If everything needs explanation or reason, I should figure out my life with explanations and reasons too.
I need D. The only reason I keep going back to him or throwing myself at him is that he makes me feel good every time I got into a bad place. Because I have nowhere/no one else to go to. Because when my life got miserable, he was there. When I reached rock bottom, he was there. And now, he is so far away that I have to deal with myself all alone. That is painful to me. He has the leash on me that when he left, I lost my sense of direction.
I’m the little fox in the story of Le Petit Prince and he is the little prince. He tamed me and when he left, I’m the lost cause. And now, with him not calling me back after more than a week, and I asked him again yesterday (a blow at my self-respect) and he said he is still busy. Confused, feeling fucked up because it just reflected me as the problematic, psychotic or a crazy bitch. Maybe I am. But I need him like a drug to soothes my mind and heart. I just need him.
Nevertheless, he is so out of reach and I need to settle things on my own. I’m not used to that and I need to work on this with my counselor.