So I went to see my university counselor for the 4th time. I was slightly jittery before meeting her. I even came out with a list of stuffs I wanted to talk to her. Silly, isn’t it? Because I don’t want to waste my biweekly meeting with her. 50 minutes simply do no justice to my predicaments. I need to get them out of my system ASAP.
Today is pretty productive. We started off discussing about my mood last week and weeks back then. Before we even start, she automatically took out the waste bin. “I know you will need it later.” She gets me. I guess I am the emotional, cry baby type. “Yeah I know.” It’s almost ritualistic but I feel better after I cry, and there is no way I can talk straight out those sensitive topics without touching my emotional side.
I spent adequate amount of time complaining to her about D and how his inaction makes me feel. We did a little role play. But I couldn’t make myself scolding D, roleplayed by my therapist, no matter how upset I am. That’s not how D and I work. Then later I mentioned that I want to send birthday gift to D, while I am split between the prank glitter boom or a t-shirt. We did have a good laugh about the idea of prank glitter, but because of my tendency of self-blaming, self-hatred and guilt-ridden person, she warned me to think thrice before making a decision and think of the possible (bad or good) consequences.
One thing she mentioned that the possible reason that he is ignoring me is that he is homesick that, any communication with the past will make him miss home. That’s why he is so inaction. She might be right and I nodded.
She also dug around, wonder if I am seeing anyone. I brushed off because I know I have attachment issues. I am not lovable blah blah blah. I also blatantly mentioned about how I feel about queer guys. I told her that I have the tendency of liking gay guys. She is slightly curious about it and decided that we can work on that too, work on my personal identity. Towards the end, we decided to work on two topics: my emotional attachment/fuck up relationship with D and my personal identity for this semester. She also gave me a homework. Write a letter to D, about the things I want to confront him, his inaction. Of course, she repetitively warned me never send it to him but bring it to next session. I nodded. I know what to do. And as my problem with D is more imminent, we decide to work on that first. We’ll see.