When shit happens, shit happens.
For the last two weeks,D has been staying at my apartment as he was kicked out by the dorm. The first week it was three of us, me, him and another roomie/bff. And this week is just me and him as bff KY has her parents visiting her in occasion of her 21st birthday. So yeah leaving just me and him. And nothing happened except that he broke a bed frame by his ass by accident * no one will believe this but this is a true story. He is busy juggling with job, study, tutoring and… shit.
He is leaving. I mean he is leaving in such he is transferring/going to another new university in London. He broke the news to me out of sudden that I could not react or think straight at all. He is leaving. He is leaving. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. I kept myself composed and calm. I didn’t say much or ask him a lot of questions because I’m lost of words. I don’t know what to say. He has been unhappy for the past two years in HKU. He wants to go away and explore the world. He wants to be happy. He was so happy when he showed me the website of Brunnel. He was so happy. The look in his face makes me hard to say anything harsh about it but just that I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy. Like he is meant to be a happy boy. I kept myself from asking more because that is too much like an interrogation and it means that I’m doubting his choice so I kept mum. I know that he probably thought this through and I am the third person(two other advisers) other than his family members and he don’t want others to know before he makes his decisions. I know that he trust me that much and I’m slightly touched that he actually let me know about it.
And that leaving me shit. I don’t know how should I feel about this. Should I be feeling happy for him? Although he is not secure secure that he is going to get the place but very likely that he is leaving. I shouldn’t be selfish but the voice in my head screams ‘don’t goDON’T GOOO DONT FUCKING GO D!!!’ I ended up eating half tub of ice-cream at once because I was too upset and confused that time. He ended up praising me for finishing it all. I was just trying to stop myself from crying by binge eating dessert, There is nothing to be proud of. I was too upset. I did cried a little when he went into shower.
I should be proud of him, as he is making a choice. Making a change. Wanting something to change and he is trying it. He wants to be happy and he deserves it. He should go if he got in. He should. And I should to, cherish the little time that is left and say goodbye before he leaves. And I’m crying so badly in the dark I felt pain as my tears touches my cracked lips, as I am typing this using his laptop on my bed with him sleeping by the bed beside mine. I don’t dare to make a sound so I won’t wake him up, He has exam tomorrow and shit I don’t want to screw that. I’ll try to talk to him tomorrow I guess.