If given a choice, I will actually end my life. But I promised my therapist, my friends and families (I made a pack with my friends and families in my heart, never verbally, and I don’t think they ever know I went there-that deep before).
My life is not that pathetic, to be honest. The warm sunshine shines into my room through the narrow slightly opened window gap. They are beautiful, they really do. Like little angels shining their halo over me. I am just, sitting right on the corner of my bed in the shadow; in the same pajamas I wore three days earlier. I slept for more than 10 hours for 3 days straight. I never been sleeping so much for almost a month.
My days in Taiwan were discipline, everyday is filled with new excitement and new people that I never have to feel alone and bored. I was constantly preoccupied with something, or someone. I was never with my thoughts and my mind during my days in Taiwan. I was free. Free from my own taunting, demon-ish thoughts. It doesn’t has a name yet, but it only speaks in English.
Some said that different language embodies different personality. I do believe that now when I experienced it myself firsthand. And I’m not doing so well when I’m with my English inner voice (let’s call it V, to make everything easier). V has this negative side of me, and the creative (and writing) side. Therefore, losing V is not a choice. I can only accept and embrace V. So completely shunning V is a ridiculous idea. It is me.
V is me.
Most of all it’s lonely. I’m lonely. Whenever I am V I’m just lonely. Because nobody is talking the same language as I do. That one person I knew just went away so far he is just so out of reach. I met another guy[or guys, another speaks in Mando, he is Malaysian and he is way too young] on my trip, but it was brief, that’s all.
And when I got back here in Hong Kong, things fall back into place again. I’m no different than the person before I left Hong Kong. It’s all the same. I’m the same person. Nothing has changed. I’m the same shitty person and I’m still feeling terrible about myself.
So, it seems like traveling solo didn’t makes me better. I’m just here back to where I am. Back to zero. And the thought of ending my life is hitting me again.