Yesterday I called D out of the blue. I was in the lab and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I messaged him, saying I wanted to talk to him. It took me some time to find a right place in school and I ended up sitting at the carpeted corridor, as I couldn’t bear standing the cold outside.
It was difficult to talk to him through skype with the background sound. I could barely hear him well and I bet he can barely hear me. I told him my encounter with my therapist and my recent condition where I cry like a baby numerous time in counseling classes (and uncountable times in public).
Admitting my emotions are difficult and slightly scary. It was difficult to explains how I feel because they are simply my feelings, my emotions and they are all inside me. They are all in my mind and belongs to me. Nobody sees it, nobody hears it, nobody can tell. They are, me.
He didn’t say much, he just gave me a little demure-ish smile, as if he felt the same, and empathized me like my therapist’s face whenever I talk to her. He did, shared some of his feelings about his family, his sisters, and his (slightly) dysfunctional interactions with his parents.
And I realized, we are not as different. My interactions with my family haven’t been, good. My absentee hasn’t been helpful. I just keep on dragging, ignoring my dad’s skype call, blocking out everything. He felt trapped too, just as what I felt.
Besides, I tried to convince him to go to a therapist too. He is as usual, nonchalantly pushes things away.
I’m not too sure what is the point of calling him at that moment I was hoping that he could ease my pain. But the truth is it doesn’t really do much.
At this lonely night, I am here staring at the clock again.
1.58am. I need some relief. And love.