An anticipated change, but I’m not ready for it.

The 7th of October, 2014. I officially become an aunt. A 21-years-old auntie.

I already anticipated this for months now, but my heart wasn’t prepare for this. I don’t know my sister in-law that well. Because I wasn’t home all these time. And the baby came before marriage, everything was so rush and I wasn’t part of anything. I am out of the picture. And the baby did came. He is adorable I must admit.

I find myself crying as I walk back from school. I needed time alone to cry but unfortunately my roomie was home earlier than I thought. Hiding away my tears is not a easy one.

I wondered. Why I cry? Am I missing out too much already? Or I wasn’t ready for the change in my family structure, with two new addition to my nuclear family, it felt foreign and alienating. Is it the time where my family breaks down, or building up without me? What is my family dynamics gonna be like in future? Where do I stand? I wouldn’t say I am very close to my parents but we are fine I guess. Last week I had a little fight with my dad and this week he just nonchalantly talk to me again. I don’t know how things work. I don’t know how any of these works.

From what I see, my families are complete in such, my elder brother got his fiance and a baby, my parents have each others, and my second brother has a quality girlfriend that I like very much. And that leaves me the only one.  I’m the lone wolf. It doesn’t get much lonelier than this. And I am not much prettier or talented or anything. And my cousin is getting married. The whole marriage and baby thingy come in time when I get back Malaysia next week. I am stressful enough with my personal problems and studies.

Too much of contemplation and reflections on my life recently sometimes it gets out of hand. Maybe I am indeed experiencing quarter-life crisis. I have this existential vacuum that life is what? What is the meaning of life? I don’t know.

The changes in life. The impermanence in life. Am I prepare for this?

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