This is those times where shit just got real or time just tight or the moment that I don’t want to face is finally here. I’m officially moving out all of my stuffs including my pillows to my new apartment. And YES. The plan is still on. I’m going out with all my beloved friends tomorrow and with D too(according to plan). Well the plan involves me doing the confession or so called re-confession again. It sounds really bad to be honest. And this time, I have no confidence with myself going to gain any from this but the truth. I will gain the truth about us, and maybe put a period on this. Maybe after all, it is my suicide mission. I do not intend to hurt him or anything. I don’t want anything that he don’t want to do. I won’t force him into something that will not work. But yet, I need to know the truth. I need to know where should I stand after one year. After for so long, he keeps telling to find a new beau yet I failed miserably and keeps going back to him. Turning round and round and back to him again. I have no idea what he had done to me, to my heart. He stole my heart so easily and effortlessly and I have no idea how to get it back.
My new roomie and bff, KY decided she will spend her night at our new studio apartment while I decided to stay at my room for the very last night, leaving a bottle of vodka and some titbits in my room. I’m not too sure what is my plan because there is no plan. I’m probably just waiting the time to pass or just to try to find myself some alone time. There is too much for me to take in. Too much. I don’t know how to handle it. On the way back from my new apartment back to dorm, it felt like dejavu. I took a short brisk to the nearest bus station further way down. I need some walk to work out my brain. I need to think. I need to run through what I need to say tomorrow and tonight. I need to cool down myself. I am all dizzy and feeling weak all over my body. I can barely walk. I think I can just pass out anytime or on the spot. I think I’m not breathing properly.
It’s over. It’s the final night that I can spend with D alone. I can’t believe this.
It took me almost a semester to build myself back. And again, I am as weak as ever. I’m so afraid, I’m so fragile, I’m so weak in deep down no matter how much effort I tried to pull myself together, I regress.
I need to pull myself together. But not today. I want to cry a little. Maybe more than a little. I think I’m gonna cry a lot for this few days. And this time, is probably the end. And I shall go to Nepal with new clarity and with a new me.