Letter(s) to D, as instructed by my therapist.

So as instructed by my counselor, I need to write D a letter about his inaction and how I feel about it.

31 January 2015

Dear D,

I’ve no idea what went wrong. I knew you will never keep your promises but is it so much to ask for you to call me back? I don’t know how you did it. You just left like that. Like nothing really matter to you anymore. How little I’m matter to you. I never heard from you anymore. We never talk anymore. How selfish you’re. You used to told me that you knew plenty of people in university but I’m a friend that you truly made. But what is happening now? Tell me. What went wrong? Did I do something wrong that you want to punish me by ignoring me?

—–

The things that I couldn’t tell you.

You were always the coping mechanism. Losing you is like losing a limb. I felt handicapped.

I am left with emotions that no one to share with. The joys, the tears, the pain. No one is telling me I will be okay.

Because everyday I wake up in the morning and I feeling terrible and misery and yet there is no one I can tell.

The nights where I feel tight chest and anxious and insomnia, I have no idea what to do with myself but to cry myself to sleep, hoping that will make the anxiety away.

I want you to know that I am in pain but I can never tell you that. I always blatantly saying I am fine.

I don’t want to put the burden on you. Somehow I always want to put up a happy face in front of you although I know I am not fine.

I am not fine. 

____

8 February 2015, 11.59pm

I give you too much power. That day when you mentioned about you tend to be passive aggressive to people. No doubt I agree with you. If I could, I would have dig you out repetitively on your face. By then I will be a nosy annoying nagging bitch. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to pick a fight that I know I will lose. In the end, I feel bad about myself because of what you didn’t do. I blame myself for nothing. I can’t believe how much hell you’ve put me through. Or the hell I put myself through. Forgive is what I do. But when forgive consumes me, I don’t know what to do with myself. In turn, I want to be passive aggressive too. But what is the point? You never care and you never change anyway.

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