to talk about later? I seriously have no idea.
Anxiety level (on the scale of 1 to 10): 7
1 February 2015, Sunday 1.02am
It didn’t take away my anxiety even after talking to D. Well, we talked about almost two hours. The details were boring and the internet connection wasn’t so good either. He seems okay, slightly fatter, fatigue.
It just feel indifferent. Maybe I was looking for a magic cure from him. Maybe I want something that could ease my pain, and my anxiety. After the conversation, I returned to my seat and continue to burry myself with pages of textbook. With my anxiety level, I could barely concentrate, but I need to get through it.
Later when I got back home, during shower, I felt better. Elated, to be correct. It’s really odd. At the same time, reflecting how fuck up I am. I have no idea what makes me feeling better. It’s almost like having borderline personality disorder. I must regain my control. I need to find an answer to this.