The story of me. And him.
I don’t think he has the most attractive look. But he’s smile always blew me away.
For the last two weeks, he has been staying in my apartment as he is wrapping up his work. He is leaving. Every morning, he sets like a million alarm but snooze a thousand times. Sometimes I hate the sound of his alarm. It just reminds me that he has to leave to work. And yes, sometimes I woke up just before he leaves the door and I’ll greet him with bye or good luck in my worst morning hair/face, and as always, I can barely see his face properly as I didn’t wear my specs. The only thing I see is his silhouette or his blurry face. Or just sometimes he whispers goodbye to me. It’s those little things that is keeping me from going, surviving the day. Sometimes just before I leave the door and he still in bed, he will just sneak his head out of his sheets, look at me with eyes wide open, and say goodbye to me. I do want to go to him and plant a little kiss at his cheek. I want to do that so much but I have to control myself.
We are friends. Good friends that is just not in relationship. We’ve been there. Talked about it. Cleared the smoke in the air. But still, those desires sometimes it’s hard to control. There was one day I panicked and called my bff in Malaysia because I wanted to have someone in my life that I can go to, who I can go home to and hold him, touch him, caress him gently as he is mine I want to have someone that I can share my bits of life with. Someone that could satisfy my desires to be touch, loved and cared. The images of him in my mind seems to be difficult for me. He has been spending some time with me alone in my apartment and those thoughts just like a fantasy, like a dream that probably will never come true. The dream that I woke up to the sun shining from the window, seeing him still sound asleep with his peaceful face without the wrinkles on his forehead. Just like a baby. I admit a few times, I did try to study his face while he was asleep at midnight or early morning when I had some episodes of insomnia. And I hear his snoring, not those hardcore type. But just those low pitch hums that means that he is asleep. I’m not too sure but he is fast asleep and I am kinda not that type or maybe just I slept far too much as compared to him. No the thing is, it is somewhat peaceful to hear that. I felt safe actually.
Last Saturday he admitted to me he is actually depressed. He is actually feeling the need to start fresh. I haven’t been seeing him so raw and honest to me for quite some time now. And this time he actually did cried. I wanted to cry so badly too and I went across the table to just give him a little hug but he just blatantly pushes me away. Later he was trying to save his face by keep repeating the mantra I’m okay, please really I’m fine. This is just me being stressed out. If anything, this was the first time shed his tears in front of me. He is very confused and messed up. Because going to London could means that he has to rake up loans that he probably has the hard time to pay back and maybe even going there won’t change a thing. It might not change his mood. His depression. Everything is a gamble. I don’t have a word for him. I want him go yet I don’t want him to go. He has to go for his good. I cannot be selfish.
“I hate you have to go, you know.”
Sometimes he just try to convince me that he might not go given there is still very small percent that he couldn’t go due to the financial reasons and visa problems. But I know, he wants to leave this place so badly. That really makes me feel bad a bit because in deep down, we grew close together because I couldn’t find my place too here in Hong Kong. Life can be weird. I found when I first came back from Nepal, I felt like a shit. I grew hate for this place that I used to love. I told D way before he told me he is leaving soon. And that feeling stayed in me for quite a week till I got used to it. And then, D told me he is leaving. That makes this place even hollow and empty as ever. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know where should I belong to. I don’t know where my heart wants to settle. I don’t know where is my home. Hearing him and seeing him so hyped when he showed me where is he going to live in the future when he is in London, I joined the fun with him exploring London in the Google map (sounds so dumb you know), spoke like a British. There is so much joy in him when he was thinking about his future there and I was too, so happy for him and even asked him to get me autographs of my favorite singers and bands and both of our fav, Kodaline.
The future is so bleak and empty and hollow and there is no us. There is somewhere along the line that he said it repetitively that he will not come back to Hong Kong. He must well if he feels happy there, find a job there and settle down there and never ever come back. And me just hearing that repetitively trying to convince myself I am okay with that.
Losing your best friend like that just wasn’t too sure how to feel. Losing your love of your life like that just breaks you a little inside out. Knowing that this less than a month will be the last and you might not see him anymore again just makes you wants to cry in private, with your hands shiver so hard that you had some hard time time type the words into this article.
Again. Therefore, I am trying everyday, trying to make the perfect moments for us. I am trying to preserve the moments that we have now. Today might be the last day he will be here in my apartment. And I waiting everyday hoping that will want to stay one more day. Hoping that he will just lingers here for just a bit more. Just a bit more. And I cannot stop him from going away, Finding his place, his happiness in this world because he deserves it and I shouldn’t be the one who stop him from looking for what he wants. I cannot stop him from spreading his wings and finds himself.
He will always be my love but not mine to keep. And my heart will always with him. Fly, my dear.