Forgive me. Things have been in impasse and if you have read about Irvin Yalom’s book Every Day Gets a Little Closer, I’ll be the Ginny. But this time I’ll be having a fantasy conversation with my therapist, as below.
Me: Why D is not making the initiative to call me back? I’ve been very very patient with him and he’s really burning at the back of my head. It’s really taking a toll on me. He’s….non-doing is killing me.
Therapist: When did you last contacted him?
Me: Almost 10 days ago. I messaged him, He said he was still busy with projects. Which is a lie. I’ve messaged him twice, but rejected twice. I was hoping that he’ll call me back soon but I kept waiting, hoping but that didn’t happen. I just wait and wait like a fool. I haven’t been talking to him for more than 2 months. And there is nothing I can do about it.
Therapist: It appears to me something is gong on. I can sense a lot of anger, resentment, and maybe frustrations. What do you want to talk to him about?
Me: You know, everything. We used to talk about everything and now he just shut me out completely and I’m not too sure what to do with myself.
Therapist: Do you see yourself dependent on him? Emotionally?
Me: Maybe…. Yes.
Therapist: How do you deal with your feelings all these time? I meant during his absentee. How did you manage to compose yourself?
Me: No. I’m not doing well. I felt more emotional. I felt isolated and alone and nobody cared about me. I just ended up crying for the wrong reasons….. or no good reasons.
Therapist: Does it helps? The crying? Other than that what did you do?
Me: Nothing. There is nothing I can do. I just get emo the whole day. I’m still amazed that how much he can do to me, well. his not doing doing to me.
Therapist: So have you thought of what are you going to do about this?
Me: Kill myself? I felt like nothing. I’m nothing to him anyway. To anyone.
Therapist: We had our agreement, remember?
Me: Yes. And I’m not dead and sitting right in front of you.
I don’t know how to keep the conversation gong and now I’m too pissed and upset about everything.